Prowler

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is @#%$ proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees


OMG, that was so lame but I couldn't stop laughing, so I had to share.

__________________
2002 Audi A4 1.8T quatto
1995 Acura Integra GSR - H23A1

Slammed90Lude

to me, but still funny as hell

Loco Honkey

This reminds me of a time in an airport bathroom...

I had come home to VT from OR for Christmas and was flying back. The night before I left, my mom made me a big ass salmon dinner. Well, wouldn't you know it, the salmon gave me the winds somethin' fierce. My flight plan was from Burlington VT to O'Hare, to Seattle, to Portland, OR, to Redmond, OR. I held the gas in all the way from VT to O'Hare, which was about an hour, but once I got there, I had to run to get the flight to Seattle, so I didn't have time to fart. Now, let me tell you about the type of gas I had... it was that nasty, hardcore, LOUD, pressurized, rumble- in- your- guts, make- your- ass- sting kinda gas. It wasn't something you could just let go SBD as you walked...

So I get on the plane from O'Hare to Seattle. I'm thinking that it'd be best to just hold it in and not fart in the bathroom in the plane because of the noise and smell involved. So I hold it. For three more hours. All the while, trying to descreetly shift in my seat to make the rumbling in my gut more comfortable. We land and I'm off the plane before it's stopped. I find a bathroom... but it's full. Fuck it. Little did these guys in the bathroom know it, but they were about to become collateral damage.

I find a stall, wipe the seat, drop drou (incase something did come out), and fart. And fart I did. I've never farted before or since like that. Perhaps the bowl had an amplifying effect, but lord have mercy, it was what I call a power fart. Loud, hard, forceful, powerful. The kinda farts that you WISH you could do when you were a kid. And it kept coming. It went on for a good 30 seconds. I didn't hold back. I pushed. I grinned from ear to ear because I knew every motherfucker in that room was going "oh fuck, I gotta get outta here NOW!" When I was done, I groaned and said, "Praise the LORD!"

I heard several "you gotta be fuckin' kidding me" and "holy shit" and "OMGWTFLOL!" I was the king of the bathroom. My domain had been claimed. The invasion was a success and I had planted the flag.

I waited a few minutes for everyone to clear out before I left. I walked around for a few minutes and found my gate and sat down across from a woman and began to read. A few minutes later, her husband comes over with a bag of Burger King and says to her, "Honey, you wouldn't believe this guy in the bathroom... holy shit, he farted like I've never heard before."

I looked at them and said, "you think that's bad, wait 'till we get on the plane." I noted his brief look that was a mix of terror, awe, and jealousy, winked at them, and resumed reading.

BlackFrog

LOL LOCO! thats fucked up my girlfriend is in london right now, and your the person she fears the most having to sit next to!


2 funny stories fellas!

BodyDroppedNikes

LMMFAO Loco. that was the funniest thing ive read in awhile..LOL

i hate taking a dump in public places because you never whos ass has been where. i wont take a shit somewhere unless they have ass gaskets. i'll hold that mopther fuckin till i get home if i got to.

reckedracing

alright, a little off topic, but still a funny story...
well, first a comment then a funny story..
comment = there is NOTHING like getting paid to take a dump, priceless

now the story...
so i was at the local shit hole mall lastnight with my brother
we were outside filene's and he had to stop to tie his shoe, so i went over to the edge of the sidewalk and was pretending to take a piss in the bushes...

so some guy walks out of filene's and is looking for his car and it was a complete double take, just like trying to figure out why the hell i was pissing in the bushes... the look on his face was just priceless... funniest shit ever, and then it turns out he went out the wrong entrance and his car was on the other side of the store...

but he told me somehting to the effect of it looked like i was pissing in the bushes, he thought it was a funny joke, but if it wasn't a joke he didn;t give a shit or something... just thought i'd share...

EDIT: and if you wanna avoid the ass splash, refered to as a WATERMELON, just throw a thin layer of TP down on the water and you're set...

Iron 1

by loco!! hahahha

JDMilan

hahahah


I love taking shits........

Jeef

Atleast at my work we are all cool enough with each other to go hey cover the front so I can take a shit, and we give a time warning for how bad it stinks. The work dump is great. The only thing I like about my job is I get paid to take shits, atleast one smoke break an hour, and I don't have to punch out for lunch or if I need to run out for a few min.

tab

A couple of years back my older brother and I entered the bathroom at our mall. We both pulled up to the urinals to piss. Someone was straining pretty hard, as we could tell from the whimpers and painful underbreath moaning. Then we heard an "UUUUURRRRGHGHGHHHH", PLUNK! SPLASH!

"OH GOOD GOD YES!!!!!!"

This guy let it out LOCO style. I'm not very PC, nor is my brother. We both looked at eachother and immediately started belting out huge roaring laughs. That poor fucking guy.......

jeffie7

loco that was a very nice write up thanks for sharing =)

E_SolSi

loco that was fuckin great

Prowler

yep, it was in the story telling. if loco said 'i had a big fart and people looked at me' it wouldnt' have been the same.

zaneithan

lol hahahah pure brilliance!! i bet those flights holding it in lasted forever though

DA69

holy shit loco......im wiping the tears right now.....LOL that was some funny shit. (no pun intended)

MugenCRX

Words cannot express what I'm feeling after Loco's story...

As for the poop article, that was new to me, and pretty funny, but Loco's story the article.

Tonyd0821

now the REAL question.....

Fold your toilet paper in a neat fold to wipe? or bundle it up to wipe?

bundle, but fold supposedly works better

MugenCRX

Fold...

TurboMirage

fold definately works better.

Tonyd0821

howard stern tells that folding works better....

but I for one, am a crumpler....

Hatchbacks Anonymous

Best thread ever!! I have never laughed so hard at something that I read.

I had to stop reading so that I could catch my breath.

Tears came down my face, because we have all been there.

I'm going to save this!

complicity

DarkHand

My theory is that toilet bowls are specifically engineered to amplify farts and broadcast them to everyone in the building.

rushcrx

Loco Honkey

My theory is that toilet bowls are specifically engineered to amplify farts and broadcast them to everyone in the building. [/b][/quote]
I believe you are correct... Upon great thought, I've deduced that they act like a band pass speaker enclosure.

Your anal orifice is the speaker, which produces sound and pressure waves. The sound and pressure waves radiate away from your anal orifice in a linear fashion and reflect off the water surface. This is the key. The water surface is fluid, meaning it will bend and vibrate as the sound and pressure waves collide with it. This in turn produces equal sound and pressure waves, adding to the waves produced by your anal orifice. These waves reflect back against your ass cheeks and toilet bowl walls. Since your ass cheeks are soft and porous, they act like acoustic sound deadening; this is why farts never echo. The walls of the bowl are either ceramic or porclin, but either way, they reflect the sound waves back against the water, further enhancing the sound propagation. The waves eventually find their way out through the port, which is the space between your thighs as you sit.

The pressure build up in a toilet bowl during a fart is quite dramatic. Next time you're on the bowl and feel one brewing, place a single sheet of toilet paper over the port and watch what happens when you fart. It might surprise you.

BTW- this write up is my Forced Induction Article Of The Month for April.