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Doc_G · 06-07-2007, 12:03 PM

Some of you may have heard these.. some of you may not. Either way here ya go:

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Enjoy

phyregod · 06-07-2007, 12:08 PM

dveit · 06-08-2007, 08:25 AM

TurboMirage · 06-08-2007, 08:30 AM

nice

Turbo&Auto · 06-08-2007, 09:26 AM

Very nice!!

Doc_G · 06-14-2007, 05:17 PM

A couple more:

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''
The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

enjoy

eg6sir · 06-14-2007, 05:24 PM

haha.. nice..

.. those are getting emailed to some friends..

Black Widow g2 · 06-14-2007, 05:50 PM

and he's the one with the blade. ouch.

Calesta · 06-15-2007, 12:44 AM

pissedoffsol · 06-15-2007, 01:27 AM

good stuff :S

SHOGUNOVDDRK · 06-15-2007, 07:59 AM

Doc_G · 06-18-2007, 11:27 AM

Yet more for your amusement:

The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of
attention as he checked into the resort hotel.

The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining
room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to
order an enormous breakfast.

He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his
young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn
out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask
her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for
their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride,
"Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks
like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"

"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd
saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was
talking about money!"

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it
will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Four hundred Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper
way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can
knock the price down by $160."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip
the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down by
$120."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my
students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $150."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

Prices adjusted to reflect CURRENT pricing.

btw dveit your ins is horrible... 500.00 for wisdom tooth removal?

dveit · 06-18-2007, 11:42 AM

You can tell that joke is old as hell because it cost me like $500 to get my wisdom teeth removed.

phyregod · 06-18-2007, 11:51 AM

Hrmm, is it required that jokes are adjusted for inflation?

dveit · 06-18-2007, 11:52 AM

Yes, it is an essential.

SHOGUNOVDDRK · 06-18-2007, 01:33 PM

Doc_G · 06-18-2007, 06:52 PM

Celerity · 06-19-2007, 11:44 AM

"$120" knock the price down to "$150". The joke also took about 8 years to tell.

dveit · 06-19-2007, 12:24 PM

I was just kidding about the inflation, I could care less, it just illustrated how old the joke was.

As far as my wisdom teeth, I had to have all four of them surgically cut out.

Nonetheless, the joke was funny.

Silverchild79 · 06-19-2007, 03:32 PM

word, my surgeon put me out with an IV before the procedure. Never felt so fucked up in my life when I came too, I was ready to party

Doc_G · 06-21-2007, 12:38 PM

enjoy

A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked "Do I know you?"

The woman answers "I think your the father of one of my kids".

The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman "are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?" "You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend spanked my bare ass with a whip?"

The woman looks at him horrified and says "No, I'm your son's teacher".

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

phyregod · 06-21-2007, 12:57 PM

I like the age one.. funny..

E_SolSi · 06-21-2007, 02:03 PM

another quality batch of funny

rep for you

dveit · 06-21-2007, 03:19 PM

Rep for you, good shit

Doc_G · 06-22-2007, 01:33 PM

Kinda bottom of the barrel, eh blonde jokes... how low have I sunk:

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:

I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.

She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:

Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped in a forest. One day the brunette goes out hunting. She comes back and has a big dead deer. The blonde and the redhead are impressed. They ask her how she did it and she says "I found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The next day the redhead goes out hunting and comes back with a big dead deer. The blonde and brunette ask her how she did it and she says "I found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The next day the blonde goes out and comes back and is all mangled. The brunette and the redhead ask her what happened and the blonde says "I found the tracks, followed them and got hit by a train."

06-07-2007, 12:03 PM	#1
Doc_G Rude, Lewd, usually Nude Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Birmingham AL Age: 35 Posts: 85 iTrader: 0 / 0% Ride: 1988 Mustang GT, 2003 Dodge Durango Rep Power: 11	A few funnies. Some of you may have heard these.. some of you may not. Either way here ya go: A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!" The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?" Enjoy __________________ *Sex is evil, Evil is sin, Sins are forgiven, SO STICK IT BACK IN*

06-08-2007, 08:30 AM	#4
TurboMirage Running on two cylinders Join Date: May 2003 Location: Southbridge, MA Age: 25 Posts: 18,155 iTrader: 1 / 100% Ride: 2000 Mitsubishi Lancer RPW E5 Coupe Rep Power: 338	nice __________________ Home of the RPW built 2000 Lancer CC Coupe. See what is done to the little Evo5. "If you don't like what I've done with my car, I will gladly refund all the money you put into it."

06-08-2007, 09:26 AM	#5
Turbo&Auto Nick Go FAST!! Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: East Burg, PA! Age: 28 Posts: 3,271 iTrader: 3 / 100% Ride: 09 Cobalt SS/TC Rep Power: 87	Very nice!! __________________ www.BackyardTurbo.com

06-14-2007, 05:17 PM	#6
Doc_G Rude, Lewd, usually Nude Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Birmingham AL Age: 35 Posts: 85 iTrader: 0 / 0% Ride: 1988 Mustang GT, 2003 Dodge Durango Rep Power: 11	A couple more: A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat. ''NO!'' yelled the blonde. The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again. ''NO!'' the blonde yelled again. Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped. ''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy. ''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?'' The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.'' A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you." enjoy __________________ *Sex is evil, Evil is sin, Sins are forgiven, SO STICK IT BACK IN*

06-14-2007, 05:50 PM	#8
Black Widow g2 princess Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Stockton, CA Age: 28 Posts: 3,582 iTrader: 0 / 0% Ride: 90 Integra B16 turbo, 00 Civic Si B18C n/a, 07 Fit Sport Rep Power: 71	and he's the one with the blade. ouch. __________________ ~ArtieTuned - EFI University Certified Tuner~ ECU ChippingCustom ProgramsStreet/Dyno Tuning Crome ProMotecHaltechAutronicHondata* UberdataNeptuneFastAEM MegaSquirt*and more In the NorCal area http://www.artietuned.com e-mail: tuner@sonic.net or PM me Black Widow's Baby Pool


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06-15-2007, 12:44 AM	#9
Calesta Admin with a big stick Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Dallas / Fort Worth, TX Age: 32 Posts: 24,525 iTrader: 0 / 0% Ride: 2003 S2000 Rep Power: 291	__________________ DO NOT PM me with tech questions! Use the forums! Intercrew Auto Salon - (972) 485-8688

06-15-2007, 01:27 AM	#10
pissedoffsol RETIRED Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Retirement Home Age: 29 Posts: 49,951 iTrader: 2 / 100% Ride: Electric Scooter Blog Entries: 1 Rep Power: 531	good stuff :S

06-18-2007, 11:27 AM	#12
Doc_G Rude, Lewd, usually Nude Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Birmingham AL Age: 35 Posts: 85 iTrader: 0 / 0% Ride: 1988 Mustang GT, 2003 Dodge Durango Rep Power: 11	Yet more for your amusement: The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order. The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?" "That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!" *One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it* will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Four hundred Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down by $160." "That's still too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down by $120." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $150." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!" Prices adjusted to reflect CURRENT pricing. btw dveit your ins is horrible... 500.00 for wisdom tooth removal? __________________ *Sex is evil, Evil is sin, Sins are forgiven, SO STICK IT BACK IN* Last edited by Doc_G; 06-19-2007 at 02:45 PM.

06-18-2007, 06:52 PM	#17
Doc_G Rude, Lewd, usually Nude Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Birmingham AL Age: 35 Posts: 85 iTrader: 0 / 0% Ride: 1988 Mustang GT, 2003 Dodge Durango Rep Power: 11	fixt __________________ *Sex is evil, Evil is sin, Sins are forgiven, SO STICK IT BACK IN*

06-19-2007, 03:32 PM	#20
Silverchild79 Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Albany, Oregon Age: 30 Posts: 6,763 iTrader: 0 / 0% Rep Power: 192	word, my surgeon put me out with an IV before the procedure. Never felt so fucked up in my life when I came too, I was ready to party __________________ Did I just say something interesting or funny? Check out my blog for more... http://campassmore.wordpress.com/

06-21-2007, 12:38 PM	#21
Doc_G Rude, Lewd, usually Nude Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Birmingham AL Age: 35 Posts: 85 iTrader: 0 / 0% Ride: 1988 Mustang GT, 2003 Dodge Durango Rep Power: 11	enjoy A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him. She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked "Do I know you?" The woman answers "I think your the father of one of my kids". The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife. So he says to the woman "are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?" "You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend spanked my bare ass with a whip?" The woman looks at him horrified and says "No, I'm your son's teacher". At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants. At age 10...success is...making your own meals. At age 12...success is...having friends. At age 16...success is...having a drivers license. At age 20...success is...having sex. At age 35...success is...having money. At age 50...success is...having money. At age 60...success is...having sex. At age 70...success is...having a drivers license. At age 75...success is...having friends. At age 80...success is...making your own meals. At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants. __________________ *Sex is evil, Evil is sin, Sins are forgiven, SO STICK IT BACK IN*

06-22-2007, 01:33 PM	#25
Doc_G Rude, Lewd, usually Nude Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Birmingham AL Age: 35 Posts: 85 iTrader: 0 / 0% Ride: 1988 Mustang GT, 2003 Dodge Durango Rep Power: 11	Kinda bottom of the barrel, eh blonde jokes... how low have I sunk: *A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.* The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way." Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads: I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else. She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads: Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped in a forest. One day the brunette goes out hunting. She comes back and has a big dead deer. The blonde and the redhead are impressed. They ask her how she did it and she says "I found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The next day the redhead goes out hunting and comes back with a big dead deer. The blonde and brunette ask her how she did it and she says "I found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The next day the blonde goes out and comes back and is all mangled. The brunette and the redhead ask her what happened and the blonde says "I found the tracks, followed them and got hit by a train." __________________ *Sex is evil, Evil is sin, Sins are forgiven, SO STICK IT BACK IN*

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Hondaswap.com | Honda Technical & JDM styling Forums

A few funnies.