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I need advice about my friend

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by SlushboxTeggy, Aug 2, 2008.

  1. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

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    First, some background. I've known Joe since we were 14. His mother died in HS and his father is a POS. He lived with family until HS ended then he went from one apt to another renting. Well now he lives with my family.

    The kid from my sig was our best friend besides each other. He died in a car accident driving home from Lake George for Joe's birthday 2 years ago. I still think about it everyday and as I write this I'm even getting a little teary eyed. Well Joe blamed himself and still does.

    A lot of times when he drinks the feelings come flowing out, but never as bad as they did tonight. He came home wasted(He has started drinking and driving again even though he had a DUI already), and walks into the den where I am. Without a hello he just said, "I'm so sick of this shit". When I asked of what, he said, "my life, I should just kill myself." When I probed deeper he said it's because of our friend Shaun, he's sick of thinking about it. He said he wanted to jump off a bridge about 10 minutes from here when he was driving home. He's asleep now but this resonated with me.

    Were all going on vacation from August 16th-23rd in NC. Well the 22nd is Joe's birthday and the 2 year anniversary. He plans to leave early so he can go to the graveyard on the 22nd. While I see why he wants to do this, he will be driving 10 hours by himself to the graveyard. I'm scared something might happen. I don't know how to deal with a situation like this.

    I've never seen it as an option personally but the younger brother of a girl we went to school with killed himself the other day and I think it may have put the idea in his head. Like I said, I don't know how to go about this. I'm going to talk to him about it tomorrow when he's sober and I'm sure he will say he's fine, but if these ideas present themselves when he's hammered I'm afraid of what could happen. I guess I'm just looking for ideas, advice, experiences, and really just needed to tell someone. While I may be overreacting, I don't want to see anything happen to my best friend.
     
  2. BrutalB83

    BrutalB83 Brutal Moderator Moderator VIP

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    Will you not be able to go to the cemetery with him? I think it would be a bad, bad idea for him to go alone with his present mindset...
     
  3. phunky.buddha

    phunky.buddha Admin with a big stick Admin VIP

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    Definitely don't let him go alone. Get him some professional help too.
     
  4. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

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    Well the 23rd the family will be in Baltimore for a Yankees/Orioles game. It was my father's Father's Day gift from us.

    But right now I definitely would go with him. The only problem is he probably wants to go alone. Since the funeral I have been to the cemetery once with friends, but countless times by myself. I understand the need to be there alone.
     
  5. phunky.buddha

    phunky.buddha Admin with a big stick Admin VIP

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    Well, really talk to him, get him some pro help, make him promise not to do anything rash...

    In the end, he is an adult and should be able to take care of himself.
     
  6. endlesszeal

    endlesszeal Senior Member

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    wow, deep..

    i dont know.. i would probably let him know your concerns and definitely seek professional help for him... and maybe work an agreement or negotiation? like you go with him, but let him have the alone time but still around?

    seriously, that would be selfish of him if he did anything. and as the say "two wrongs dont make a right." and definitely approach him in a sober state..but i think a heart to heart talk and letting him know is an option....

    good luck man.
     
  7. Briansol

    Briansol Admins Admin VIP

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    yup.

    hommie's got issues.
     
  8. Celerity

    Celerity Well-Known Member

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    he doesn't have issues, you do. He has the same issues that I had at his age, and you have my same issue at my current age.

    Let him go to the cemetary by himself. if he needs to do it alone, then you know why.

    People heal differently from other people, and yourself. The drinking is something that will pass. Were he seriously suicidal you wouldn't even know it - and just one night he wouldn't come home. His statements of killing himself are just control methods to get help. Sounds immature, but the threat-to-get method is actually nothing to be ashamed of, and it's a great way of getting the attention he wants.

    When I say "The attention he wants" I'm not being a snob. This is something serious, and I need to reinforce the fact that this isn't a childish behavior. It can actually tell you a lot about the situation and himself - as well as where his mind is.

    We talked a long time ago about "The Seven habits of highly effective people". The "I want to die" intro is nothing more than the "what's wrong / nothing" intro into a conversation. Now is your time to be an effective listener.

    That being said, if it's too late to do it - I would take my own car and follow up behind by a few minutes. That way if something does go wrong, you're on site. I call this "Batmanning". You're tagging along, but not really tagging along. You're just guaranteeing that you're the first one on site should something go wrong.

    To date, Batmanning has only worked once.
     
  9. phyregod

    phyregod !!YTINASNI

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    This is true, as far as suicide goes, most people who are going to do it, just go do it. His comment was a "cry for help".. Not to stop him from killing himself, but so he'll know that at least one person actually cares. Do talk with him, let him know you are concerned, and try to get him some real professional help.. There are suicide hotlines that offer free help over the phone, its cheesy, but its better than nothing at all.

    Most of all, get him to stop driving drunk, because not only is it a dipshit thing to do, but if he kills himself and a car full of 16 year olds in the process, this is all for not.
     
  10. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

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    He actually didn't. I saw his car and assumed. Our friend Dave dropped him off. Now that I think about it, he gets rides more often then not and will sometimes even walk. But he still does it occasionally.

    Other than that I will talk to him today. He's driving to my cousin's today so it's the perfect opportunity. I think he may just need someone to talk to. I went to the grief counselor at school after everything that happen, and he's dealing with it worse than me so talking to someone professionally could only help. At worst they can recommend where to go from here.
     
  11. Aleaf.CRX

    Aleaf.CRX Hates Cunts!

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    I agree with what everyone else is saying:

    1. Try and be the best listener you can. Don't say anything. Just listen.
    2. Let him know that it's not his fault and that you're there for him, which I'm sure you've been doing, but don't worry, it'll just click one day.
    3. Tail him a little when he's in his mood, just to make sure all's well.
    4. If you see repeated or worse behavior in the suicidal idealization, seek professional help. Such as rigorous counseling.
    5. If all else fails, well, you may have to admit him to a mental institution. If he's not safe enough on his own, he may have to be monitored.

    Good luck, I know this shit is hard for you.
     
  12. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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    watch out for his mood to change to happy or relieved all of the sudden... that can be a very bad sign
     
  13. Aleaf.CRX

    Aleaf.CRX Hates Cunts!

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    ^^^
    I get that kind of stuff, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.


    Is this kid a pretty level-headed person?
     
  14. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

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    Why is that a bad sign?
     
  15. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

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    Ha, not at all. When calm he's the nicest kid in the world and a blast to be around. But his temper is like mine. It's not a fuse, it's a light switch. To date the only person that can control us both, besides each other, is our friend Gerald.

    To go on record, I don't think he would do anything to himself because of his friends and family. He is an extremely caring and giving person who does like causing the people he loves any harm or pain. But frankly I don't want to be looking back wishing I did something instead of pretending all ways well.
     
  16. nootrac22

    nootrac22 Well-Known Member VIP

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    That's what my cousin did right before he killed himself.
     
  17. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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    bingo!

    it is usually a sign that they have came to a decision of how and when they are going to make their final exit

    the stress and sadness that they have been dealing with goes away because it doesnt matter any more, it will all be going away soon

    also look for him to start repaying outstanding debts and favors owed to friends (closure before the exit) as well as giving away possessions (wont need them when he's gone)

    not every one displays these signs, and they dont ALWAYS mean they are arranging for their exit... but a sudden happiness is definitely something to be very concerned over
     
  18. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

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    The only "depression" I saw was the other night when he came home and said this stuff. He's normally happy, smiling, and joking. I've known him for 8 years, I can tell when something is eating at him and he's just putting up a front but that's why I was concerned... I didn't see any of that, but then heard what he said.

    As far as debt, he has a good union job, he has very little debt. And the only reason he has shitty credit is because of when his cousin jacked his credit card a few years ago. Even his BMW is paid off.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm still keeping my eyes wide open and watching him.
     
  19. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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    not really talking about that kind of debt
    people who are about to off themselves dont usually give a rats ass about the people at the bank or credit card company getting their money... but often you will see little personal debts repaid... "oh hey heres the $10 i borrowed from you in december and never got back to you"... you havent been stressing over the $10... it doesnt really mean shit... youve probably forgotten about it months ago... but people often want to clear out those kinds of debts from their conscience before they go (as if they really think youll be there at their funeral pissed off saying "that mother fucker still owes me $10")... fuck the banks... in fact its not uncommon for people to take their friends out for a night on the town or throw a big party and charge the whole shit knowing they will not be paying it back... its partly their going away party, and partly them wanting to leave people with a good memory of them

    again it doesnt happen every time... but its stuff that might be warning signs

    if he is generally a happy person... just sit his ass down and talk to him... find out whats beating him up about this
     
  20. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    its more along the lines of "getting your things in order" than any debt

    here's a good list
     
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