Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition So-Cal dolls for
the Southern California market:
Irvine Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at The Irvine Spectrum. She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog
named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck
and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
Tustin Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and
matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or
secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.
Van Nuys Barbie
This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun,
a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This
model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash.
Preferably in small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't
know what you are talking about.
Santa Monica Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.
Included are a Starbucks travel cup, credit cards, French pedicure and
country club membership. Also available for this set are Real Estate Magnate
Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Fontana Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small,
a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack
of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and
kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck
separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Newport Beach Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini,
Jimmy Choo slides and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at her
beach house. Shallow Ken can be found in the cabana making out with Jail
Bait Skipper. Percocet prescription recommended.
Riverside Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled
sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of
Fontana Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans,
fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top.
Also available with a mobile home.
Laguna Beach Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless
feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She
prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll,
but you if purchase two Laguna Beach Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon,
you get a rainbow flag sticker free.
Long Beach Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infantdoll. Optional accessories
include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available,
but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Rancho Santa Margarita Barbie
With frosted blonde hair and a French manicure, she's perfect in every way.
We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting.
City of Industry Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired
temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats.
The optional Ken doll comes with a meat-packer's uniform and is missing
three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for City of
Industry Barbie or Ken but forged CA licenses are optional.
West Hollywood Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply
adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.
the Southern California market:
Irvine Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at The Irvine Spectrum. She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog
named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck
and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
Tustin Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and
matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or
secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.
Van Nuys Barbie
This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun,
a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This
model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash.
Preferably in small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't
know what you are talking about.
Santa Monica Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.
Included are a Starbucks travel cup, credit cards, French pedicure and
country club membership. Also available for this set are Real Estate Magnate
Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Fontana Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small,
a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack
of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and
kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck
separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Newport Beach Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini,
Jimmy Choo slides and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at her
beach house. Shallow Ken can be found in the cabana making out with Jail
Bait Skipper. Percocet prescription recommended.
Riverside Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled
sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of
Fontana Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans,
fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top.
Also available with a mobile home.
Laguna Beach Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless
feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She
prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll,
but you if purchase two Laguna Beach Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon,
you get a rainbow flag sticker free.
Long Beach Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infantdoll. Optional accessories
include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available,
but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Rancho Santa Margarita Barbie
With frosted blonde hair and a French manicure, she's perfect in every way.
We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting.
City of Industry Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired
temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats.
The optional Ken doll comes with a meat-packer's uniform and is missing
three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for City of
Industry Barbie or Ken but forged CA licenses are optional.
West Hollywood Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply
adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.
