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Tool descriptions.

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by Loco Honkey, Aug 3, 2003.

  1. Loco Honkey

    Loco Honkey Banned

    Likes Received:
    Jun 5, 2003
    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
    as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
    we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
    cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
    containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
    holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
    holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
    you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
    can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
    objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
    brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
    motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
    socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
    bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
    your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
    you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
    the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
    hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you
    have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle
    firmly under the front fender.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a
    hydraulic jack.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
    floor jack.

    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
    mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
    ten times harder than any known drill bit.

    TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

    TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
    of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
    the handle.

    BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid
    a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your
    battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.

    METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
    light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
    otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main
    purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
    howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle
    of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
    paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
    name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter
    removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
    plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
    hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
    tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

    PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
    needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
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