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Todays Lame Jokes

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by reckedracing, Mar 4, 2011.

  1. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
    Marry It!


    What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A battery has a positive side.


    What are the three fastest means of communication?
    1) Television

    2) Telephone
    3) Telawoman


    What should you give a woman who has everything?
    A man to show her how to work it.


    Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
    Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..


    How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
    Put a nipple on it.


    Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
    Because they don't have balls to scratch.


    Why do women fake orgasms ?
    Because they think men care.


    What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
    Nothing, she's been told twice already.


    If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
    Made her chain too long


    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.


    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'


    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


    Why do men pass gas more than women?

    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

    A woman who won't do what she's told


    I married a Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always..


    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
    It's called a Wedding Cake.


    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.


    Women will never be equal to men..
    until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

     
  2. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

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    Got a few good chuckles out of me.
     
  3. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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    :lmao:

    god those are old
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    whats up?
    hard dicks and airplanes
    (courtesy some fucker in TN on black-ops)
     
  5. Nykole0408

    Nykole0408 New Member

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    "Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at thefront door, who do you let in first ? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in." These two were funny lol
     
  6. hondafreak513

    hondafreak513 New Member

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  7. Jeef

    Jeef NO MA'AM Moderator VIP

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    This just in, according to new scientific research scientist have discovered that women are allergic to gold. When they get a wedding ring they gain 15 pounds.
     
  8. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    15.....
    nigga please
    maybe if they were 50 lbs to begin with
     
  9. Briansol

    Briansol Admins Admin VIP

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    auschwitz diet FTW!
     
  10. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    How do you know when a woman is to fat to fuck? You get her panties down to her knees and her cunt is still in them.


    A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls..."
     
  11. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."

    A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
     
  12. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    lol
     

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  13. hondasaurus

    hondasaurus Member

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    funny wrecked.

    why is divorce so expensive?
    cause it's worth it.

    how do you know your wife is dead?
    the sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

    this guy is walking down the street and comes upon 2 caskets and a huge line. he asks someone what's going on.
    "my dog mauled and killed my wife then my mother in law."
    "what is this line for?"
    "these guys wanna borrow my dog"

    what's the hardest thing about roller blading?
    teller your parents you're gay
     
  14. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    I don't usually get stage fright, but the guy using the urinal next to mine keeps staring at me. I'll never be able to sh*t now.

    I don't understand why people are so amazed when i say my grandfather survived Auschwitz. Most german officers did.
     
  15. invisibledemon

    invisibledemon Bored Moderator VIP

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  16. Briansol

    Briansol Admins Admin VIP

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    lol
    E won't like this one...
     
  17. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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  18. Briansol

    Briansol Admins Admin VIP

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    it's ok dude. we can still be friends. i have a couple gay friends.
     
  19. hondasaurus

    hondasaurus Member

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    why don't soccer players wear cups?
    because they don't need them

    i don't mean to be condescending, that means talking down to you
     
  20. Nykole0408

    Nykole0408 New Member

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    I'm a chick- and this one made me giggle. Funny.
     
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