The Post Office was looking for someone to reply to childrens' letters
to Santa so I applied for the job to earn a few extra dollars for
Christmas presents. I had to take a test, coming up with responses
to some of the letters they'd received. I didn't get the job:
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna
torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what
to do with.
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career bagging groceries. How
about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can
spell!
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom who constantly nags him to death? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set
you up with a Malibu Barbie.
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
scotch.
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the assets of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know!
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in
whatever you do. Maybe you & BiLLy should be Frends.
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that stuff
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark, first, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your butt whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you
live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad
just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
- Sweet Dreams, Santa
to Santa so I applied for the job to earn a few extra dollars for
Christmas presents. I had to take a test, coming up with responses
to some of the letters they'd received. I didn't get the job:
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna
torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what
to do with.
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career bagging groceries. How
about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can
spell!
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom who constantly nags him to death? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set
you up with a Malibu Barbie.
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
scotch.
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the assets of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know!
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in
whatever you do. Maybe you & BiLLy should be Frends.
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that stuff
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
- Santa
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark, first, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your butt whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you
live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad
just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
- Sweet Dreams, Santa
Good find.