Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear
Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle
Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
Dearest John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too
romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?
Affectionately,
Agnes
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for
each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
Love,
Agnes
Dear John:
When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front
steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through
the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind
of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck -
it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a
Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they
had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all over the lawn and I can't
move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smartass!
Agnes
Hey Shithead:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And
Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got
here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those
screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me!
You'll get yours!
Agnes
You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and
they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of
buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned.
I'm siccing the police on you.
One who means it!!
Agnes
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of
those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and
have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've
been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious,
rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers
Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes
McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future
cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to
contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a
warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender & Cajole
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear
Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle
Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
Dearest John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too
romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?
Affectionately,
Agnes
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for
each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
Love,
Agnes
Dear John:
When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front
steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through
the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind
of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck -
it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a
Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they
had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all over the lawn and I can't
move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smartass!
Agnes
Hey Shithead:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And
Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got
here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those
screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me!
You'll get yours!
Agnes
You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and
they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of
buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned.
I'm siccing the police on you.
One who means it!!
Agnes
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of
those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and
have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've
been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious,
rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers
Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes
McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future
cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to
contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a
warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender & Cajole
