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Today's Lame Joke

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by reckedracing, Dec 28, 2012.

  1. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    Jack comes home drunk. The next morning he wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party, as bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table, and, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed, he looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
    He takes the aspirins, then cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
    Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favourite dinner tonight, I love you, darling! Love, Jillian".
    He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper all waiting for him.
    His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks "Son… what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door".
    Confused, he asked his son "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies "Oh THAT! Well, mum dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed "Leave me alone I'm married!!"
     
  2. double0Si

    double0Si ლ(ಠ益ಠლ) VIP

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    :wheelchair:
     
  3. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough". "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
    Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts "I'll take care of this!"
    She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there! We'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas... and they're paying their own way".
     
  4. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas".
    Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did".
    His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.64". The boss says "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
    Kid says "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer".
    The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said 'Well, your weekends fucked, you might as well go fishing'".
     
  5. BigJ

    BigJ I'm just about that action Boss. VIP

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