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todays crappy jokes...

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by reckedracing, Aug 23, 2005.

  1. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    Joke 1
    A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

    A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

    A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

    The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

    A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"


    Joke 2
    This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

    Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

    Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

    Again the guy interrupts.

    Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

    Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

    The guy slumps, just crushed.

    Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

    The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

    Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

    By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

    The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."
     
  2. Battle Pope

    Battle Pope New Member

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    That second one was fuckin dumb. The first one was pretty good tho.
     
  3. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

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  4. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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    i liked the second one :) thats some cruel shit :lmao:
     
  5. phyregod

    phyregod !!YTINASNI

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    This month's MAXIM $200 joke:


    A medieval knight dreams of nuzzling the queen's breasts and tells his friend, the royal physician. The physician explains that he can make that happen, but will cost the knight $1000. The knight agrees.

    The Next day, the physician pours itching powder into the queen's bra. She comes to him for help, and he tells her that the only cure is the knight's saliva. The physician slips the antidote into the knight's mouth, and he spends hours licking the queen's chest.

    Afterward, the physician asks the knight for his payment, but the knight refuses. A day later, the knight gets word that the king would like to see him.

    "What did you tell the king?" the knight asks the doctor upon arriving at the castle.

    "Nothing about you and the queen," the physician says. "Just that I knew how he could soothe a rash on his balls."
     
  6. Battle Pope

    Battle Pope New Member

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    haaaaahahaha that's a good one!
     
  7. Slammed90Lude

    Slammed90Lude Senior Member

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    I like the first two fo sho- The second one is cruel, fucked up and fucking hilarious
     
  8. PhyRe

    PhyRe Senior Member

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    all good ones.

    why did helen kellars dog run away?

    -he didnt like being called Aarrheeeg.

    why was helen kellars belly button black and blue?

    -her boyfriend was dumb and blind too.
     
  9. dveit

    dveit Well-Known Member VIP

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    All funny! :lmao:

    :bo:
     
  10. ScrapinSi

    ScrapinSi Senior Member

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    they did a version of the 2nd joke on family guy... Was funnier on the tv show... :)
     
  11. Battle Pope

    Battle Pope New Member

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    do you happen to remember which episode it was in?
     
  12. CiViC_SOHC

    CiViC_SOHC Senior Member

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    wow those are pretty damn funny.....
     
  13. ScrapinSi

    ScrapinSi Senior Member

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    Episode Title: Don't Make Me Over

    Peter - I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You're gonna have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her for the rest of your life.
    Guy - OH MY GOD!
    Peter - No no no, I'm just kiddin. She's dead.
     
  14. Battle Pope

    Battle Pope New Member

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    Ohhh. I'm gonna have to watch that one when I get my brother's DVDs ripped.
     
  15. ScrapinSi

    ScrapinSi Senior Member

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    dont make me over is season 4... not on dvd yet... I have seasons 1-3 on dvd. :)
     
  16. Battle Pope

    Battle Pope New Member

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    Oh, really? I ah... "acquired" mpegs of all 10 episodes of season 4 thus far, so I guess I do have it.
     
  17. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    lol, nice

    and i remember seeing this one...
     
  18. mozzandherb

    mozzandherb Senior Member

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    Your mama joke.

    Your mom's so fat that after sex she smokes a turkey
     
  19. mozzandherb

    mozzandherb Senior Member

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    So these two aliens land on earth and end up at a gas station. The one big alien goes straight to the gas pump thinking it can provide him with some information. The big alien asks the pump in a serious voice "take me to your leader or I will shoot you" Of course the pump doesn't answer and the smaller alien says to the bigger one "leave him alone man, that's one bad motherfucker". Ignoring the smaller alien the bigger one asks again "take me to your leader or I will destroy you". Once again the pump doesn't answer and the smaller alien tells his friend again "leave him alone man, he's one bad dude". Again the big alien ignores the smaller one. So the bigger alien says to the pump "I'll give you until 3 and if you don't take me to your leader I'm gonna shoot you". Time passes and the big alien counts "3...2...1" and shoots the gas pump. KABOOM! A huge explosion, the two aliens go flying. Unhurt they both get up and the big alien says to the smaller alien "that was one bad motherfucker! How did you know?" The smaller alien replies back "anyone who can wrap their dick around their head 3 times and stick it in their ear must be one bad motherfucker"
     
  20. ripperbone

    ripperbone angry bear

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    :bo: that one was good
     
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