Will I ever get married?

[FLounder]

Sort of a continuation from a conversation started in the GF pic thread...

My girl and I have been together for 7 years and engaged for most of that time, yet have never set a wedding date. We have talked in detail about wedding ideas and plans but neither of us wants to put the effort in to actually planning it. Maybe the biggest factor is money. We want a big party with all of our friends and family, and open bar is a must. Her parents offer us money any time the word wedding is brought up.

That being said, getting married is certainly not a pressing issue in our relationship. We are happy the way things are, so whats the point? We dont want kids. We are atheist, so could really give a shit about the religious aspects of marriage. Thoughts, suggestions?

 

[phunky.buddha]

Legal aspect... benefits, will/trust.

 

[cheese9988]

If you're not religious, it is just a piece of paper. I waited over five years before I got married. Just take your time.

 

[thsancho86]

My wife and I had the same thoughts as you do on the planning aspect in that neither of us wanted to do it, but we got lucky when my now mother in law was super excited and pretty much did all of it except for the bits my wife was particular about. I'd say don't rush into it, if the both of you are happy as you are don't mess up a good thing.

 

[SlushboxTeggy]

It's just a piece of paper. But it comes with tax benefits and allows you to share other benefits. If that isn't an issue for you guys, then I say fuck it.

 

[BigJ]

The only thing I can think of is its the all in approach and that is a huge gesture/celebration of your joining of families, etc in itself.

 

[SlushboxTeggy]

I knew a couple that had LIVED together for 10 years. Relationship for 13. They finally got married because of the benefit/tax situation. But the upside to that, was that after 13 years they knew that it worked. Had it not worked after year 8, they could have gone their separate ways after splitting up the DVD collection. I have no idea why people are in such a rush to make a life decision.

People who get engaged without living together baffle my mind. I have friends that I love to death, but after 2 months of living together, I wanted to murder.

If you want the tangible benefits of a marriage license, just go to the courthouse. Cheap, and you can always throw a huge party later on.

 

[BigJ]

My dad went 12 years before getting married. Previously divorced after long marriages(16 and 20 years), him and his gf(now wife) didn't see the reason to get married. She collected part of her ex husbands military pension so that benefit alone out weighed the tax implications. They had owned a house together after year 2, and in our state common law was in full effect regardless of marrital status.

Around year 11, He finally prosposed they actually get married. We were really taken back because it had been so long and the idea had seemed to die. It was a pretty fun celebration but expensive. The kicker on why he decided was because we were having some legal troubles with my Brother and when everything was really spiralling out of control, my step mom really stepped up. He for some reason or another decided that it was what they should do.



It all comes down to people's values. Not right or wrong, but what they need with a certificate of paper and a white gown that costs an arm and a leg.

 

[Briansol]

reasons to get married:

tax benefits
visiting rights if seriously sick (immediate family only)
ability to pull the plug
ability to inherit if death
collect insurance if death
spousal privileges, such as membership at a club +1, health ins at work, etc etc
joint accounts/etc

 

[reckedracing]

I've got about 10 years under my belt, been engaged for 3 or 4.
For me the real issue comes down to pre-nup, and i'm a saver and she's a spender.
its a pretty big gamble on my end that shit will work out and we'll love each other forever.
I say fuck that noise.

 

[corvetteguy78]

People often confuse Marriage with Weddings. They are not the same. Marriage is a piece of paper and a promise of commitment and shared responsibility to each other for as long as you both shall live

...weddings, for the most part are wayyyyyyy overpriced parties to celebrate the giant mistake you probably just made.

If my wifes parents didn't pay for the wedding, there would not have been any kind of "Wedding". i would have told her we are going to city hall to get the paperwork and get a JOP and be done. I wasn't forking out any money for a massive party that other people get to enjoy.

My wife and I are not having kids either but we wanted to share our experiences and responsibilites together. You can do that with out Marriage of course but Marriage is that one step further towards commitment.

if you guys are happy, and don't care about weddings and marriage...i would say don't do it. just enjoy each other until you get bored enough of each other. Then you can easily walk away with no legal obligation(check you state and local laws)

 

[SlushboxTeggy]

If you look at a wedding out of the context of "love" it's pretty disturbing. You're telling a woman, "You're going to need a lawyer to get out of this situation".

Then again, I'm the last person that should comment on commitment. I'm generally the guy saying, "Let's just sleep together for a few months and see whats up. Nothing serious". Said in nicer words, but the point is still the same. "No, you cannot change your Facebook status".

 

[FLounder]

I appreciate all the input

I guess the only thing im worried about with actually being married is the sharing of accounts and such. I feel like most married couples argue about money issues more than anything. When two people have different ideas about how use "our" money it can get weird. We have always kept all of our money and bills separate, and it has worked wonderfully. I make almost twice as much as her, and definitely float her along at times (and cover nearly all luxury type expenses like going out to eat, traveling, etc.). But that always been cool with me, we have never bickered about money. I would hate for that to change.

As for the wedding itself, i wish someone would step in and plan it, or at least jump start her into planning it. Im not pushing the issue or anything, i am truly happy with things as they are. But I do think a big ass party in honor of "us" would be fun.

 

[eg6sir]

i'm in the same boat as you man.. been together 11 yrs, engaged for 5.. only reason we haven't is because of money, even though family is likely going to help cover some of the costs. she needs a girlfriend who will give her a little push in planning it

 

[Celerity]

reasons to get married:

tax benefits
visiting rights if seriously sick (immediate family only)
ability to pull the plug
ability to inherit if death
collect insurance if death
spousal privileges, such as membership at a club +1, health ins at work, etc etc
joint accounts/etc

Reasons to get married:

Communion.


I'm not that religious, and I understand that many of you aren't either. But I want you to look up the true definition of Communion.

Communion is why I demand that my wife and I eat together. Because we take Communion in each other - And guests when they are there. On the outside looking in, we just set aside the time to do something, anything, together. On the inside looking out we have a few major things we as humans do to achieve communion.

We sleep together. Talk about doing something stupid. Hell, we both snore so fucking bad that the windows crack. But we do it instead of separate beds because we take communion in each other.

We eat together in Communion as well. When we first got together, she wouldn't eat on my schedule, and I wouldn't eat on hers. We had to come together on this one, and also we had to eat the same thing. I gave up red meat and seafood because she can't handle it (Unless we go out to eat, then I do it up).

Why get married ? Why sleep in the same bed ? Neither "Makes sense" until you step back from the whole situation and have a break from your left brain and get in touch with your right brain.


It defies logic. But that's ok, lots of good things do.

 

[chestercheeto48]

I appreciate all the input

I guess the only thing im worried about with actually being married is the sharing of accounts and such. I feel like most married couples argue about money issues more than anything. When two people have different ideas about how use "our" money it can get weird. We have always kept all of our money and bills separate, and it has worked wonderfully. I make almost twice as much as her, and definitely float her along at times (and cover nearly all luxury type expenses like going out to eat, traveling, etc.). But that always been cool with me, we have never bickered about money. I would hate for that to change.

As for the wedding itself, i wish someone would step in and plan it, or at least jump start her into planning it. Im not pushing the issue or anything, i am truly happy with things as they are. But I do think a big ass party in honor of "us" would be fun.

I've been married 5 years now and the wife and I still have our separate accounts. She has her bills she pays I have mine and I write her a check for my half the mortgage every month since it is through her bank. We never fight about money and we each have our own spending ability without having to ask the other. People give us the crazy look when it comes up but it works for us.

Granted we are both listed on each others account in case something horrible happens to one of us but aside from that they are individual.

 

[eg6sir]

I've been married 5 years now and the wife and I still have our separate accounts. She has her bills she pays I have mine and I write her a check for my half the mortgage every month since it is through her bank. We never fight about money and we each have our own spending ability without having to ask the other. People give us the crazy look when it comes up but it works for us.

Granted we are both listed on each others account in case something horrible happens to one of us but aside from that they are individual.

this is also me, just unmarried.. will stay that way to after we tie the knot, only because it works... her money is her money, and mine is mine..

 

[Celerity]

Yeah, that separation ceased in my marriage. To make our lives a bit better in terms of money, we had to change our opinions of money. Well, to be accurate : I had to change her opinions of money.

Now we measure effort.

 

[invisibledemon]

my wife and i have been together for 8 years (5 just "dating", 2 weeks engaged, and married for 3) we just got a joint account last week. (made my account joint and closed hers)
only reason we did it is bc shes now a stay at home mom and had no reason to keep her account since they started charging monthly fees.
and i got tired of never having my debit card.
we always kept our finances separate. and would still if she still had an income. but, she only really has one bill now (car note) the rest is mine.

 

[whiterabbit06]

Sorry, I had to.

I got married at 21, had two kids and now I'm going through a horrible divorce. I can't even get divorced yet because I have to wait a year before filing because we have kids. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you not to, but if I could do it again I would've waited to get married. I had a lot of things that went on the next few years after we got married and I ended up spending a lot of time away from home and she cheated on me then wanted to leave. I'm better off now anyways. BTW we were together for 7 years before she started to stray away. I'd say stick it out for another year if it's not a pressing issue and just start throwing out ideas for a wedding without a date. Try looking for the little things that you might be able to decide on or get and hold onto until you're ready. Get a notebook or something that you guys can jot down ideas when you see them or think of them. You don't need a date to start looking for ideas. Then when you guys figure out a date you have a whole book of things you like to use as your wedding planner. Good luck.