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Jokes Of The Day?

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by B16RacerN2NR, Jun 12, 2005.

  1. B16RacerN2NR

    B16RacerN2NR Working Hard VIP

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    No one has posted any jokes recently so I decided to and realized it would be my 1000TH Post! :toot: :toot: :thankyou2:

    Different Perspective:
    A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
    The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.''

    The groom replies, ''I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.''

    The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

    The maid of honor notices this and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.''

    The bride replies ''I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.''


    Confession:
    A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."
    The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"

    "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

    The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

    The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

    The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

    "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in."


    Little Girl In Barber Shop:
    A little girl accompanied her father to the barbershop. While her dad received a haircut, the little girl stood next to the barber chair, enjoying a snack cake.
    The barber smiled at her and said, “Sweetheart, you’re going to get hair on your Twinkie.”

    “I know,” the little girl replied. “I’m gonna get tits, too.”


    Mother-In-Law:
    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

    However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

    One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'

    'My darling,' he replied, 'think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


    A Bunch Of Oxymorons:
    Good Grief
    Same Difference
    Almost Exactly
    Government Organization
    Everything Except
    Civil War
    Sanitary Landfill
    Alone Together
    Legally Drunk
    Silent Scream
    British Fashion
    Living Dead
    Small Crowd
    Business Ethics
    Soft Rock
    Butt Head
    Military Intelligence
    Software Documentation
    New York Culture
    New Classic
    Sweet Sorrow
    Childproof
    "Now, then"
    Synthetic Natural Gas
    Christian Scientists
    Passive Aggressive
    Taped Live
    Clearly Misunderstood
    Peace Force
    Extinct Life
    Temporary Tax Increase
    Computer Jock
    Plastic Glasses
    Terribly Pleased
    Computer Security
    Political Science
    Tight Slacks
    Definite Maybe
    Pretty Ugly
    Twelve-Ounce Pound Cake
    Diet Ice Cream
    Working Vacation
    Exact Estimate
    Religious Tolerance
    Freezer Burn
    Honest Politician
    Jumbo Shrimp
    Loners Club
    Postal Service
    Act Natural
    Happily Married
    Microsoft Works
    Holy War
    Found Missing
    Resident Alien
    Advanced BASIC
    Genuine Imitation
    Airline Food
     
  2. Battle Pope

    Battle Pope New Member

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    Don't get me started! :lol:
     
  3. BigJ

    BigJ I'm just about that action Boss. VIP

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    :lmao: Those were some good jokes!
     
  4. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he`s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy`s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn`t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don`t resist, don`t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he`ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn`t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
     
  5. B16RacerN2NR

    B16RacerN2NR Working Hard VIP

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    you told that one already didn't you? still funny as hell tho lol
     
  6. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    did i?
    not that i remember but it was a long weekend so who knows
    lol
     
  7. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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  8. Battle Pope

    Battle Pope New Member

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    wtf was that all about?
     
  9. B16RacerN2NR

    B16RacerN2NR Working Hard VIP

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    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  10. H22 Fan

    H22 Fan Member

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    oo0o0o0 shit
    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  11. totalburnout

    totalburnout Well-Known Member VIP

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    That made Maxim like 3 times in the past two years.
     
  12. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

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    LMMMFAO@ the black guy smiling... and you can't see him till you lighten the pic. lol

    there was a nother one like that... i think it was a prom pic of some sort... you could see his date, but you couldn't see him. funny shit.
     
  13. dveit

    dveit Well-Known Member VIP

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    For B. :lol:

    And :lmao: @ the black guy.
     
  14. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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  15. sohcslammer

    sohcslammer Senior Member

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    :bo: Holy fuck that is funny!
     
  16. BigJ

    BigJ I'm just about that action Boss. VIP

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