Why does she have to be this way....

[formby]

I love my wife with all my heart; I respect her and try to do the most for our new family [no kids]. I don’t cheat or even think about doing so, she feels the same way and it’s not an issue here [as far as I know]. Looking at other people around me that have relationships and comparing them to mine, everything looks to be okay. I do know that the only person that knows what’s in the pot is the one stirring it.

However, I have a reoccurring “problemâ€. When my wife asks me to do something [anything], ill either say yes, no or maybe. She on the other hand, she will tell me yes and not do it [no matter what it is]. It’s getting old, so old that I’m starting not to trust her. How am I supposed to trust her when she tells me she is somewhere? Is she actually there? How am I supposed to think that she only lies about some things?

This situation has brought me to a crossroads. I believe that people don’t change the way they are. She’s that way, and will be for the rest of her life. I can’t live with that, I always end up doing everything & I have to remember it all. It sucks; I want a woman in my life that is there for me that talks to me about everyday things. She gets home and really has nothing to say. In the car she has nothing to say. I’ve spent almost 5 years talking to myself. When we have arguments I tell her how I feel and how I think we should do certain things, she never has ANYTHING TO SAY nothing not even her feelings toward the subject.

That’s just disrespect and lack of communications skills. It hurts our relationship so much. Last night was the last straw. I took the ring back, gave her mine and explained that the relationship was in the brink of “POOFâ€. I don’t want to live in a relationship that is on a one way street.

What to do?
What to think?
Am I over reacting?
Should I just give up on us?

 

[eg6sir]

damn.. almost sounds just like me and my girl.

i think your over reacting.. just like i do.. i feel like i cant trust her, but then at the same time i know i can..

 

[reckedracing]

hmmm, sounds kinda like me and the old lady except i'm the one that never has anything to say

perhaps overreacting? but you said 5 years so i could only imagine how much it bothers you after all this time

 

[Celerity]

"This situation has brought me to a crossroads. I believe that people don’t change the way they are. She’s that way, and will be for the rest of her life. I can’t live with that, I always end up doing everything & I have to remember it all. It sucks; I want a woman in my life that is there for me that talks to me about everyday things."

Oh Waa. "I can't live like that, I can't adapt ! " I think the problem here is that you've forgotten what you have.

Your woman doesn't talk to you - that means one of two things. She has no interest in what you have to say, or she has nothing interesting to say. Let us evaluate:
She has no interest in you - She'll leave you. When you have someone that has no interest in you, well.. that's a problem that solves itself.
She has nothing good to say - You're one of few lucky men. She doesn't just babble off your ear about stupid shit all day long.

Our scholars have just completed their evaluation of your complaint:

You are bored, and you want someone new. you're trying to pin it on her so you don't feel so badly about yourself for wanting someone new. It's not her that has lost interest in you - it's you that's lost interest in her. The Celerity Think Tank calls this "The mirror has two faces". When you look out the window onto life, that window is actually a mirror that reflects in.

For instance, when you meet people who do nothing but complainabout people - ever think that maybe the people they are talking about .. aren't... quite the asshole they describe ? That in fact, THEY are the asshole ?

See that ? The mirror has two faces.

 

[Celerity]

I've been working against this floe for 14 years. It's no big deal. My girlfriend won't chat my ear off and ask me "How are you?" and "What's on your mind?" all the time...

And this is revolutionary...


.... Because she doesn't feel she has TO! HAHAH

I've had lots of sad times in my life where I wish that people took more interest. That I had more people acting concerned about me, coddling me. But the honest truth turns out - People don't do that because they don't need to ! I know lots of "men" who require the constant "I love yous" and "tell me how you're feeling" because they thrive on it. For myself, I am pretty damned good off - and it shows. So because of that, no one EVER asks me if I need help, if I'm feeling ok, or if I need a backrub.

I simple don't get that treatment. From anyone. And I used to have a problem with until I realised a few points:
1. I don't NEED that kind of attention
2. I don't Deserve that kind of attention (And that's a good thing)
3. -I- am the provider of this attention. It's my job to help my woman, my family and my friends.

My friends are all one-way about shit, and ultimately - that's my fault. I can't go on being a "pillar of the community" and then get all pissed off because no one asks me if I need help. I mean, I don't slow down - I don't complain about pains and I don't chicken out of shit. It's because of that that people simply don't realise that I need any kind of coddling whatsoever.

Yeah, it's hard to deal with - but it's ok. If it's in your nature to not be "needy" or "co-dependent" then don't expect people to "give" or .. uh.. "give in to the codependence"

Notice how I don't like people talking about me and my deformities / handicaps ? That's because it makes me feel coddled. And I live my life like that - no one even brings up the fact anymore, I'm treated as normal. And I am treated as normal because I don't let myself become co-dependent.

Allow your wife to be who she is, as you wish to be allowed to be who you are. Any variance of this decision tells me "I (JP) don't want to be who I am anymore. Can you please change me?"

This is way more common than you might think.

On the subject of talking to your wife more often - I'm still learning this one. It helps if I take an interest in what she is doing. I know how to Crochet now. Yeah, me. And did I learn to Crochet so I can sit down and make a blanket ? No I did it so I can communicate with her on something.


Also, this "quietness" is indicative of problems in her life too. She has a boring job that gains her nothing in the end but a paycheck. She learns nothing, she does nothing. Dare I say, that you may not either. A rewarding job leads to a rewarding life. notice how people who communicate well, always have something nice to say, also happen to work jobs that are personally rewarding ?

Think about that.

Finally, Put yourself in her shoes. I did this, and it was scary. In my house, you'll find a garage, a shed, a spare room and a driveway all full of my hobby. This is like me walking home day to find a garage, shed, spare room and driveway FULL OF YARN. I mean, in your home, everywhere she looks is your hobby. This is also why women are way happier when your car hobby is kept out of site. Just as you may feel happier if her Hummel collection is out of site.

-> Steve

I'll rant more. (total typing time: 4.5 minutes)

 

[SlushboxTeggy]

All women are nuts, including your mother. Lack of trust is a big problem though. I ussually trust people until they give me a reason not to. I still trust my gf. She doesn't trust me for shit and it will probably end up ending our relationship. She also is an amazing liar. As far as I know, she only does it to fuck with me but I have told her to stop because it bothers me. She's workin on it.

 

[get_nick]

how often do the two of you have sex? i'm not saying this is the culprit, but if you have good sex, it might give her something to look forward to. something to be excited about. i know for a fact, that when relationships start out, there is a lot of phyicaly attraction, and in return, the couple is a lot happier and more outgoing to each other. when there is no physical spark, there may be a lack of emotional spark. after 5 years, maybe the two of you need a little getaway, like a second honeymoon or something.

my second thought is getting bored or not wanting to fight. when i was with my ex, we fought a lot. i got annoyed so i just stopped talking to her. i wouldn't bring things up, talk about work, or even ask her how she was doing. i would just sit there and watch tv or stare out the car window. i was really unhappy. you need to try and get your issues on the table. if you bring it up, she might not feel guilty about opening up about how she feels.

Cel is right though, some people just need constant approval and praise from the significant other. i like hearing "i love you", but i don't need to. i know a girl does or doesn't. there are a lot of issues to worry about. right now you can trust her. there are a lot of other things going on. i don't think she is cheating, she just has something to say and needs to figure out how to talk about it.

 

[chestercheeto48]

However, I have a reoccurring “problem”. When my wife asks me to do something [anything], ill either say yes, no or maybe. She on the other hand, she will tell me yes and not do it [no matter what it is].

There is a huge difference between telling you she will take out the trash and not doing it and your wife lying about where/who she is with. If you don't mind me asking what are you exactly talking about?

 

[Celerity]

that "problem" is no problem at all.

I mean, really.. if you're thinking of leaving someone because they don't do what they say - Then there ain't much there in the first place. That's why I'm a fan of thinking that all these stated problems aren't the real reason he's starting a thread to talk about it.

 

[chestercheeto48]

I agree. I would have had my fiance walk out the door months ago if she got pissed every time I said I would do something and didn't do it/get to is for a couple days. I would agree that there is another reason for the thread.

 

[formby]

how often do the two of you have sex?

we have great sex, and sometimes we just want to cum. but thats never been a problem.

There is a huge difference between telling you she will take out the trash and not doing it and your wife lying about where/who she is with. If you don't mind me asking what are you exactly talking about?

thats the thing, she tells me sheis doing something and when i ask her what she actually did its tottaly different. or "yes jp ill pay the bills" and nothing gets done.

i guess the main issue is this:

If she tells me something and does something else. should i just assume that she does it with everything...

"ill be at my sisters house"
should i believe or assume thats she is going somewhere else?

I mean, really.. if you're thinking of leaving someone because they don't do what they say - Then there ain't much there in the first place. That's why I'm a fan of thinking that all these stated problems aren't the real reason he's starting a thread to talk about it.

i think you might be on to something.. what i dont know.

it just irritates me so much, when she lies about stupid shit..

my second thought is getting bored or not wanting to fight. when i was with my ex, we fought a lot. i got annoyed so i just stopped talking to her. i wouldn't bring things up, talk about work, or even ask her how she was doing. i would just sit there and watch tv or stare out the car window. i was really unhappy.

i think she might feel the same way...but she cant complain about me if she doesnt tell me what is bothering her. i'm no mind reader

Cel is right though, some people just need constant approval and praise from the significant other.

i dont need her to tell me she loves me, i want her to show me. her communicating and listening tells me she cares. when she doesnt, i feel like she doesnt.

 

[Celerity]

... then you're Co-Dependent.

 

[chestercheeto48]

Have you asked her why she tells you one thing and then does another. It could be that she is hiding something or it could me that she is just flakey when it comes to plans.

 

[E_SolSi]

kick her in the box?

 

[posol]

TAPROOT LYRICS

"She"

She gets everything she wants, but nothing that she needs
No respect for what things cost, or who she wants to be
Just neglect for what's been lost, 'cause nothing is for free
How can we let her get away with being this way
We've been shattered by her can't you see she has to pay

In her shadow I reside
I scream but no one's listening
Would anyone know if I died
I'm sick of no one seeing I'm alive
(In her shadow I decide I won't stay longer
In a place with silent hate inside the choice is violence towards her in disguise)

She has everything I want, but nothing that I need
Nothing earned like what I've got, gets anything she sees
Lives the life that I cannot, 'cause nothing is for free
How can we let her get away she has to pay

 

[TurboMirage]

ive been here formby.

basically, i may not be married, but i was co-dependent on someone for 4 years. fuck that shit. its nice to be told you are loved, and someone talking up to you to make you feel better, but in the end you're the only person that needs to know that you are doing well at the things you are doing.

maybe she is afraid of something? my ex lies and lies because she doesnt know any better. it was the situation she lived in. her mother got beat up by an ex boyfriend, and she used to lie often to get away from teh house. while i DO NOT abuse my ex, i did get angry often (due to lies and not being where she said she would, messing around with some of my friends because she thought i was fucking hers) etc etc. since i have learned to get over it and just let it be. its just the way she will always be.

yes i may love her more than anyone else, but im not dependent on her. if she doesnt want to hang out? i find someone else to hang out with. if she breaks plans, i say well whatever and do my own thing. no worries.

eventually karma will catch up to her and she will probably be raped like her sister and then have that mans child. mean thing to say, but she hangs out with the wrong crowds. its bound to happen - and i wont be there to pick up the pieces.


someone very wise said this to me:

Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we care about leaves, but the truth is it's not our loss... it's theirs because they left the only person in the world who would never give up on them.


maybe im overstressing the situation.

 

[TommyTheCat]

MISFITS LYRICS

"She"

She walked out with empty arms
Machine gun in her hand
She is good and she is bad
No one understands

She walked in in silence
Never spoke a word
She's got a rich daddy
She's her daddy's girl

She loves naked sin
He loves evil sex
She has lost control
They are growing old

She will hide in silence
Then her day will come
She was virgin vixen
She is on the run

 

[Celerity]

This is turning into grouphug.us

These posts are so full of issues, we should call a crisis management team into Hondaswap

 

[totalburnout]

... then you're Co-Dependent.

Then he's a normal person who is driven by social relationships.

Communication skills are the most important fundamental skills in relationships.

Look at the number one thing that the employers hire employees for - its their communication skills when you view the statistical information and research regarding business relationships.

Personal relationships are no different.

He's not just saying she doesn't say, "I love you" and kiss him all day. He's saying that he can't communicate on her at the level which he desires. You should be able to communicate with the person you love or you have nothing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I personally don't want to make this a thread about myself, but when explaining concepts its always easiest for myself to describe analogies to my own life. So here goes;

I'll let you in on a little secret about my life. I had a girlfriend for quite awhile - 3 1/2 years - I'm a young buck who still wants to have his fun. I basically ended the relationship because I wanted to go out there and be single when I could. I want no regrets, hence my roomate putting the signature that will appear below my posts, and I want to enjoy what I can, when I can.

I'm single and have been since Father's Day. It took other girls and other relationships to exemplify the need for good communication skills in a relationship. I've currently been "seeing" a girl that I cannot communicate with - there's a story in one thread about me being an idiot and punching a staircase almost breaking my hand because the girl would not listen or let up ground when she was drunk and fighting with me, and she's shown me all that I've need to see in the world.

How? You ask. She's shown me that I truly love my ex-girlfriend. She drove me back into the arms of my ex, because she was the only person I could turn to and communicate with on a deep level. She understands me and I understand her. We can have emotionally fulfilling conversations that are satisfying.

Months ago, events like the ones you speak of would seemed to have no bearing on my life. In lieu of recent events, I now understand what it is to have both sorts of relationships. School and work are also driving home the importance of these communication skills and I try to "seek first to understand and then be understood".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Formby,

You're a good guy and have always been kind and helpful to all members on these boards. You'll figure things out and will determine whats best for YOU.

People CAN change, they just have to WANT to change. There is hope for your girl to change, but it will be a long difficult road. If she's worth those difficulties and complications, then by all means, do all that you can to change her. As it stands, from the short little blurb you described, she doesn't seem to want to change or even view the situation as a problem. (I'm not sure if thats the proper evaluation of the situation, you obviously know better about exactly whats going on and probably would have an extremely difficult time explaining it all in words and text.)

If this is the case, however, change will be extremely difficult. Its a meeting of the heads and a collision. You perceive a problem and she does not. Until she perceives a problem she will not change. Obviously, you can help show her this problem if you can communicate with her on a level that is quantifiable to HER and that SHE understands and responds to.

Now just ask yourself, is she worth this, to YOU?

"Is the just worth the squeeze?" No regrets my friend. There's nothing wrong with abandoning what you have, if you're unhappy, in the search of happiness. In my opinion thats what life is all about - searching for and capturing happiness. We're all so young (even you "older" guys out there) that I couldn't possibly fathom a life on unhappiness.

 

[Celerity]

Man, I just checked out grouphug - that place is a cesspool of lies. It's like watching ABC News.