http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays "I'm having a Makers Mark, you want one? What? 7up? I ain't mixing fucking makers with 7up. Might as well put a lil' fucking umbrella in it" “You touched that god damned biscuit. Bullshit, I saw you touch it….I don’t give a shit about your evidence, this isn’t a court of law." "It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you? "What are you listening to?...I know who Hall & Oates are god dammit. It's the mustache guy and the gay man." "I just did an hour on the gym machine. I'm sweaty and I have to shit. Where's my fannypack, this workout is over." to my bro-"Your baby dropped his binky. The binky is on the table. THE BINKY IS ON THE TABLE. BINKY ON TABLE. PICK.UP.THE.BINKY. Thank you." (watching the Little League World Series) "These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in little league.... You were fat." "You know, sometimes it's nice having you around. But now ain't one of those times. Now gimmie the remote we're not watching this bullshit." "Your mother rented this film, What Happens In Vegas. I thought it was going to be non-fiction, but it's fiction, and it's about some idiot. "The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that." "How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes." "Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks." "You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet." "Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing." "Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me." "Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down." "Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni (my mom) it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!" "The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog." "They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference, because you drink shit. I don't." "My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday...You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I'm a mad man if you don't pick me the hell up."