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New essay. Have fun nicpicking on it =)

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by jeffie7, Jun 20, 2004.

  1. jeffie7

    jeffie7 Wrong Whole! VIP

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    I have yet to receive a confirmation date on when my GED test is taking place. I'm guessing it will be on the 9th or 10th of July. Times a tickin......

    Just so you know, I wrote this essay down as if I were testing and then did a quick type up of it. There might be a few typos thanks to me rushing it.

    This topic is not as bad as the last one so hopefully I did better this time around.

    Topic Title. What is one important goal you would like to achieve in the next few years?



    And off we go!
    _____________________________________________________________________

    In the next few years I would like to become either a Police Officer, Fireman, or Paramedic.

    I've always been the type of person who likes to help people. If I become a Police Officer I could help reduce crime. If I become a Fireman I could help save lives by helping people out of dangerous places, weather it be a burning building, or another september eleventh. If I were to become a Paramedic I could help save lives by responding to an accident, house call, or helping someone out who needs help while I'm off duty in a public place.

    Another thing I really like about the Police, Fire and Paramedics is the benefits. They offer very good health insurance as a good life, and retirement plan.
    Police and Fire Departments in Maryland offer a 20 year retirement program. That means, if I'm accepted into the Police, or Fire Academy this year, I could retire at the age of 41! Although, I'm not quite sure about the retirement program offered by the local Paramedics, I'm guessing it is up to par with the Police and Fire Departments.

    In order to apply for a position with the Police, Fire, or Paramedic Departments I first need to obtain a GED. After I receive my GED I might take a few college courses to help further my education.

    I'm hoping over the next few years I can have my new carrier underway. Who knows, maybe one day I might just save your life. But on the other hand I might pull you over for speeding and write you a ticket. Only time will tell.
     
  2. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

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    dude, thats not even close to a word
     
  3. jeffie7

    jeffie7 Wrong Whole! VIP

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    got damnit F google from here on out Im using http://webster.com/


    I've misspelled more words using google bah
     
  4. MugenCRX

    MugenCRX Senior Member

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    Career is spelled like this. And the well should be will.

    Other than that it sounds good to me. :secret:
     
  5. jeffie7

    jeffie7 Wrong Whole! VIP

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    how the hell did I miss well? "Im going to look at my hand writtin paper and see if I did that... nope I wrote it will but when I retyped it I did well... doh!

    There's still some other spelling errors as with 1 too many commas.
     
  6. La_Pieuvre

    La_Pieuvre Senior Member

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    whether
     
  7. La_Pieuvre

    La_Pieuvre Senior Member

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    accepted
     
  8. La_Pieuvre

    La_Pieuvre Senior Member

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    Although or however.... pick one. Don't put both in the same sentence.
     
  9. jeffie7

    jeffie7 Wrong Whole! VIP

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    =)

    now we're getting somewhere =)
     
  10. 97CTR

    97CTR Senior Member

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    nitpick not nicpick
     
  11. xj0hnx

    xj0hnx I wanna be sedated VIP

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    Police officer, fireman, and paramedic are not proper names so you don't capitalize them.
     
  12. brian11to1

    brian11to1 Senior Member

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    1. Don't spell numbers out that are above 10... so in other words 1-9 are spelled, 10-a bajillion are not. Simply put, type Sept. 11th.

    2. Change "is" to "are". EXAMPLE - "Another thing I really like about the police, fire and being a paramedic are the benefits each have to offer."

    3. Change entire context to something like: "A major bonus of working as an officer, fireman or a paramedic would be the benefits each offer."

    4. Don't guess in a research paper, guesses and research papers dont mix.

    5. In order to be accepted in the city operated positions I will first need to obtain my GED, then to further my education I'm considering taking a few college level courses.

    6. merged with #5

    7. Looking outward I see myself saving countless lives, being a hero in on of the career paths I've mentioned.


    I dont know you Jeffie, but good luck.
     
  13. CFweave

    CFweave Member

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    Combine these. You should always put your thesis statement in your intro paragraph. And I would rewrite it like this:

    In the next few years, I would like to become a police officer, fireman or paramedic. I have always wanted to help other people. As a police officer, I could reduce crime by aprehending criminals. As a fireman, I could help people out of dangerous situations, such as burning buildings, or disasters, such as September eleventh. As a paramedic, I could save lives by responding to accidents and emergencies.

    Paragraph 2 should expand on becoming a cop...paragraph 3 should be about becoming a fireman...4 should be about becoming a paramedic...5 should conclude it. Make sure you clearly explain why this is important to you...the essay is no good if you don't answer the question.

    Also, you need to work on spelling, grammar and punctuation. Just take your time and you shouldn't make as many mistakes. It helps to read it out loud to see if it sounds right.

    I hope this helps.
     
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