WASHINGTON - After years of world leaders condemning America for overreaching its power, Americans elected their first ever Imperialist President. "We do everything we can to help the world, but we're still resented, they call us imperialist pigs," said DC cabbie Albert Shlutnick. "Now they'll see what imperialism is really like." Americans got a raw taste of its new leadership this morning at the first press briefing with President Hillshire in full form. The president opened the briefing with astonishing news: "Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce that Iran and North Korea no longer exist. Are there any questions?" Most in the press sat stonefaced in disbelief, then erupted in laughter taking it for a joke. But the longer Hillshire remained somber, the more they realized he was serious. "This is a Holocaust of historic proportions," said a reporter from the BBC news, continuing: "Sir, you are a war criminal." Hillshire chuckled, replying: "Will somebody get the English accent out of here, I thought we got rid of that after the Tea Party." As the Secret Service escorted the BBC reporter from the briefing room, Hillshire continued: " If there are any other Europeans in attendance, just remember you'd be a Nazi or a Soviet without America, so just keep brewin' the good beer and keep quiet, maybe we'll leave you alone for now. Are there any other questions?" "How did you annihilate those countries?" ABC news asked. "Ah, let's see, we dropped water balloons on them? Come on, I'm not going to reveal operational details. Let's suffice it to say that we'll soon have some satellite imagery showing the new shape of things over there." "Mr. president, did you notify any other world leaders of your actions?" "Actually, we did prank-call the Iranian president, we asked him if his refrigerator was running. When he said it was, we said 'not for long,'" the president said. "What are your future plans?" asked Fox News. "We're tossing a gigantic tariff on all Chinese imports. We're also diverting all charitable funds that were going overseas to American causes. Many never realized America is the most giving nation in the world, and now we're bringing it back home," Hillshire said. "Oh, and we've closed the United Nations," Hillshire continued. "After all, it was our idea in the first place. We started it over here, so we can end it." "Will there be no allies then? No diplomacy?" asked the New York Times. "Actually, all the other 'nations' will soon be taxpaying states, or be nuked out of existence. To start the process we've retained all their ambassadors and delegates as hostages." The reporters stood in dumbfounded silence. "Hey don't blame me, the voters put me here. After all, the world dubbed us imperialists the moment we finished pacifying much greater aggressors. Maybe we just needed to remind everyone how restrained we once were," the president said. "Do you have any words of encouragement for those in the world community?" asked a French journalist. "Citizens of the world, your first tax bill will be arriving shortly. Make checks payable to the U.S. Treasury. Oh, and welcome to America," the president said with a wink. I didn't write this.