Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale. "My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down." The other two dogs nodded sympatheticly, then the second, a Kelpie, explained his situation. "A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the loungeroom, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep." The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for. "My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and once when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life." The other dogs tut-tutted. "So you're here to be put down too?" he asked. The Shepard shook his head. "No, just to get my nails clipped!" ------------------------------------------ Once upon a wish... A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story? If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached! ------------------------------------------- Mr. Smith goes downstairs in the morning and his doorman says, "Mr. Smith, how are you?" Smith says, "I feel great." Doorman says, "But you look terrible!" Smith says, "But I feel great." When Smith gets to the office, his secretary asks him how he is. He says, "I feel great!" She says, "But you look terrible." He says, "But I feel great." Smith goes to lunch with his friend and they have just the same conversation. His friend insists that he goes to the doctor and so that is what Mar Smith does. The doctor asks what the problem is. Smith says, "I feel great but I look terrible." DR says, "I don't know that ailment so I'll look in my medical book." The doctor takes out a huge tome. "Feels great, looks terrible..." he says as he turns the pages, "Feels great, looks terrible.... Feels gre... I've got it!! You're a vagina!" ------------------------------------------- A man awoke one morning and he noticed he had an orange penis. Mistified by this he tested it, making sure everything was fine, and it was. So he ignored it and went to work. While in the urinal a friend looked over and seemed very suprised. His friend said, "Dude! What happened, doesn't that hurt?!" He said, "Nope, i just woke up and it was like that." His friend replied, "You should get that looked at." So after the man got done with work he went to the doctor. The doctor asked, "This is a special case, what exactly did you do this weekend?" The man said, "Not much, just ate cheetos and watched pornos..."