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how to interpret your Haynes Manual...

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by Airjockie, Mar 24, 2005.

  1. Airjockie

    Airjockie Watanabe Whore!!!

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    Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
    Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer counterclockwise.

    Haynes: This is a snug fit.
    Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

    Haynes: This is a tight fit.
    Translation: Not a hope in heck, bucko!

    Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
    Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox...

    Haynes: Pry...
    Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

    Haynes: Undo...
    Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40...

    Haynes: Retain small spring...
    Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!"

    Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
    Translation: "OK - thats the glass part off, now use some good pliers to dig out the base...

    Haynes: Lightly...
    Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing...

    Haynes: Routine maintenance...
    Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

    Haynes: One spanner rating.
    Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

    Haynes: Two spanner rating.
    Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of
    the Tokyo underground.

    Haynes: Three spanner rating.
    Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!

    Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
    Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Haynes: Compress...
    Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for
    while muttering "Piece of junk" repeatedly under your breath.

    Haynes: Inspect...
    Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
    at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,
    it's broke!"

    Haynes: Carefully...
    Translation: You are about to cut yourself.

    Haynes: Retaining nut...
    Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

    Haynes: Get an assistant...
    Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

    Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
    Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
    Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can
    start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

    Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
    Translation: But you swear in different places.

    Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
    Translation: Snap off...

    Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
    Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

    Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
    Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

    Haynes: Index
    Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do!
     
  2. xj0hnx

    xj0hnx I wanna be sedated VIP

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  3. Sabz5150

    Sabz5150 FALCON PUNCH!!!

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  4. Speedracer228

    Speedracer228 ......

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  5. tab

    tab Super Moderator

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  6. CivicDisturbance

    CivicDisturbance Member

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  7. phunky.buddha

    phunky.buddha Admin with a big stick Admin VIP

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