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Todays Joke

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by reckedracing, Dec 8, 2005.

  1. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    Man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, And asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
    The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

    The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.
    Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man Standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half"

    Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way You got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. "Where are you from, son?"

    "Wales, sir," the boy replied.
    "Well, why did you leave Wales?" the manager asked.
    The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and Rugby Players back home."

    "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Wales."

    "No shit?!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?

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    A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counselling.
    The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
    The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
    "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
    So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
    "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
    "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex?
    Can we finally have sex?"
    "Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"
    "What about different positions?" asks the man?
    "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
    "Woman on top?" the man asks.
    "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
    "Doggy style?"
    "Sure! Another mitzvah!"
    "On the kitchen table?"
    "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
    "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
    "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
    "Can we do it standing up?"
    "No." says the rabbi.
    "Why not?" asks the man.
    "Could lead to dancing."

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    1. It is important to find a woman who cooks, cleans up and has a good job.

    2. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.

    3. It is important to find a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

    4. It is important to find a woman who is great in bed and who likes to be with you.

    5. It is vitally important that these four women don't know each other.
     
  2. EGProject

    EGProject YEEEEAAHHHHH

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    Thought the first one was gonna be a corny produce joke - then I read on - not bad. Second one is too...Jewish.
     
  3. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

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    1st one was good.
    2nd was kinda lame ...
     
  4. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting! in a bar.

    A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

    The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

    So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"
    Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

    And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

    Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million

    Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
    The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

    Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".
     
  5. Xaero3953

    Xaero3953 Senior Member

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  6. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

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    thats a good one. hehe
     
  7. StealthMode

    StealthMode Kung Foolin'

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    [​IMG] to the original first.
    [​IMG] to the second
    [​IMG] to the third
    [​IMG] to the Bush and Rumsfeld
     
  8. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

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    i heard that one in reference to a second holocaust.
    First guy-i want to kill six million more jews, and one fucking clown.
    you know the rest........
     
  9. EGProject

    EGProject YEEEEAAHHHHH

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    Why are melons concerned with marital issues?



































    Because they cant-elope.

    Bad, I know.
     
  10. BigJ

    BigJ I'm just about that action Boss. VIP

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    Reckedracing....GJ :thumbsup:

    Those all had me chuckling!
     
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