Celerity
Well-Known Member
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
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DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
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CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking we went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
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BROTHEL TRIP
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would
like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man
and asks how old he is.
"I'm 98 years old," he says.
"98!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
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PEST CONTROL A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector
from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on
in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she
pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him. "
I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"
the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said. "Those little bastards."
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
________________________________
DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
________________________________
CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking we went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
________________________________
BROTHEL TRIP
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would
like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man
and asks how old he is.
"I'm 98 years old," he says.
"98!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
________________________________
PEST CONTROL A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector
from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on
in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she
pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him. "
I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"
the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said. "Those little bastards."
