Like taking cover in the rain, is my saturday at work. This place is bright as hell, quiet and alone. Outside the flags blow in a bad direction, the traffic passes by - everyone with their window up.

In the parking lot sits the bike, my heavy riding gear sitting in the corner. Seemed to take a lot ouf of me to put it on this morning for a 15 minute ride, only to take it off and reveal a second uniform. Funny, how that top uniform represents something so different than the uniform underneath. Funnier still, that I layer them every saturday. A day when normal people have the ability to dress the way they want and do the things they want to do.

My morning routine on saturdays: Get to work, turn on a cup of coffee and power up the Mac to listen to the calming music of Portishead, Collide, Eluvium or Massive Attack. I play it just loud enough to match the drone of traffic outside. I sit down at my desk and stare at the bike again. I do that alot during the day.

Like taking shelter from the rain, the drone of the cars outside on the busy road becomes ambient, and the music plays backup to it. Or it to the music.

Want is something to behold. To want assumes the freedom of "get". If you can't Get then Want seems to be a bit of an intangible thing. Taking on more of a torture than a driving force. Inspiration turns into a heavy rock on my chest. Looking outside at the bike reminds me not of the freedom I have, but the freedom that I lack.

And that carries over to other wants too. The want to be loved and to be respected. Want becomes Longing, and after a time becomes lament. Lament turns to depression and the patterns make themselves clear. Move on to another want, let it die, and then strive to find another.

Tracy Thorn starts moaning to me about how much I don't want her anymore.

I called you from the hotel phone
I haven't dialled this code before
I'm sleeping later and waking later
I'm eating less and thinking more
And how am I without you?
Am I more myself or less myself?
I feel younger, louder
Like I don't always connect
Like I don't ever connect

And do you like being single?
Do you want me back?
Do you want me back?
And do I like being single?
Am I coming back?
Am I coming back?

I'll put my suitcase here for now
I'll turn the TV to the bed
But if no one calls and I don't speak all day
Do I disappear?
And look at me without you
I'm quite proud of myself
I feel reckless, clumsy
Like I'm making a mistake
A really big mistake

And do you like being single?
Do you want me back?
Do you want me back?
And do I like being single?
Am I coming back?
Am I coming back?
Do you want me back? (x6)

And now I know
Each time I go
I don't really know
What I'm thinking
And now I know
Each time I go
I don't really know
What I'm thinking of

That confusion seems to wrap up it up nicely. My mind either misfiring completely, or is it just re-wiring itself for a new lifestyle ?