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"mature jokes"

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by 90 accord, Oct 7, 2004.

  1. 90 accord

    90 accord Chicks dig the box Moderator VIP

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    Sep 29, 2002
    Mesa, AZ
    Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.

    "My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down." The other two dogs nodded sympatheticly, then the second, a Kelpie, explained his situation.

    "A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the loungeroom, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep." The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for.

    "My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and once when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life." The other dogs tut-tutted.

    "So you're here to be put down too?" he asked. The Shepard shook his head.

    "No, just to get my nails clipped!"


    Once upon a wish...

    A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

    He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

    "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes."

    "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

    "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It
    looks like you're a goner anyway!"

    The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
    plentiful food and drink."

    ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

    "OK, kid, what's your second wish."

    "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

    ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

    "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

    After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

    ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

    The moral of the story?

    If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!


    Mr. Smith goes downstairs in the morning and his doorman says, "Mr. Smith, how are you?" Smith says, "I feel great." Doorman says, "But you look terrible!" Smith says, "But I feel great."

    When Smith gets to the office, his secretary asks him how he is. He says, "I feel great!" She says, "But you look terrible." He says, "But I feel great." Smith goes to lunch with his friend and they have just the same conversation. His friend insists that he goes to the doctor and so that is what Mar Smith does.

    The doctor asks what the problem is. Smith says, "I feel great but I look terrible." DR says, "I don't know that ailment so I'll look in my medical book." The doctor takes out a huge tome. "Feels great, looks terrible..." he says as he turns the pages, "Feels great, looks terrible.... Feels gre... I've got it!! You're a vagina!"


    A man awoke one morning and he noticed he had an orange penis.
    Mistified by this he tested it, making sure everything was fine, and it was.
    So he ignored it and went to work.

    While in the urinal a friend looked over and seemed very suprised.
    His friend said, "Dude! What happened, doesn't that hurt?!"
    He said, "Nope, i just woke up and it was like that."
    His friend replied, "You should get that looked at."

    So after the man got done with work he went to the doctor. The doctor asked, "This is a special case, what exactly did you do this weekend?"

    The man said, "Not much, just ate cheetos and watched pornos..."
  2. CRX-YEM

    CRX-YEM Super Moderator Moderator VIP

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    Sep 29, 2002
    Wallingford, CT
  3. YouKnowWhoIBee

    YouKnowWhoIBee my avatar is better.

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    Dec 22, 2003
    Here is one for yah... One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

    Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

    He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."

    The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
  4. spectacle

    spectacle Senior Member

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    Aug 23, 2003
    St. Petersburg, Fl
  5. dohcvtec_accord

    dohcvtec_accord WRX Sellout

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    Sep 29, 2002
    The left lane

    Nice. :lol:
  6. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

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    Sep 28, 2002
    Retirement Home
    the tampon string one owns :)
  7. xj0hnx

    xj0hnx I wanna be sedated VIP

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    Nov 10, 2002
    Two friends were sitting in bar, one well off and the other just scaping by. The poor guy ask his friend, "So, what are you getting your wife for Christmas?". The rich friend replies, "I got her a diamond necklace, and a sports car, so if she doesn't like the necklace, she can go and exchange it, how about you? What did you get your wife?" The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo, so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
  8. phunky.buddha

    phunky.buddha Admin with a big stick Admin VIP

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    Sep 30, 2002
    Dallas / Fort Worth, TX
  9. smooth95

    smooth95 Senior Member

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    Nov 13, 2003
    South Cali
    Those are some funny ass jokes :lol:
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