Questioning life

[serrilion]

Hey

My advice is get involved in a club that suits you. I got involved in an auto x club awhile ago and believe it or not it has helped my marriage. I actully have something I can do. I would be happy your not with the girl anymore ect ect as it sounded like she really got into your head. My father gave me advice along time ago, at 1st it was a joke but he was serious lol... "if its got tits or tires its going to let you down one day" Just remember to keep yea head up as there are better tits and tires. As for the Dept keep plugging away, when you are Dept free trust me, it brings tears to your eyes knowning you are.

PM me if ya want a cell # or Email address... I'm up for 1st and 3rd shift normally and I always wake up to my cell ringing

cheers!

 

[JermBizzle]

Thanks for the reply. I'm not necessarily glad that we're apart, I felt like we had a great thing going, but maybe you guys see something that I don't.

Ran into one of these dumb things earlier and it unfortunately got me thinking about the little things we always did for each other...had lots of fun

http://pulptastic.com/24-real-life-habits-actual-couples/

 

[serrilion]

I think what we see, is a girl who ya loved alot and liked. You guys as wholes clicked well, and when her kids came into the picture and were 1st in her mind that put a damper on ya spirts. Ya broke up and not long after she got with another guy. Most of us see that as a Red Flag as she was wantting a man to help her take care of her children & herself. She was ready to settle with a family, from what you explain you were not quite ready. There is nothing wrong with being honest. Its the best thing you probably could have done. This is just my opion and it may or may not be right, just what i see from my view point. I think that you will find another one, as love always tends to find u when u are not looking

 

[JermBizzle]

Makes perfect sense, thanks for explaining. She said she wasn't looking when I guess he found her, said that she still wanted me. He has a kid apparently so I'm sure that made it easier. I'm happy for her, it just hurts a lot still.

 

[serrilion]

Yea, similar situation never wanted to get married and never wanted kids... well im married with 2 kids lol. We have thought about going different ways. But Money issues and love I can relate. There will be the one person ya will come across... My Buddie met his wife 2 years ago, he's almost 40. They happen to meet at a yoga class reliving stress of passed relationships... odd things happen to good people.

 

[invisibledemon]

my rule is this:
If i ever get to the point, that im ready and willing to end it. i will sell what can be sold quickly, get whatever funds i can scrape together, pack only what will fit into a backpack and leave. go to the nearest airport and buy a ticket.
if you're ready to off yourself, then at that point any debt you have becomes nothing to you, any ties you have to anything (job, people, etc.) are nothing. if you were ready to end it, then all of that would be over anyway.
its like suicide, except you still get to live, and most likely would result in you actually living.

 

[99sidude]

Man it sucks to read this. I hope you figure it out in a positive manner. Getting shitfaced, plowing hoes, and WoW binges are all bandaids to your situation that will eventually fail.

Step 1 is to surround yourself with positive people. Someone mentioned volunteering. That is a great idea. I used to do that in college, and I never met one person there that was a downer. I taught robotics at an inner city middle school, and it felt great seeing poor kids from the hood learning something. Not to mention there were plenty of hot recent college grad teachers at the school. I need to get back into it. Someone else mentioned dating websites. Get on one of the free ones and start messaging bitches. There are tons of nice people in similar shitty circumstances. You have nothing to lose by getting on there.

 

[JermBizzle]

I'm skeptical about the dating sites lol...but I may do it. I've got 3 days off after tomorrow with no plans, so maybe I'll do that.

@invisibledemon Thats a pretty genius idea, I just couldn't leave someone else (parents I guess) to get hassled about the debt I created myself, whether its from surgeries I had no choice on, cc's, car pmt's, etc. I love the idea though, I'd love to see Ireland.

 

[invisibledemon]

well, just keep that in mind, if you arent willing to jet and leave the debt to fall on whoever, then ending it accomplishes the same thing.
also, if they didnt cosign, dont think theres much they would have to catch. if they did, maybe try to get rid of that first, then hit up ireland.
careful though, i hear thats where gingers come from.....

 

[JermBizzle]

Good point, no co-signers for me thank god.

And I'm all about some gingers

 

[JermBizzle]

I've determined that days off are much harder than days when I work...

 

[E_SolSi]

of course
days you work you have a forced distraction to keep you from dwelling on it
days off you have all the free time in the world to think about it

keep yourself busy... preferably with activities to better yourself

 

[SlushboxTeggy]

I was in a similar place summer 2008 right after graduating college. Never thought about negative actions, but an ended relationship can bring about the worst kind of depression. Add in being a recent grad who can't find "the Job" that will start the rest of his life, and I was in pretty sorry shape. No one on here, or even my friends truly knew about how deep my depression got. I got similar advice. I'll tell you my experience.

Attempting to "spread my seed" led me down a rabbit hole. I slept with as many girls in 2008 as I did in the 4 years prior combined. Women led to drinking, drinking led to recreation drug use, which led to regular drug use. Nearly all were prescription drugs so I would always tell myself I wasn't that bad. Not like I was doing coke and heroin. But I was also washing them down with bottles of alcohol. There wasn't a pill you could put in front of me that I wouldn't crush up and snort.

One night I'm sitting home alone, enjoying my third or fourth glass of vodka neat. I decided I wanted to snort a little more Zanax mixed with Aderall to really get to that "right" place. Went up to my room and did it. As I'm heading back down the stairs I get a text from a buddy asking if I'm doing anything. I thought about it. I'm drinking vodka like it's got an expiration date, I've done enough drugs to medicate a person for a week, and I'm so out of it, I don't even know what's on TV. And to top it all off, I'm by myself.

Why am I telling you this? So you can realize the same thing I did that night without a year of your life wasted in dangerous behavior. I needed to make myself better. If someone didn't want the recent grad who drank a little too much, who would want the guy staring back at me in the mirror? I flushed my stash. Stopped drinking. I started working out 6 days a week. I read a stack of books. I WENT OUTSIDE. It is truly amazing how good the outdoors can make you feel. And it's free. And you know what I realized a few months into trying to make myself better for someone else? Fuck someone else. I did it for me from then on.

What I learned along the way was that shit is never perfect. Sometimes it sucks more than imaginable. It get's better. It get's worse. But it get's better again. Unless you do something to prevent it. Hell, look at me now? I'm 28, unemployed, I live with my parents, and summer BBQs have brought my belly back. Things will get better. I still make sure I run every day just to get outside. It does more for my mental health than it does for my physical health. Don't like running? Grab a book and go read it in a nearby park.

Just stay positive.

 

[SlushboxTeggy]

Where are you from anyway? If you're anywhere nearby, I'd be glad to show you a few spots that can be fun on the cheap.

 

[JermBizzle]

I'm in East TN...I'd be happy to meet any of you guys who have offered advice within a few hours, even just to say "thank you".

Thanks for all the kind words guys, you really have helped a total stranger. I went for a drive today with a few friends, and she did get on my mind when I saw things I knew she'd love, and a random song came on that we loved listening to...about broke down, but I didn't.

I feel like my depression is worse at work, but I find myself just missing her more when I have a day off...weird. I typed the OP out after getting off work one night, so that would make sense.

 

[Briansol]

Idle hands are the devils tools... or whatever that saying is. Because your mind is done having to process stuff (like what to box/move/whatever you do) it looks for something to do.

I know the feeling of shit. loneliness. It fucking sucks being alone when you've gotten used to always being around someone.

The first time it happened to me, I started digging. Digging turned into a garden. It gave me something to do. It gave me a way to get some exercise. It got me out of the house. And now my backyard is full of food, keeps my busy, outside, and there's positive things that come from it. Neglect it, and it all goes to shit. Spend time on it, and you eat well and feel good about yourself. It's exercise. It's outside. It's time you can be in your own thoughts, but it's also time where you can be a crazy person and talk to your plants. I do... lol I usually say why the fuck are you drooping? fuck you bugs! and things of the sort. lol. It's not too late to start putting in some fall crops like beets, winter squashes, and most stores have their seed at 50% off right now. Ask the fam if you can dig a 10x10 square in the back yard and go to town. You work nights so you got the morning to enjoy the sun before it gets too too hot out too.

I stopped listening to a disc from one of my favorite bands because it reminded me of an ex once. like the phone numbers, throw it out. If you're with friends, tell them fuck this song, it sucks, put on some skynard!

Don't think about things she would love... think about what YOU love. Find new things that you can share with the next person, not the last person.

Whatever desire dominates you the most, is the one that will dominate your choices. There is no “will power.” There is only strength, or weakness, of desire.

Your future is not determined by your past, so long as you don’t continue to live there. For too many, the past IS their present, and their constant companions are the voices and events from yesteryear that haunt every move they make.

did you go through his site yet?
https://www.facebook.com/metalmotivation
so much good shit on there

 

[JermBizzle]

If I ate stuff out of a garden other than tomatoes, that would be a great idea lol. I don't think I look just for things she liked, its just that we both liked and appreciated so many of the same things that it's difficult to not think about.

I'm a big 311 fan, it was this song:

I liked the fb page & watched some of the vids on youtube, guy is good & the quotes are spot on. Thanks again @Briansol

 

[BrutalB83]

Sorry to hear about your situation, man. I'm going to sound like a broken record here, but you really do need to cut the ex out completely. If you want to get over it, you can't be friends, and you can't linger. Don't talk to her, don't stalk her on Facebook or any other social media sites, and get rid of pictures or anything else that reminds you of her. It sounds like you get plenty of unintentional reminders of her, so make things easy on yourself and don't intentionally remind yourself of her.

At this point it may feel like she was the love of your life and you're missing out on it, but honestly I'm not so sure. I was in a similar situation myself. Dated this girl for a long time, loved her, but I just wasn't quite sure about marrying her. I knew she wanted kids, and I was pretty sure that I didn't. Broke up with her instead of proposing, and then started missing her, so we got back together, got engaged, and then got married.

Well guess what? We're not married anymore! We never should have been married. The only reason I went back is because I got lonely. I can see that clearly now. It was never going to work with us long-term, but I had just gotten so used to being with her that I didn't know what to do without her.

I mean, MAYBE this girl is the love of your life, but honestly if you're not on the same level about the kids, then you're never going to be happy enough with her (I say "happy enough" because I don't believe that there are any PERFECT relationships, but I do believe in levels of compatibility). If you were to get back with her, you might be happy for a while just because you have her again and your loneliness will be alleviated, but if you're truly not fine with having children (and it's not like they're going to go away), then you'll eventually start feeling trapped again.

Cut her out completely and focus on other things. And you don't necessarily need to replace her. It's okay to be single. There is good advice in this thread. Since getting divorced in 2012 I've focused on tightening up my finances and I managed to pay off an extra $10,000 in debt this year (on top of my normal monthly payments) and I've challenged myself with a new weight-lifting routine and I've been making decent progress there too.

Challenge yourself with some goals and work towards them. Having things to work toward and focus on outside of just your job will do wonders for you.

Let me know if you'd like to talk. I'm willing.

 

[D16Civic]

Lots of good advice in here. I will just throw in that dealing with kids is tough enough sometimes when they're your kids. Raising someone else's is a whole different ballgame. She will always (correctly I may add) put her kids first. Or at least she should. It makes things that much more challenging in the long run for stepdaddy. A few weeks or months or whenever it happens you will see things more clearly. Hang in there bud.

 

[SlushboxTeggy]

Sorry to hear about your situation, man. I'm going to sound like a broken record here, but you really do need to cut the ex out completely. If you want to get over it, you can't be friends, and you can't linger. Don't talk to her, don't stalk her on Facebook or any other social media sites, and get rid of pictures or anything else that reminds you of her. It sounds like you get plenty of unintentional reminders of her, so make things easy on yourself and don't intentionally remind yourself of her.

This!

I'm "lucky" enough that my last 2 exes (including the one from my story) are in my life whether I like it or not. Lots of my guys friends are dating/engaged/married to lots of their girl friends. They were both at a wedding that I was the best man. Does it suck? Yea. As much as it use to? No. Early on, I avoided events that they would be attending. But ultimately I had to man up and just go. It's gotten to the point that we can be around each other. I still don't go out of my way to talk to either of them, but if we're involved in a group conversation I don't run and hide. All that being said, I'd prefer to just cut them out still. If you have the option to, take it.