Darwin Awards 2003
As you probably already know, the Darwin awards are awarded annually for
the most extreme act of (occasionally terminal) stupidity -- they are now
in for 2003.
And now, the runner-ups:
RUNNER-UP The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to
his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.
RUNNER-UP A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
RUNNER-UP After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a
free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling
the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
RUNNER-UP An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering
from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see
how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
RUNNER-UP A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which he clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a
crime committed?)
RUNNER-UP A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
Mother-Stickers--This is a F***-up! For a moment, everyone was silent. Then
the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over
laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his
gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief
ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later
put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers,
this is a ****-up!"
RUNNER-UP Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window
was made of Plexiglas The whole event was caught on videotape.
RUNNER-UP As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and
drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told
to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer,
that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
RUNNER-UP The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
away.
RUNNER-UP Kentucky Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With
the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached
to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the
bumper. They were quickly arrested.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon gasoline
from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he
bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled
up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that
the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose
into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER. When his 38-caliber Revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber
James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
