1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Email of the day

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by boostedf22, Sep 24, 2007.

  1. boostedf22

    boostedf22 dis is why im not

    Messages:
    1,581
    Likes Received:
    19
    Joined:
    May 28, 2007
    Location:
    in the land of OZ
    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are supposedly, things people actually said in court word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place.


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
    attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m .
    ATTORNEY: And Mr.Denton, was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
     
    1 person likes this.
  2. nootrac22

    nootrac22 Well-Known Member VIP

    Messages:
    4,331
    Likes Received:
    131
    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2007
    Location:
    exeter pa
    too fucking funny
     
  3. get_nick

    get_nick These snozzberries taste like snozzberries... VIP

    Messages:
    11,937
    Likes Received:
    1,056
    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2003
    Location:
    Washington State
    this one is my favorite. fucking retards
     
  4. invisibledemon

    invisibledemon Bored Moderator VIP

    Messages:
    7,402
    Likes Received:
    626
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2007
    Location:
    Tn
    thanks. made a bad day a little better.

    rep for you.
     
  5. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

    Messages:
    49,693
    Likes Received:
    53
    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2002
    Location:
    Retirement Home
    heheh, i got a few snickers out
     
  6. boostedf22

    boostedf22 dis is why im not

    Messages:
    1,581
    Likes Received:
    19
    Joined:
    May 28, 2007
    Location:
    in the land of OZ
    GOOD OL DAYS

    Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

    1967 - Vice principal comes over to look at Jack's shotgun. He goes to
    his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

    2007 - School goes into lock-down, and FB I is called. Jack is hauled
    off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
    traumatized students and teachers.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

    1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

    2007 - Police called. SWAT team arrives. Johnny and Mark are arrested and charged with assault. Both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

    1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the
    principal. He returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt class again.

    2007 - Jeffrey is diagnosed with ADD and given huge doses of ritalin.
    Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from State because Jeffrey has a learning disability.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

    1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to
    college, and becomes a successful businessman.

    2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is placed in
    foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist convinces Billy's sister that
    she remembers being abused herself, and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Scenario: Mark has a headache and brings some aspirin to school.

    1967 - Mark takes aspirin in lunchroom and headache goes away.

    2007 - Police called. Mark is expelled from school for drug violations.
    Car is searched for drugs and weapons.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Scenario: Pedro fails English in high school.

    1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

    2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear
    nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is
    racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher.
    English banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given a diploma anyway but ends up mowing
    lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
    puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a fire ant hill.

    1967 - Ants die.

    2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security, and FBI called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates parents; siblings are removed from home; computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on Terror Watch List and is never allowed to fly again.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his
    knee. He is found crying by his teacher who hugs him to comfort
    him.

    1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

    2007 - Teacher is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy .
     
  7. get_nick

    get_nick These snozzberries taste like snozzberries... VIP

    Messages:
    11,937
    Likes Received:
    1,056
    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2003
    Location:
    Washington State
    I had a hard time finding this entertaining. ya know why, because it's true. blah. today's society sucks.
     
  8. boostedf22

    boostedf22 dis is why im not

    Messages:
    1,581
    Likes Received:
    19
    Joined:
    May 28, 2007
    Location:
    in the land of OZ
    never mind !!!
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2007
  9. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

    Messages:
    9,392
    Likes Received:
    245
    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2004
    Location:
    New Jersey
    I can honestly say I never wanted to be a lawyer. I guess I'm too smart.
     
  10. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

    Messages:
    49,693
    Likes Received:
    53
    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2002
    Location:
    Retirement Home
    i did. in fact, i was a full semester declared as pre-law....
    and because i ended up typing so many damn papers, i started to get good with computers..... which lead to everything, including HS being invented :D

    so see, there is something good out of wanting to be a lawyer :p
     
  11. jamesA

    jamesA Well known pissed off telephone guy VIP

    Messages:
    16,118
    Likes Received:
    1,016
    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2003
    haha those are a little different from ones i saw posted on another board.
     
Verification:
Draft saved Draft deleted

Share This Page