It's still funny... "These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey.... Recently i was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the state fair in Texas and was aked to fill in as a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called out sick at the last moment and i happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas Hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldnt be at all spicy, and besides they told me i could have all the free beer i could drink. So i accepted, free beer right?!? Here are the score cards from the event... chili #1 = Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster Chili judge #1; a little to heavy on the tamoato, amuzing kick. judge #2; Nice smooth tomato flavor, very mild. FRANK; Holy shit what the hell is this stuf? you could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me 2 beers to put the flames out. Hope thats the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili #2 = Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge #1; Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno zing. Judge #2; Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously FRANK; Keep this out of reach of children. I dont know what im supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 2 people who wanted to give me the heimlech maneuver. They had to walkie talkie three more beers in when they saw the look on my face. Chili #3 = Fred's Famous Burn Down the House Chili Judge #1; Excellent firehous chili! Great kick needs more beans. Judge #2; A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers FRANK; Call the EPA, i have located a uranium spill. My nose feels like i have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by know. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my spine is in the front part of my chest. Im getting Shit-Faced. Chili #4 = Bubba's Black Magic Judge #1; Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge #2; Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK; I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lbs bitch is starting to look HOT, just like the nuclear waste im eating. Chili #5 = Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge #1; Meaty, strong chili, cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick! Judge #2; Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayene peppers make a strong statement FRANK; My ears are ringing and i can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when i told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it out of the piture. It really pissed me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those hill-billies. Chili #6 = Vera's Very Vegitarian Variety Judge #1; Thin yet bold vegitarian variety. good balance of spice and peppers. Judge #2; The best yet. aggressive use of peppers onions and garlic. superb. FRANK; My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chili #7 = Susan's Screaming Sensations Chili Judge #1; A mediocre chile wiith to much reliance on canned peppers. Judge #2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef litterally just threw a can of chili peppers in at the last moment. I should not that i am worried about Judge number three, he appears to be in a bit of distress and is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK; You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and i wouldnt feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in my right eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match the damn shirt. At least durring the autopsy they will know what killed me. I have decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, im not gettin oxegen anyway. If i need air i will just suck it thru the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8 = Helens Mount Staint Chili Judge #1; A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not to bold but spicy enough to declair its presence. Judge #2; The final entry is a good blanced chili, niether mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge number three passed out, feel and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he is going to make it, poor yank. Frank; ------(editors note; Judge #3 was not avail for comment)"