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How to read a Haynes manual.

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by Loco Honkey, Aug 3, 2003.

  1. Loco Honkey

    Loco Honkey Banned

    Likes Received:
    Jun 5, 2003
    Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

    Haynes: This is a snug fit.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: This is a tight fit.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

    Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
    Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you
    are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

    Haynes: Pry...
    Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

    Haynes: Undo...
    Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

    Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
    Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

    Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
    Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig
    out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

    Haynes: Lightly...
    Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
    are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Weekly checks...
    Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

    Haynes: Routine maintenance...
    Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you...

    Haynes: One spanner rating.
    Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

    Haynes: Two spanner rating.
    Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

    Haynes: Three spanner rating.
    Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

    Haynes: Four spanner rating.
    Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

    Haynes: Five spanner rating.
    Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

    Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
    Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    Haynes: Compress...
    Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

    Haynes: Inspect...
    Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

    Haynes: Carefully...
    Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

    Haynes: Retaining nut...
    Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

    Haynes: Get an assistant...
    Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

    Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
    Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

    Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
    Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

    Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
    Translation: Snap off...

    Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Everyday toolkit
    Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

    Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
    Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Index
    Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.
  2. Capt. Orygun

    Capt. Orygun Win the Day

    Likes Received:
    Nov 11, 2002

    LMAO- on the F15 reservior (hydraulic) theres a little spring and on either side of it two TINY ball bearings, these go into a poppet which sits inside a sleeve. If you pull the poppet out of the sleeve you fire the bearing across the room, problem is, that's the only way to take them apart :angry:

    spent many a night looking for those bearings
  3. starboy869

    starboy869 Senior Member

    Likes Received:
    Dec 31, 2002
    molegrips = vicegrips?
  4. Loco Honkey

    Loco Honkey Banned

    Likes Received:
    Jun 5, 2003

    Probably. I stole it from some limey's website. :)
  5. sportlinecrx

    sportlinecrx Banned

    Likes Received:
    Sep 28, 2002
    i want my minute back! :bash:
  6. ahedau

    ahedau Senior Member

    Likes Received:
    Nov 24, 2002
    Middle GA
    Me and Haynes did a complete engine swap by ourselves so I found this very humorous and true.

    I HATED that crap!!
  7. hcivic.com

    hcivic.com Senior Member

    Likes Received:
    Jan 7, 2003
    Calgary Alberta canada
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