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Norris the chuck.......... Not samiches!

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by DESPAIN, Mar 10, 2010.

  1. DESPAIN

    DESPAIN yep....mmhhm.......yep...

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    Happy 70th b-day to charlie norris........aka chuck norris....... Instant winner for the chuck norris samich......... Its got kick?
     
  2. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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    :bday:
     
  3. D16Civic

    D16Civic Matt

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    lol @ the thread title
     
  4. klyph

    klyph Dismember VIP

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    On April 26, 1986, after a private meeting between Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev, Chuck Norris was briefed by the President on Russia's explicit denial that a being such as Chuck Norris existed. In pure rage, Chuck Norris swam the Pacific, trekked across the Russian tundra barefoot and single-handedly destroyed an entire town. Overcome by shame, the Russians renamed it Chernobyl.

    While riding the elevator, Chuck Norris never pushes the button, the elevator better just know what floor Chuck Norris needs to be on.

    Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

    Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

    Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorize that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big c**k theory of space-time".

    As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

    If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down.

    A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

    When in Rome, Chuck Norris does whatever the f**k he wants. This goes for everywhere else, too.

    They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take s**t from anybody.

    Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

    Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

    If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.

    When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

    Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

    Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

    At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

    Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

    Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

    When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

    Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

    A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

    Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

    Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

    According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

    The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

    Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

    Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

    Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

    Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

    Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

    The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

    Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

    Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

    Helen Keller is an example of someone Chuck Norris let off easy.

    Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

    Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.

    Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the f**k he wants.

    Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

    Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

    Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

    A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.

    Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**king Indian.

    Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

    Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet.

    Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

    A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.

    It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

    Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

    One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

    Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

    Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

    Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

    Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

    Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

    Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

    There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

    Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”

    Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

    On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

    Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can s**t on the ceiling.

    Chuck Norris knows a wrong way to eat a Reeses.

    Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

    Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

    Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

    Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

    If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

    Newton's fourth law of physics: Don't f**k with Chuck Norris.

    When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.
     
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  5. DESPAIN

    DESPAIN yep....mmhhm.......yep...

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  6. Briansol

    Briansol Admins Admin VIP

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    70.... and he could still kick most ..... ok all.... of our asses
     
  7. phunky.buddha

    phunky.buddha Admin with a big stick Admin VIP

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  8. kelsodeez

    kelsodeez New Member

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    i dunno man, i was born on the same day and at the same hospital that bruce lee died and bruce lee could kick charlie noris's ass no problem. you could say i am the reincarnation of the dragon.
     
  9. Hondadude141

    Hondadude141 ¿pɐǝɥ ɹn ɥʇıʍ uıop nɥɔʇɐʍ

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    Pic = Fail.

    Now its up to you to figure out why.
     
  10. klyph

    klyph Dismember VIP

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    He did a yahoo image search and linked to the thumbnail.

    -1 Internets for Despain.
     
  11. kelsodeez

    kelsodeez New Member

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    ive been waiting for a reason to use this
    [​IMG]
     
  12. phunky.buddha

    phunky.buddha Admin with a big stick Admin VIP

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    Easy. It's a Big Mac. Or maybe it's referring to the "ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one" line.
     
  13. CAFROG

    CAFROG Honda Minion VIP

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    My dad likes to call him Kick-a-Toupe!! He has a hair club for Men thing going in Walker Texas Ranger

    Mt students think he is the man. Kinda confused me at first but heard all the jokes about his raw toughness. They even have folders with his jokes on them at wally world. I bought a few and used them as bait (AKA reinforcement treats)
     
  14. Capt. Orygun

    Capt. Orygun Win the Day

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    I know the whole pic doesn't fit, and that it's a Big Mac, but I haven't laughed that hard in awhile...
     
  15. Capt. Orygun

    Capt. Orygun Win the Day

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  16. DarkHand

    DarkHand Senior Member VIP

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    Somewhere on the internets, vettekid12 is crying a single tear and wondering where he went wrong.
     
  17. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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  18. hondarin

    hondarin Please enter a value using 50 characters or fewer. VIP

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    Happy Birthday Carlos!
     
  19. DESPAIN

    DESPAIN yep....mmhhm.......yep...

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    :ph34r:
    "dragon" lil kids into the bushes" is hardly the same as "THE DRAGON"

    lol jk!!!;)
     
  20. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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