Todays Lame Joke

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reckedracing

TTIWWOP
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This got a laugh out of me.




DOG DIARY :

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on t he bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nu ggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could
hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was
due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to
use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe..... for now.
 
Man Diary:

5:45 am-alarm goes off. i contemplate suicide. unfortunately there is nothing sharp within arms reach.

6:00 am-shower and masturbate. sadly, the highlight of my day.

6:30 am-eat a bowl of froot loops. yes, kid cereal. reminds me that there is someone eating the same thing that could be happy.

7:00 am- off to work. i sit and pretend to enjoy my job. daydreaming of a life that doesn't closely resemble my own.

12:00 pm-choke down dry ham sandwich and banana. yay for sack lunches.

5:00 pm- sit in traffic for 90 minutes. this would be fun if i had a 50mm gun bolted to the roof of my camry.

7:00 pm- watch laguna beach wishing i could anger bang one of the snotty little sluts.

9:00 pm- shit, drink a beer, take 4 tylenol pm.

9:10 pm- pass out.

repeat 9 hours later.
 
bwahaha those were both awesome..but the anger banging of a laguna beach snot..is the greatest,,they deserve a good banging
 
bwahaha those were both awesome..but the anger banging of a laguna beach snot..is the greatest,,they deserve a good banging
This happened my freshman year.

Crystal-(banging on the wall from the room next door) It's 4 in the morning!!! SHUT UP!!!
Pat- Is she serious? It's Friday. (returns to loud behavior).

Crystal-(Now knocking on the door which is opened) Are you guys serious? I'm trying to sleep. Can you please be quiet?
Pat- Look, how about this, I'll bang the shit out of you and you lighten the fuck up. What do you think of that?
Crystal-(astonished look).
Pat-Guess not (Slams door in her face).
 
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