I got this in an email this morning and thought it was pretty funny. THE TASER A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their Anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th Anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000 volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!!!!!!!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. NOTHING!! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised... AM I WRONG? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glassed perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant. A two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control. A three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds ould be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little debce measuring about 5' long, less that 3/4' in circumference pretty cute really and (loaded with 2 itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, no possible way! What happened next is beyond description, but I'll do my best! I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if To say, 'don't do it dip sh*t', reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little 'ole' thing couldn't possibly hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!..... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to the picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!!!!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand, by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-B****! THAT HURT LIKE HELL! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over my drooling. Apparently I s**t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was coming from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P. S. My wife loved her gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.