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Break Ups

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by kriz, Apr 29, 2009.

  1. kriz

    kriz New Member

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    Since the previous thread got crazy and was locked I'm making one to argue my case here... I realize I'm only 17 and I have not had as much experience in relationships as most of you BUT I still feel like what you guys are saying doesn't make much sense.

    When you break up with someone, why would it be a bad idea to be friends? It tempts you to go back you say... Yeah that can be true, its happened to me (with the chick I just had a really bad breakup with, in fact) but not necessarily. Just because you like someone's personality and also like them physically doesn't mean you're going to get with them at the first chance you have. For example there's another girl at my school with whom I've had a kind of on/off relationship, definitely did not work out very well. We just hooked up at the wrong times, either I didn't really want to be with her or she didn't really want to be with me and it turned to shit. Regardless I really enjoy her company, she's funny and very smart. I told her we should forget about our previous relationships and just be friends and we have been since. Sometimes there's a bit of awkwardness here and there but with time it fades off. Aside from that... when you say this:

    It makes me mad. This girl was a total b*** to me, she f***ed me over ok? So I should go out of my way to avoid getting in hers? I'm sorry but that seems like what she would want me to do in the first place. I want to carry on with my life just the way it was, show her it doesn't make a difference whether she's by my side or not. The only reason I would have wanted to stay in good grounds with her is because we have a lot of mutual friends and it makes a lot of situations very awkward and unpleasant when I'm not acknowledging her existence and she is constantly dissing me indirectly. I mean even if it isn't the "mature" thing to do, why should I have to change my routine for her when she doesn't deserve it? Its not like I'm looking for a conflict, in fact I avoid being by her as much as I can in general but not enough that it will affect my own social life. How is it fair for me to say, not go to a party or hang out with a group of friends because she's there? She was the b**** if she doesn't like my presence she can leave.

    /end rant ^_^
     
  2. BrutalB83

    BrutalB83 Brutal Moderator Moderator VIP

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    That's different. You were friends first, you tried dating, it didn't get serious, it didn't really work out, so you went back to being friends. That's not the same as being in a serious relationship with someone and breaking up. I wasn't trying to say that a guy and a girl can't be just friends. I was saying that you can't be good friends right away with someone that you just ended a serious relationship with (if you actually want the relationship to end, that is). Understand the difference?

    If that's the way you're handling this, then I think you're doing fine. You can be friendly with the person, just don't try and actually be friends the way that Byron and Kristin (people from the other thread) were, like asking the other to hang out, watch movies, calling, etc.

    There's absolutely nothing wrong with being polite to your ex when you're forced to interact. In fact, that will only make you look better to everyone else...
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2009
  3. Briansol

    Briansol Admins Admin VIP

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    out of all the girls i dated in my life, i stayed friends with one. And the only reason why we're friends now is becuase of the circumstances around our break up... it was a summer fling and i was going back out of state back to college. amicable, just bad circumstances.

    i'd go back out with her in a heart beat...

    and THAT is why you can't be friends. there's always that weird sexual tension.
     
  4. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member VIP

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    End of discussion.

    Men have huge egos. We ALWAYS think that a girl wants our dick, no matter what she says. Pretty much every guy on the face of the planet has spent a ridiculous amount of time, energy and money on some skirt because we all assume that that one night is going to come. All we have to do is stick it out so we can stick it in.
     
  5. INJEN78

    INJEN78 HS LEGEND

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    lock it up!!!
    these threads go nowhere,we have tried having them in the past..
    basically with opinions nobody will win..so its pointless
     
  6. invisibledemon

    invisibledemon Bored Moderator VIP

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    well, here we go....

    heres my view and experience on things.
    what you are mainly talking about up there isnt a relationship, you and the girl had a small relationship, not the same thing.
    if you dated the girl for a month or two then that still doesnt fall into this situation.
    im talking long term relationship, year or two minimum, not that this couldnt apply to shorter relationships, because the situations differ amongst people.

    when you are with another person for a good amount of time, the become part of your routine. they become a habit. its habit to think of them, to be close to them, to touch, kiss, and have sex with them.
    that person becomes a part of you everyday life for an extended period of time.
    when that relationship comes to an end, it will be very hard for both parties, usually.
    when you try to become friends after a recent breakup with this person, they are still a habit. you will be automatically tempted to fall back into the old habits.
    you cant be a full honest friend to an ex until the habit is gone.

    what you are talking about with wanting to show the ex that your better off without her, shows the maturity level. sooner or later you will realize that you really could give a shit less what she thinks.
    by changing your schedule or routes you are showing her that you are going out of your way to avoid contact with her. who cares how that makes her feel, you are still thinking of a breakup as a let me show you up type of thing.
    instead of thing about doing things to avoid drama, arguing, fighting, and attempts of jealousy.
    i would much rather go out of my way to avoid an ex. the farther away from an ex you are, the easier it is to move on, you sound like you dont want to move on from this girl, sounds to me like you still have a slight glimmer of hope that something may come up again, no matter how much you say she was a bitch, blah blah blah.
    all of my gf's became good friends with my friends. back then, it bugged the ever living piss out of me that they hung out after we broke up, but once again, maturity changes things.
    when she is friends with your friends, you learn to share, and still avoid the other person. make new friends, thats part of life, you think its a big issue that she's hanging with the same people, get the fuck over it, chances are, that once you get out of hs and go your path, you will rarely talk to most of those people. and new friends will be made.
    when your friends call you up to go to a party, ask if she's going to be there, if no, then go have some fun, if yes, find another party, or toss one of your own.
    eventually, your friends will split between you two, it will go something like this:
    most female friends will head with her, unless they secretly have some feelings for you or just think shes a straight out cunt (usually the first though) and the guys will head out with you, unless they want to poke her.


    theres really no way to make you understand this, the only way is for you to go out, make your mistakes and choices and learn from them.

    im a people watcher, i love to just observe people, and would have gone to college for phsycology had my situations been different. i observe these types of break ups, and always have the same results.

    get over the macho man bullshit about "i dont want her to think she has affected me blah blah blah" who gives a fuck, let her know that she got to you, then she eventually see what kind of a cunt she was.

    then one day, when all feelings are gone, theres a chance of a friendship, if you so choose.
     
  7. invisibledemon

    invisibledemon Bored Moderator VIP

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    this just seems like a general question injen,
    the other thread was "let us air out our dirty laundry"
    this, he's not giving much specifics, just asking why people see things the way they do, basically back up your opinion.

    two different things.
    and besides, you're pw. lol. your opinion doesnt count. ;)jk
     
  8. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

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    I have stupid experience in this area. I spent all of college at some form of a bad relationship/break-up/trying to be friends with an ex.

    It happened the same every time.
    1) Break-up.
    2) Complete avoidance.
    3) Loneliness.
    4) Casual hanging out in public(grabbing lunch, going to the bar, etc.)
    5) Casual hanging out at each others place.
    6) Both parties get horny enough to make a dumb mistake.
    7) Casual sex leads back to a relationship.

    This will repeat until one or both parties find someone else and the drama llama arrives.

    Should you have to avoid someone and alter your life to avoid the cycle or drama? No. But with my experience I learned to think with the right head. You think rationally about it rather than emotionally. Rationally I knew it would work with this girl, but if I didn't alter my behavior, the cycle and drama would continue because of my emotions.

    -Delete the number and don't pick up when they call (usually superficial, I still know my ex's number by heart)
    -Block them on AIM
    -Avoid places you know they will be (I stopped going to the bar and limited my time at her sorority house because I knew she would be at both regularly)
    -Keep idle hands busy (I worked on the car, hung out with my buddies she didn't like, chased random ass. Whatever, just do something.)

    It's all about altering your behavior. If you continue to act the same, you will get the same results.
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2009
  9. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

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    You made lots of great points. But I would just like to add experience to this advice.

    I have seen my ex a handful of times in the past year and a half. I avoided contact. My feelings for my ex are gone. I can honestly say this. Why? Because I have no desire to be her friend when I wanted it more than anything 2 years ago. I don't like her as a person and the way she acts. She has not changed recently. But I was blinded by my emotions. Step back, let things settle, think rationally, and act on your new found knowledge of the situation.

    BTW, sex has nothing to do with this. It is the habit of a relationship like invisibledemon said.
    How many of my exes am I still friends with? 0
    How many girls that I simply had sex with am I still very good friends with? 3 or 4. These are the girls I ask for advice about other girls. There is never jealousy or awkwardness. They even helped my get over the last ex.
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2009
  10. invisibledemon

    invisibledemon Bored Moderator VIP

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    that right there is what i call the vicious cycle.
    it will continue repeating until one realizes that its not healthy, and leads to more trouble.
     
  11. invisibledemon

    invisibledemon Bored Moderator VIP

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    thats true, a lot of the time, like i said in the other thread, i have exes that i will never speak to again, just because we are now very different people.
    there are exes that i speak to on a daily basis, i thoroughly enjoy their company, and we all know that there arent any types of feelings or emotions left over.
    one of them was my first real love, and pretty much my first everything else, ;).
    we talk all of the time, we know each other in and out, and thats what makes us such good friends. we know that we can be us around each other with no guard up because we've already been there.
    but, i went over 2 years with absolutely no contact with her. after our breakup we tried to be friends, but we always, always ended up in bed. and talks of getting back together. never worked.
     
  12. kriz

    kriz New Member

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    Actually we dated first, then we became friends but I guess you are right in that we never had a serious relationship. The other girl though, the one that screwed me over, we've been really good friends since freshman year in highschool and we've been on each other's case since. We didn't actually date, it was rather complicated she had a bf and I went my own way and we would always find our way back to each other...

    Thanks that was some really good advice. I just want you to better understand where my desire to "show her up" comes from. I'm not doing it to stay close to her in hopes of getting her back. I'm not being cocky or thinking myself above/smarter than that, in fact it happened to me a couple times with this girl. Simply put this last time we had a shot for a really good relationship and I ended it because I realized that the girl I was in love with didn't exist. Somewhere along the road in our on and off encounters I fell for a facade that she put up. When we got together this last time I saw her for what she really was, how she was playing me and as hard as it was I cut it off... Sure almost immediately afterwards I backed up and got really mad at myself and tried to make things up to at least be friends maybe in hopes of something else because I really loved this girl but then she did some things and it brought me back to reality. She never cared for me, and I was in love with someone who wasn't her real self. I guess the only reason I don't want her to see she got to me is because I am full of macho bullshit, but hey I'm 17 lay off my case :D

    Seriously though thanks for the advice guys and I think I have a better understanding of what you meant now. I still don't think avoiding her is the best way out of the situation atm but maybe that will change with time.
     
  13. BigJ

    BigJ I'm just about that action Boss. VIP

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    I'm friends with all my ex's. One of them is engaged to my very good friend. Doesn't bother me a bit.

    The most recent really hurt me (2 weeks ago) and we were together for roughly a year, at that, I'm not where near over her, but she's over me and made it clear. I will be friends with her, as we share the same group of friends, and also because I will be with other chicks in time and she'll be the same jealous broad she was when we dated. I'm not a tic for tac player, and I'm not rushing into dating any of the hookers I could right now, but I'm definitely working on moving on.
     
  14. invisibledemon

    invisibledemon Bored Moderator VIP

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    lol, i like your terminology there.
     
  15. BigJ

    BigJ I'm just about that action Boss. VIP

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    It's all situational. I have had sex with ex's after we broke up, but we're all still friends. It never hurt anyone, and it always felt good. I never got my feelings hurt over it, nor did they.

    At that, it was better to me than them fucking someone else than me, but to me, I didn't grow to be a better person because of it.

    I will not make the same mistake with my current ex because of how recently bad she treated me, and my distaste for how I caved into my own needs before and not my values.
     
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