Things You Learn From the Movies
Fall 2002
some funnier than others
# A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
# A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
# A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
# Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
# All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
# All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
# All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 55
# All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
# An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
# Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
# Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds. Unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
# Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
# Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
# Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
# During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
# During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
# Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
# Everyone knows the words to every song you want to sing and will sing along with you. They can even carry the solo part so that they can sing the song back to you, even if they have never heard the song until you sang half of it.
# Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one laying around the next time you need one.
# Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
# If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -- even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
# If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
# If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
# If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
# If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade at any time of the year.If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath. Even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
Fall 2002
some funnier than others
# A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
# A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
# A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
# Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
# All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
# All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
# All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 55
# All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
# An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
# Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
# Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds. Unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
# Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
# Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
# Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
# During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
# During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
# Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
# Everyone knows the words to every song you want to sing and will sing along with you. They can even carry the solo part so that they can sing the song back to you, even if they have never heard the song until you sang half of it.
# Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one laying around the next time you need one.
# Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
# If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -- even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
# If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
# If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
# If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
# If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade at any time of the year.If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath. Even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
