a big sh!t sammich

[Celerity]

I see all points here, and what you all say makes sense.

But what I feel is still there. Can't shake it. I'm being honest about it, I'm really messed up over this. Will I get over it ? You bet. But for today, I'm feeling like chewed gum.

That's it. i'm not saying that this is always me. I'm taking a break and letting my brain go in directions that it needs to go. I'll snap out of it. Prolly in about 30 minutes when I go have lunch with the security chick downstairs.

As far as lightening the situation with the 19 year old, I again, understand. I don't miss her, because she was nasty. And if she was nasty that time, then she'll be nasty again. Cel has come too far, too quick to be treated like shit by anyone ever again. It's not gonna happen. I understand there are women out there that will do anything for their man, and I want one of those.


On a slightly off topic, but still on topic, this really cute girl on the other side of my cubicle has been talking with her boyfriend for over an hour on the phone. She's got one of those scratchy sultry voices that I hate, but she laughs at everything he says. And then every intelligent joke she makes (Oh yeah.. He was all over the road. Like he hired Michael J Fox to be his driver) she had to follow up with a complete explanation (Michael J Fox has Parkinson's Disease. No, Parkinsons. Parkinsons is when you can't stop shaking. Yeah. Yeah. And if your driver has parkinsons, he'll be all over the road. Yeah, like Michael J Fox was driving. You're so cute, I can't wait to get out of here)

and I want to tape her mouth shut and take over the conversation. "You know, michael, I want to come over and rip your stupid little brain off the top of your wasted spinal column and feed it to my dog. Can I do that ?"

 

[Celerity]

He has enough of a point to continue to defend and follow what he believes, it's not like he's got nothing and completely wrong.

If you honestly never want anything more than friends, there is nothing wrong with defending a great friendship. The fact that you two dated doesn't bother you, but it does bother him. If you're not going to give up, it's just a battle to see who will have the biggest effect on her. I'm sorry to say, but if she doesn't pull through it means she did to you what Nick is telling you to do to her.

Yes, Kanned gets it. And I am struggling to have the bigger effect on her. And I was winning. But then I backed off, and gave him time to rebut with whatever horseshit he shovels, and now she won't talk to me. So while I was focusing on building something with the Goth girl, he was free to implant all of his ideas and demands in her brain.

And that really pisses me off. I'll be honest, I'm really pissed.

 

[get_nick]

steve, you have some attachment issues. you broke up with your ex. you need to stop having feelings for her. friends don't get involved. friends voice and opinion and let it go. you are trying to play more of a "guy friend who is lurking for an opportunity to be more than friends". you know those guys who always prey on girls who have a bf then wait for the rebound chance.

let it go man, she moved on. you aren't part of her life anymore. if she doesn't want to be friends, you can't force it. she is choosing the other guy. what do you expect a girl who gets dumped to do. she is going to be with someone else and be happy. she wanted to be in a relationship and you kicked her to the curb. she wants a man, probably wanted you, can't have you, so you got replaced. sounds like you have more of an issue with it than she does.

sorry to be the reaper, but as your "internet friend", it's my duty to be straight up with you.

 

[Sabz5150]

I talk to her because I don't hate her. I wished her a happy birthday, invited her out on a few rides with me (She rides the Vespa). Had good conversations on the phone. I don't want to date her again, she was poison. But she is still a good girl, and I can't turn my back on 14 years of memories.

But then she told me a few weeks ago "Thank you for wishing me a happy birthday but please don't come around my work or house anymore"

I forced her to be truthful with me: Her new boyfriend (Who she was starting to see when I dumped her) told her he doesn't want me around, and he hates me.

So I cracked my knuckles. If it's a war he want, it's war he has. I have nothing better to do than ruin this kid.

And when a man tells another that she isn't "allowed" to see the guy she was practically married to, this is an act of war. I'm Celerity, dammit, not some guinea douchebag wife beater. Just because he had to hear about how everything he does isn't as good as what I do, that's not my fault.

That really pissed me off. You will not convince me to see another side to this. I have no plans on ever dating or being with my ex ever again (Oh hell no) but I can still be friendly and cordial to her. She didn't betray me, I caught everything when it began to happen.

Time to let it go. Fourteen years it may be, but it's gone now and it needs to be buried. She's moved on. Sorry to say, but you are no longer a major influence in her life... new guy is. The only thing "going to war" will do is piss her off and make your life all around hell. It will come off as controlling to her... an ex trying to make an influence higher than the current significant other. He's in the captain's chair, so to speak, so his words carry more weight than Cel's. She's working to make him happy, not you.

Buy a bottle of bourbon, drink half of it, throw the bottle against the wall. Guaranteed you'll feel better.

 

[Celerity]

Good advice on both parts. I still won't change my mind.

I do have attachment issues. I also have a thing where my mind can't let go of a mystery until it's solved. I'm still considering things that happened to me 20 years ago. I need to solve certain mysteries.

And my ex's new life choice pisses me off, because it's obviously not her choice - its his. And when people take a controlling interest in another person life, I consider that abusive. It ranks on me. It consumes and keeps me up at night, until I can either completely figure it out, or I can challenge it and win. It MUST reach conclusion. Either "She's so fuckin stupid that this kid can do anything, and I want to never speak to her again" or "He needs to be held under the water until the bubbles stop". Either way, I'm the kinda guy that needs full closure before things can move on.

Or it just sits there, running as a permanent subroutine.

 

[reckedracing]

make sure you didn't get bad gas
i'd try and drain it and get some 93 from a different station

i've heard of some stations having as much as 35% ethanol in the gas around my area (mistake?), could be fucking with your bike

 

[Sabz5150]

Of course not... human emotion defies all logic and reason. It's why it's so good at getting us into trouble.

 

[Celerity]

The first tank it happened on was routine Stop and Shop gas. That's the market truck that makes it's rounds in the area. I use it all the time. When the problem hit, I immediately thought of bad gas.

So then I took to Mobil and got their high octane. Same issue. Second tank, Mobil. Still the same issue. Lastly I spoke to the owner of the Sunoco near me, about any new regulations or formulas. He said that he was running 3% ethanol, and would help me find some MTBE if it didn't work. Well, his gas was a bit better, but still no dice. And then after the rains, it's been getting worse. The electrical is also have a hard time keeping up with demand.

Now with my new job, I sit in traffic after work. I run it hot at several points on my trip home. I'm still finding a cooler way to go home (The last one took me 14 miles out of the way of my 6 mile ride) I'm even startign to split traffic, not only to keep a little cooler, but to get away from those 4 wheel assholes.

 

[E_SolSi]

time for tune up?
injectors clogged?


how many miles?

 

[get_nick]

I do have attachment issues. I also have a thing where my mind can't let go of a mystery until it's solved. I'm still considering things that happened to me 20 years ago. I need to solve certain mysteries.

And my ex's new life choice pisses me off, because it's obviously not her choice - its his. And when people take a controlling interest in another person life, I consider that abusive. It ranks on me. It consumes and keeps me up at night, until I can either completely figure it out, or I can challenge it and win. It MUST reach conclusion. Either "She's so fuckin stupid that this kid can do anything, and I want to never speak to her again" or "He needs to be held under the water until the bubbles stop". Either way, I'm the kinda guy that needs full closure before things can move on.

Or it just sits there, running as a permanent subroutine.

you're not scooby fucking doo. get the fuck over it. i have this same problem. someone finally slapped me in the head and helped me deal with it.

it is HER choice. she's 30 years old. if she's not mature enough to see that he is a controlling douche bag then she deserves it. come on now. watch some dr. phil and learn a little.what is her other option? you? not fucking likely.

you dont' need full closure. you need to win. it's an ego trip. plain and simple. you kicked her to the curb expecting her to be single, lonely and miserable. just like you. but she's not. she bounced back, even if he is a douche, and is happy. if you had someone else, you wouldn't think twice about it and would have deleted her from your phone also.

 

[Celerity]

time for tune up?
injectors clogged?


how many miles?

6500. 8000 is valve time. Injectors are making noises.

 

[Celerity]

you're not scooby fucking doo. get the fuck over it. i have this same problem. someone finally slapped me in the head and helped me deal with it.

it is HER choice. she's 30 years old. if she's not mature enough to see that he is a controlling douche bag then she deserves it. come on now. watch some dr. phil and learn a little.what is her other option? you? not fucking likely.

you dont' need full closure. you need to win. it's an ego trip. plain and simple. you kicked her to the curb expecting her to be single, lonely and miserable. just like you. but she's not. she bounced back, even if he is a douche, and is happy. if you had someone else, you wouldn't think twice about it and would have deleted her from your phone also.

Incorrect.

Scooby doo ain't got shit on me. Second paragraph, closer to reality. Third paragraph, way off. She was preparing the bed for him for months, I caught on very early, but kept feeling it out. I dumped her because I knew that the first day she came home late (I was out sharing some music with a co-worker) it was coming up. She did, basically, cheat on me. She wanted to make sure "he was the right one" (Translated: She wanted to fuck him first) before ultimately leaving me. I beat her to the punch. Didnt change a damned thing, because that night she was over his house gobbling his knob, behind his girlfriend's back. I know this, and I'm really pissed off that things went down that way. But I know why, and knowing why isn't enough to forgive, but it is enough to curb the anger. She deserves no less than to be fuckin strapped down in the situation she's in.

Idiocy should be painful.

The only thing I'm pissed off here is that, like the Republican Fisherman joke, I caught on early that I was being screwed over, I handled it like a rational human being, I didn't fly off the hook - but STILL this is somehow all my fault. And that is NOT how I deserve to be treated. By someone of 14 years or by a stranger. I've been getting the fucking shaft relentlessly, and I don't deserve it.

And once again, as your advice indicates and the advice I recieve from my friends in front of my face winds up attacking me. As if I'm not doing enough to be ultra-human and saintly. Fuck that. I want someone's tears or blood dried to my hands.

I WILL be understood. Clearly. That's my modus operandi.

 

[Sabz5150]

Incorrect.

Scooby doo ain't got shit on me. Second paragraph, closer to reality. Third paragraph, way off. She was preparing the bed for him for months, I caught on very early, but kept feeling it out. I dumped her because I knew that the first day she came home late (I was out sharing some music with a co-worker) it was coming up. She did, basically, cheat on me. She wanted to make sure "he was the right one" (Translated: She wanted to fuck him first) before ultimately leaving me. I beat her to the punch. Didnt change a damned thing, because that night she was over his house gobbling his knob, behind his girlfriend's back. I know this, and I'm really pissed off that things went down that way. But I know why, and knowing why isn't enough to forgive, but it is enough to curb the anger. She deserves no less than to be fuckin strapped down in the situation she's in.

Idiocy should be painful.

The only thing I'm pissed off here is that, like the Republican Fisherman joke, I caught on early that I was being screwed over, I handled it like a rational human being, I didn't fly off the hook - but STILL this is somehow all my fault. And that is NOT how I deserve to be treated. By someone of 14 years or by a stranger. I've been getting the fucking shaft relentlessly, and I don't deserve it.

And once again, as your advice indicates and the advice I recieve from my friends in front of my face winds up attacking me. As if I'm not doing enough to be ultra-human and saintly. Fuck that. I want someone's tears or blood dried to my hands.

I WILL be understood. Clearly. That's my modus operandi.

Tears are better. Break someone physically, they heal. Break someone mentally...

 

[E_SolSi]

the mental scars are definitely the deepest... (and this is coming from someone with more scars than your average rugby team)

 

[Celerity]

Yeah, the last guy she left me for, a "friend" of mine that I used to let her hang out with because he claimed to be gay, wanted to start a restaurant.

I track him. And whenever he applies for a restaurant licence, I'm right there to stop it. Next he's trying in New Haven, and I have no connections there. So I'll escalate and make it criminal charges.

It's my goal in life to make sure he dies in his parent's basement.

 

[reckedracing]

how many times did this girl break your heart?

 

[Celerity]

Just about everyday for about 10 years. I broke her heart too. We were young, and learned a lot of lessons.

Ultimately, I would have fought this new guy tooth and nail too. all sorts of make-up time, new ideas to put spark back in. But I was SICK of the depression that I had to deal with on a day to day basis. If she did any less, time would travel in reverse.

She's a member here too. Prolly reads all of this.

So, with that said, she was a loving person, in her own way. I know she did love me, and perhaps still does. But love doesn't shield nor prevent betrayal and other atrocities of trust. Character does that. And her character was lacking. I thought I was being so golden and saintly by sticking by her side through everything, and giving up my own life for hers (Think of the last few scenes in "What Dreams May Become") but in reality, it was only wasting time.

Goth Girl has such a hold on me because she was the first woman in about 10 years to actually say "I like you" and "You're worth it" and "I really appreciate you being around". Lies, apparently, but it still made me feel good. I forgot that after all these years I was a guy that was actually pretty cool and good to be with, and I adapted to it - making me the dried out, miserable hulk of garbage that I am (Or was until that dawned on me).

that's why I'll never get back with my ex. No way, no how. I took the force of the blow so many times that I was numb to it. Eaten alive from the inside out. Afraid or just too miserable to want to go home after work.

Which means that while she didn't treat me like total shit, she kinda did. I spent so much effort giving her attention and bending my will to make her happy, that I totally forgot that I had NO input to work with whatsoever. Goth girl gave me input, just a little.

And the mystery with Goth Girl is that when we were together, we had a blast. She would compliment me all the time, and professing her love for me towards the end. Then one day, BAM. "whatever fuck you bye". It's a mystery. And once I solve the mystery I can either forgive her and move on, or hate her and move on. Right now I'm in an emotional limbo.

And Forgiveness is a concept that I'm working on, diligently. I understand the power of Apology, but not of forgiveness.

 

[get_nick]

dude, this is a wrecked car. let the junk yard take it and move on.

not much more to say. it doesn't do any good to be bitter and trying to get vengeance. it will make you feel good for a little bit, but 10 years down the road you will look back and see it was a waste of time, effort and emotion.

 

[SlushboxTeggy]

if you want some help beating this guys ass just lemme know

You know I'm always up for some fun. Then we could drop him off in Ohio (or where ever) with no id, phone, or money. That should be a fun story to hear from her when you were "not involved at all".

 

[SlushboxTeggy]

it is HER choice. she's 30 years old. if she's not mature enough to see that he is a controlling douche bag then she deserves it. come on now. watch some dr. phil and learn a little.what is her other option? you? not fucking likely.

I don't exactly disagree with your logic, but if thats where your getting your info your opinion is now void to me.