A few funnies.

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Funny as hell...I don't give a damn I'll shit anywhere :). The only ones I hate are those fucking stall talkers they get on my nerves. Nothing like trying to squeeze one out and the guy shitting next to you starts talking to you about random bs. Makes me want to shit in my hand and throw it over at them.
 
93civicracer said:
Makes me want to shit in my hand and throw it over at them.
Click to expand...

Wad up a big piece of toilet paper, wipe your ass with it, drop/toss it on the floor so that it rolls into his stall, and then say: "Woops! Hey man, can you hand me that?"
 
Last edited:
Ever one to revive my own dead threads... I got a good one for you today....


Special Ring
[FONT=Verdana,]An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".[/FONT]
 
Doc_G said:
Ever one to revive my own dead threads... I got a good one for you today....


Special Ring
[FONT=Verdana,]An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"There's no money in that account." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".[/FONT]
Click to expand...

Ahaha- oh man, gotta love dirty old men :p
 
Doc_G said:
How to Poop at Work

[FONT=Verdana,]We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2008 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.[/FONT]
Click to expand...


Is this a checklist?
If it is, I win.
 
So where's the guide that explains what to do solely for the use of other person, the second to come in the bathroom? There's gotta be some survival tips for that, it's nasty to walk in when someone's taking a dump, especially when they got the runs.....ew.
 
That's what you think. I think the opposite. Probably cuz we're used to our own kind's shit. Gross, but true.
 
Hey guys I know its been a while but I've been busy. Ive got a good one for you today, maybe two:

Cops Test

[FONT=Verdana,]The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit." [/FONT]



Mortgage Problems

[FONT=Verdana,]One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."



Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."



Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said,"Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
[/FONT]
 
LS_VTEC said:
Brought this one back from the dead.
Click to expand...

yessir... I find it easier to use one thread and bump it when I have a new one than to clutter up ya'lls forums w/a bunch of threads w/single or double jokes.:D:ph34r:
 
WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'


HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'




WIFE: 'Why not - don't you like being married?'


HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'




WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'


HUSBAND: 'Okay, I'd get married again.'




WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).


HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).




WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'


HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'




WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'


HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'




WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'


HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'




WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'


HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'




WIFE: 'Would she use my golf clubs?'


HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'




WIFE: - - -silence - -


HUSBAND: 'Shit.'
 
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