Any one want to grade this essay?

[jeffie7]

As some of you might know I'm trying to obtain a Maryland GED.
Thanks mostly in part to blowing off My home-schooling when I was younger.

One thing I have to do on the test is write an essay. I cannot remember the last time if ever I've writen an essay. One part on the GED test is writing a 200-250 word essay. The topic Im about to write about is the pre-test topic listed in My 2004 edition GED book. Heres how it works.

The test is graded from 1 to 4. 1 being inadequate, 2-marginal, 3-adequate, and 4-effective. My goal is to score at least a 3.

I believe writing, grammar, and spelling are my weakest points on the GED test

Things the reviewer should be looking for.
Is there a clearly focused main idea?
Does the main idea of the essay address the assigned topic?
Is the essay clear and logically organized?
Is the word choice appropriate and effective?
Does the essay basically contain correct sentence structure, grammar, and mechanics?



Topic to write about.
What is the secret to staying young at heart, even as your body grows older?



Staying young at heart has a lot to do with how young you feel. For instents, if you sleep a lot, stay inside the house, and lead a low active life you will feel older then if you were to live a highly active life. I believe if you eat healthy and stay active it will keep you feeling young and vibrant .

A few ways you can keep yourself young at heart is to take up a couple hobbies. Here's a few ideas, restoring automobiles, playing golf, or going to a gym. For example, my Grandfather likes to do wood working, He builds many wonderful things ranging from a simple table and chair set, to a beautiful stained hardwood dresser. He also likes to garden. He brings us fresh fruits and vegetables almost year round! My grandfather is eighty-six years old, yet he seems to be more like a fifty year old.

Another way to keep yourself ahead of the aging game is to stay healthy by eating heathy. At least three meals a day, a nice size breakfast, light mid-day meal, and a heathy well rounded dinner, maybe even add some fresh fruit for dessert. Another thing that could help is taking vitamins. Taking a multivitamin everyday could help make your body feel younger, also, helping you feel young at heart.

Try to keep yourself active. From hobbies to exercising, and eating well to taking your vitamins. Always remember, you're only as old as you feel.



After writing that essay all I can say is. "damn it's very hard to come up with two hundered fifty words on a topic I could care less about writing about".

If you're still reading this. Thanks!

 

[driver1]

You ride an f4i and drive a 350z and you dont even have a GED, god damit i hate you! bastard.

on a side note i couldnt grade your essay if i had to im horrible at writing, my mother wrote every single paper i had to do in high school

 

[complicity]

I'll grade it. Someone else please do it too, in case I miss anything.

I'm going through it now, I'll get back to you.

 

[FFCiv]

in the first paragraph this is wrong: instents

instance

 

[jeffie7]

I sooo suck at spelling! I cheated and used google.com and instents is what came up... the F-ers! =)

 

[Havok]

Originally posted by jeffie7@Jun 10 2004, 09:26 PM
I sooo suck at spelling! I cheated and used google.com and instents is what came up... the F-ers! =)

Jesus man.....type it in MS Word, F7 is your friend.

 

[jeffie7]

Originally posted by Havok+Jun 10 2004, 09:51 PM-->

jeffie7

@Jun 10 2004, 09:26 PM
I sooo suck at spelling! I cheated and used google.com and instents is what came up... the F-ers! =)

Jesus man.....type it in MS Word, F7 is your friend.

Let me ask the GED teacher if I can use Word in the middle of testing =)
Im sure that would go over well!

 

[Bob Vila]

I'd give it a 2.5

Here's what I would have wrote:

Staying young at heart has a lot to do with how active you live your life. For instance, if you sleep a lot, stay inside the house, and lead a low active life you will feel older then if you were to live a highly active life. I believe if you eat healthy and stay active it will keep you feeling young and vibrant.

A few ways to keep yourself young at heart is to take up a few hobbies that interest you. Here are a few ideas; restoring automobiles, playing golf, or going to a gym. For example, my Grandfather likes to wood work. He builds many wonderful things ranging from a simple table and chair set, to a beautifully stained hardwood dresser. Furthermore, he also likes to garden. Nurturing his plants to live a healthy life. He brings us fresh fruits and vegetables almost year round! My grandfather is eighty-six years old, yet he seems to resemble a fifty year old due to his lifestyle.

Another way to keep ahead of the aging game is to stay healthy by eating well. At least three meals a day, a nice size breakfast, light mid-day meal, and a healthy well rounded dinner. Fresh fruit for dessert is always a great idea. Taking vitamin supplements is also a great idea to maintain a healthy and young lifestyle. By taking a multivitamin everyday, you can help make your body feel younger.

In conclusion, always try to keep yourself active. Hobbies that interest you, to exercising, as well as maintaining a healthy diet will enable you to retain the young feeling inside. Always remember, you're only as old as you feel.

 

[jeffie7]

I scored 39 out of 50 on the writing part of the test here's how the grading system works.

If I get a 2-marginal, on the essay test I will have to get 39 out of 50 questions on the writing part of the GED test right. If I get a 3-adequate I only have to get 20 out of 40 right and if I score a 4-effective, I can pass with only getting 5 out of 40 quetions right

So if you gave me a 2.5 that means I would pass, woohoo! =)

I've put about 2 nights into the writing part of the test. Today is the first attempt at writing an essay. Im hoping over the next 30 days I can get my writing test score up to 45-50 out of 50 and my essay up to 3

 

[complicity]

-Is there a clearly focused main idea? yes. is it detailed? no.
-Does the main idea of the essay address the assigned topic? yes and no. you state opinions, not facts. they are not facts because you don't have anything to back them up with. it doesn't hold my interest for this reason.
-Is the essay clear and logically organized? yes and no. you start out well, and you end well. the middle of your essay is fairly weak, with again, the problem being too many opinions and not enough facts. OR details. do some more research on the benefits of diet+exercise, edit in some details where they belong, and your case will be much stronger.
-Is the word choice appropriate and effective? it's fairly appropriate, but not effective at all. expand your vocabulary. use dictionary.com/thesaurus.com.
-Does the essay basically contain correct sentence structure, grammar, and mechanics? no. use microsoft word. your spelling and sentence structure are your weakest points.

The test is graded from 1 to 4. 1 being inadequate, 2-marginal, 3-adequate, and 4-effective. My goal is to score at least a 3.

overall, i would give your essay a 1.5. your idea was stated, and your opinion stated clearly. but you seriously lacked facts, which translates into lack of knowledge, and therefore a weak and un-convincing case. do some more research on diet+exercise if you are going to use this as a topic.

i edited your essay but left most of the word choices and sentence structure up to you, i re-worded, re-arranged and correctly spelled some words.

here's my edited version of your essay:

Staying young at heart is directly related to how young you feel. For instance, if you sleep at least eight hours a night regularly, stay out of the sun (or use a lotion with a SPF), and lead a fairly active life, you will look and feel much younger than if you do the opposite. I believe if you eat healthy and stay active it will help you feeling young and vibrant, inside as well as out.

Consistent hobbies add to the length of your life and keep your heart and other vital organs strong. Some examples of active pastimes are restoring automobiles, playing golf, or going to a gym on a regular basis. For example, my grandfather is very active in woodworking. He has a number of things ranging from a simple table and chair set to a beautiful stained hardwood dresser. He also enjoys gardening, and brings us fresh fruits and vegetables just about year round. My grandfather is eighty-six years old, and yet his appearance and personality resemble that of someone thirty years his junior.

Think of aging as a game. You can be one step ahead of it by not only leading an active lifestlye, but also by eating healthy. Consume at least three meals a day, consisting of a nice sized breakfast, a light mid-day meal, and a healthy, well rounded dinner. Consider having fresh fruit for dessert over a pastry or other sugary food. Furthermore, taking a multivitamin will greatly add to your overall well-being, inside and out. Taking one everyday can make your body feel younger, and therefore making you feel young at heart.

Try to keep yourself active. From hobbies as well as exercise, to eating well and taking your vitamins. Always remember, you’re only as old as you feel.

some places where you need details are:
--when you describe what to eat (3 meals a day). you should include examples of these meals, like oatmeal and fresh fruit for breakfast, a grilled chicken salad or wrap for lunch, and steak and potatoes for dinner (or whatever ).
--describe what a multivitamin actually does for you and your organs/systems.

i hope i helped.

 

[posol]

here's what i would have wrote.
































i graduated, and wouldn't be taking a GED test.

lol j/p y0. good to see your finially finishing up.

Staying young at heart has a lot to do with how young you feel. For instents, if you sleep a lot, stay inside the house, and lead a low active life you will feel older then if you were to live a highly active life. I believe if you eat healthy and stay active it will keep you feeling young and vibrant .

ok, and? your thesis is weak at best. never use an example in an opener. never. ever. -10
you? no. never you. the reader isn't doing shit to stay in shape. hes sitting on his ass reading your essay. one, not you.

to re-write:

There are many so-called secrets to life that exist in our culture. Among them, the concept of staying young at heart is often widely discussed. Although the body ultimately grows old and fragile, the mind is something that can be controled by ones lifestyle and overall outlook on life.

short, to the point, strong thesis, and it gives you your two main body paragraphs to build on- lifestyle and outlook- and prove.

since i'm going a different route than you took, the rest of your paragraphs won't follow at all.
and since im too lazy, im not doing this for you

paragraph #2:

Lifestyle. here, you'd talk about eating habbits and physical activities, and such.

finally, you'd wrap this paragraph up, and lead into the next topic, outlook, like so:

Although one may be physcially active, being metally stable (i dunno.. some word) is also a key factor

ok cool, we have a great lead in that ties the two together.... now, for para #3.

Outlook. talk about the mental side of things... being happy, ejoying stuff, etc.

finally, you need to wrap this paragraph up and lead into your conclusion (and project to the future linda...), with something like:

When one has found his or her mental state of well being, the hard part is to keep up with it. (that's worded like shit, but its the point im trying to make)

now, for the conclusion. wrap up, and call-for-action on your thesis.

While many other factors of one's environment can sway an individual's way of life, doing what one can to control his or herself is the key to success. Only with the combination of both a positive outlook and physical activity is it possible for one to truely be young at heart.

the end.

 

[jeffie7]

I have no idea what the topics are going to be. They will give me a choice of 3 topics, I have to pick 1 of the 3 to write about.

If you fail a test in the GED you have to retake the test again, however if you pass with a 450 or higher you will not have to take the test again there's a total of 5 test.

My coworker failed the GED test but passed the writing/essay part with over a 450. She does not have to take the writing/essay test again. She told me everything on the GED test is supersimple VS what the prep books list. That gives me hope =) since Im doing pretty good over all on all the test - my first attempt at writing an essay.
She told me the essay questions were super simple something like, who's your best friend and why? I could easily right about that. B is such a great guy he's one big teddy bear that is fun to snuggle with =)

the problem I had with the growing old while staying young at heart subject is, I had no idea what to write I was just making up shit as I went..

Im hoping I get a question like Why do you like cats, or what are your thoughts on gay marriage, Oh crap wait, wrong forum...

=)~

BTW Today driving to work I saw a sign pointing north on RT2 that said Wedding Lisa and Shannon

Hmmmm does maryland support same sex marriage?

 

[posol]

i know a guy named shannon.... so whatever.

anyway, REGARDLESS of the topic, do what i did.

open it, give yourself a couple points- which will then become your body paragraphs.
link them
wrap it up with a call for action.

you pass.

 

[K2e2vin]

Originally posted by pissedoffsol@Jun 10 2004, 11:17 PM
i know a guy named shannon.... so whatever.

anyway, REGARDLESS of the topic, do what i did.

open it, give yourself a couple points- which will then become your body paragraphs.
link them
wrap it up with a call for action.

you pass.

i usually get like 3s on essays.

 

[Citizen_Insane]

I would rate it about 2 to 2.5. You need to use a more diverse vocabulary. Your limited work choices and somewhat short choppy sentences take a lot away from your writing. Try to elongate your sentences without useing lots of "and's". Use semicolons (; ) and other punctuation to add diversity. I think your overall agument was fine. They arn't looking for facts; they want to see that you have the ability to write cohearantly (lol i suck at spelling too ). I think you'll do fine. I've seen much worse in higher lever High School classes.

 

[Celerity]

I'm kinda tempted to write.

Think I should ?

-> Steve

(Maybe I should start asking before unleashing the literary beast from now on)

 

[hcivic.com]

here you are allowed to write an exam on the comp if you first register before hand

 

[phunky.buddha]

Wow... that's a short essay.

Honestly- I would have given that essay a 2 at best. I agree with complicity and B. You need more detail, more solid points to support the opening you state in the introduction, as well as a better closer. If you want a sure winner, go with the 5 paragraph formula:

I. Introduction
a. State topic
b. Give 2-3 sentences of background information that will lead to your main statement
c. Make main statement- this is what you will be proving in the body of your essay. The main statement (or whatever you want to call it) will contain the 3 key points that you write about in the body paragraphs.

II. Point #1
a. State supporting point
b. Give evidence to support that point
c. Quick summary of point

III. Point #2
a. State supporting point
b. Give evidence to support that point
c. Quick summary of point

IV. Point #3
a. State supporting point
b. Give evidence to support that point
c. Quick summary of point

V. Conclusion
a. Reiterate main statement without repeating the wording you used in the introduction paragraph
b. Summarize each of your supporting paragraphs
c. End with a prediction for the future, a recommendation, a warm fuzzy feeling, whatever.


If you suddenly get a stroke of ambition, go ahead and add another supporting point or two if you feel like you have time to write about it. More detail on each of your supporting points is usually better though.

This is a simple essay formula that works through high school and even college- and one that consistently allows me to score 5.5 out of 6.0 (half point increments for the score) on the GRE test. The GRE is like the SAT, but it's harder because you use it to get into graduate school.

You can get more complex in your writing if you want, but given the time constraints that you're usually operating under in a standardized test, the 5 paragraph setup tends to work pretty well. Something that helps me sometimes is to just make a quick outline on a piece of scratch paper or in the test book margin that covers what you're going to write about. All you really need to do is lay it out like this:

Intro
Point #1
Point #2
Point #3
Conclusion

Write out what your actual points are. Once you start writing stuff down- even if it's not going into the actual essay- the words will just start to flow. It's a great way to get going if you're stuck.

Good luck!

 

[racintweek]

i live in VA

since your from MD you how much VA suxors my nuts

you dont have squat to worry about i passed my VA ged with flying colors and i am FAR from even thinking about being intelligent
dude dont sweat it

 

[StarBellieAngel]

i'd be happy to proofread it for you jeffie...

i've always had good spelling and grammar. i correct dave all the time... boy does he hate that.