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Poetry?

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by |Chaz|, Oct 1, 2009.

  1. |Chaz|

    |Chaz| Well-Known Member VIP

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    Anyone body here ever write poetry? I took a poetry class in college, I enjoy it quite a bit. I don't write often though. I wrote one last night.

    Its pretty rough, but I only spent an hour on it. Questions/comments/suggestions. Let me know what you think of it, what you think it means to me, and what it means to you.

    -The Automobile-
    Chad
    9/30/09

    The automobile started,
    Yawning awake,
    It slid into reverse
    Precariously exiting the garage,
    Easing into first
    Advancing into the rouge red morning
    Dancing rays of light illuminated the snowflake automobile as it meandered off down the clear road,
    The wake scattering newly deceased leaves,
    Around a narrow bend,
    A hitchhiker plods along,
    Light glinting off the face,
    Friendly enough,
    The snowflake automobile jumps into first,
    Tires yelping,
    Second gear is forced violently into its slot,
    Third is tortured similarly,
    Pines blur the windows,
    Corners meld together,
    The canary yellow blips melt into a line,
    Exploding around a curve,
    Then midnight
    A lone pine through the window,
    One blip on the road,
    Glass shatters
    A blood red sunrise
    Shreds of red fabric cling to the shards in the window,
    Blood paints the steering wheel,
    Eyes closed,
    Rays illuminate the interior,
    Breathing awake,
    Glass freckles the carpet,
    The steering wheel is clean,
    The window gapes open-mouthed and bleeding,
    Sliding again into first,
    Rounding past a row of pines,
    Needles attack the air as the automobile sidles away.
     
    1 person likes this.
  2. alEXej8

    alEXej8 New Member

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    It doesnt make much sense, but it seems really disturbing.

    But on a nother note the only poetry I've ever liked is by Robert Frost. Never have had any interest in any other poet.
     
  3. |Chaz|

    |Chaz| Well-Known Member VIP

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    -Protip-

    Not all poems are literal.
     
  4. |Chaz|

    |Chaz| Well-Known Member VIP

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    Well apparently you've got to explain things.

    I wrote this poem, it has to do with Cassie and I being over and me starting over fresh.

    The hitchhiker represents Cassie, the changing pace of the car represents how she changed the pace of my life, the hitchhikers death signifies the swift and definitive ending of the relationship, the disappearing blood on the steering wheel represents that I realized I didn't truly hurt, it was only an illusion, starting out in first gear represented starting over fresh.
     
  5. INJEN78

    INJEN78 HS LEGEND

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    chaz..now your starting to write poetry about her??
    i might be wrong but some other members are going to agree with me.you need to get over her bro,get her out of your mind,you say your over her but your still hurting and angry,im not trying to be a dick,im just trying to help,so no offense,but time to move on man.
     
  6. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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    this thread stands no chance

    [​IMG]
     
  7. reikoshea

    reikoshea HS Troll...And Mod Moderator VIP

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    It's a great starting place Chaz. I like where its going, but the intro needs a bit of work.

    I think the poem really started at about 'Pines blur the windows,'. The reason for that statement is the poem is HEMORRHAGING adjectives. Everyone likes to be able to picture the scene, but there are times when adjective use can be overwhelming and just plain distracting. It seems like you were a little better with your choices towards the end. The greatest challenge in writing poetry is how to use adjectives without being distracting and still getting the right rhythm out of it. You've got a great starting point there. I think with a little work it could be REALLY good.

    Sorry...was an english major at one point in my life and I do love poetry.
     
  8. |Chaz|

    |Chaz| Well-Known Member VIP

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    Thanks for your input reikoshea. Its cool you were an english major. I've taken one poetry class and did not so great. I enjoy writing poetry though. I knew it was a rough poem (given I wrote it in under an hour), I just didn't know what exactly the problem areas were.

    Injen, its not about her. Its about me. Its about starting fresh and moving on.
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2009
  9. 95b16coupe

    95b16coupe New Member

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    i used to a long time ago. did music and songs too. play with it for a bit, then work with some brainstorming and outline techniques. it will really improve the writing.
     
  10. DarkHand

    DarkHand Senior Member VIP

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    The only poems I've ever written all somehow ended up being based on the rhythm of 'The Night Before Christmas'. :confused: For some reason it's easy for me to write in that way. :)

    Here's the last one I did, a 2006 Christmas present for the RPR forum. About a guy in a crappy Saturn who steals the RPR servers, and Christmas redemption! Don't think I ever posted it here... Pardon all the RPR-specific inside jokes. :)

     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2009
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  11. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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  12. jeffie7

    jeffie7 Wrong Whole! VIP

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    here I sit broken hearted, paid 5 bucks and got aids from the whore.

    I guess I'm not good at these kind of things.
     
  13. DarkHand

    DarkHand Senior Member VIP

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    I am so putting all that on a bathroom stall somewhere just like that.
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2009
  14. |Chaz|

    |Chaz| Well-Known Member VIP

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    Poetry isn't about ryhmes. Poetry is about emotion.
     
  15. jeffie7

    jeffie7 Wrong Whole! VIP

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    Aids will give you emotion. that's for sure!
     
  16. double0Si

    double0Si ლ(ಠ益ಠლ) VIP

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    There, now it rhymes.
     
  17. |Chaz|

    |Chaz| Well-Known Member VIP

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  18. efhondakid

    efhondakid My name is Byron. VIP

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    Legit poem. :thumbsup:
     
  19. dacheat

    dacheat ..is grounded.

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    i liked it quite a bit chaz, great work -- particularly for just tossing something together. writing is cathartic - a great exercise to exorcise our demons, keep it up.

    :thumbsup:

    if you're up for some critical analysis keep reading...



    i'd suggest making the whole thing present tense - switching between past/present kills the momentum. and you may find that other words sound better to you when you read it aloud. i got hung up on 'precariously' and 'deceased' and 'plods.'

    poems are like picture frames for words - the words you choose are like the colors in your palette. the way you use words paints a picture, and can convey energy, momentum, and emotion as well. word choice in poetry is completely key - there is usually only one word that will 100% communicate the exact feeling or idea you want - get your idea down on paper, and then take the time to find those words that make the poem *true* because it is the poem that rings true that is remembered and respected.

    you can ditch a lot of "the" and "a" too - it's a poem, not a novel, and you don't need the filler diluting the power of the rest of the work.

    also, the steering wheel goes from bloody to clean - this was another momentum killer for me because the rational mind enters and wonders how that is possible before i finish the poem.
     
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