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what do you guys think. Poem.

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by invisibledemon, Sep 3, 2007.

  1. invisibledemon

    invisibledemon Bored Moderator VIP

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    well i wrote this, kinda want some feedback on it. plus im bored and just wonder if its any good in other proples opinions. i like it, what do you think. its part 1 of three. im bored....

    My Addiction.



    My addiction is painful
    It has taken me by storm
    All i can think about is my drug.
    Its going to be a long personal war.

    My beautiful white pony
    So unforgiving
    Relentless of releasing my thoughts
    Beause you cant see me

    Without you
    Im not the person i should be
    Im shaking with affliction
    You are so entirely beautiful
    You are the cocain to my addiction.

    Dillusions of thoughts that couldve been
    painful mistakes that never end
    Dirty needles i feel piercing my skin
    I cant get my fix at the days end
    You are the heroin to my addiction.

    Hallucinations of things I want to see
    Only to realize that they werent for me
    Your face i want to hold so close to me
    This is just a bad trip I think,
    You are the ecstasy to my addiction.

    Paranoia sets in so easily
    Insomnia destroys my rest and sleep
    Anxiety kills whats left of me.
    Only you can do this so easily.
    You are my addiction, my methamphetamine.

    My body is numb all day
    False euphoria comes to play
    nothing will sedate my minds prolation
    You are the only pill i want to take
    You are the vicodin to my addiction

    High doses of energy
    Extreme bouts of hostility
    These thoughts are like siezures when free'd
    Look what you have done to me
    You are my addiction, my dexedrine.

    My mind begins to blur what i see
    My body sways so easily
    I fall on my face for all to see
    Only you can truly help me
    You are the aclohol to my addiction

    This physical pain
    I believe i feel but is unseen
    Because its not really there
    You can fix this
    In my Addiction you are to be my morphine.

    Im completely addicted.
    Theres nothing I can do
    These symptoms that stay
    They just wont go away
     
  2. boostedf22

    boostedf22 dis is why im not

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    didnt read it

    Good job !! You got my pat on the back
     
  3. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

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  4. eg6sir

    eg6sir Supa Mod Moderator VIP

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    you need to spell check that.. got about half way.. not bad
     
  5. StealthMode

    StealthMode Kung Foolin'

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    Not too bad. You started on a certain pattern and then when the words got too long, you just added them in without playing with your sentence structure. If you want to get a better flow or 'meter' then go nuts with a thesaurus and see what you can come up with. But not bad. :thumbsup:
     
  6. Celerity

    Celerity Well-Known Member

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    It's ok.. I completely agree with stealthmode..



    "Im completely addicted.
    Theres nothing I can do
    These symptoms that stay
    They just wont go away
    __________________
    91 Civic Si(R)
    Full Molded Body Kit
    Custom Orange Paint
    B16a Swap
    Ek Cluster Swap
    DC Sports 4-1 Header"

    These proses have nothing to do with each other.
     
  7. Citizen_Insane

    Citizen_Insane Senior Member

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    Wait, so you're addicted to all those drugs? Damn, that's not too good for your liver.
     
  8. klyph

    klyph Dismember VIP

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    You should have done more drugs before writing this poem. Maybe do a new drug before writing each verse. That way it would get progressively more interesting.
     
  9. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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    its worked for countless artists through the years



     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2007
  10. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

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  11. phyregod

    phyregod !!YTINASNI

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    Stop it, stupid!

    Done.
     
  12. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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    its actually Bill Hicks

    its from his album "Relentless"
    but its probably more popular from the Tool Ænima album where it is played right before the song Third Eye
     
  13. klyph

    klyph Dismember VIP

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    How the hell did you manage to type Æ?
     
  14. totalburnout

    totalburnout Well-Known Member VIP

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    ascii code.

    àåçêëèï¢Üÿ£ƒ₧¥ó

    Hit alt and then type on the number pad. Theres charts on the internet to figure out what number combinations produce which symbols.


    As for the poem, I think it was really good. If I put so much hard work into a poem, I would want to tweak the sentence structure and remove words that rhyme only in certain portions of the poem. Its difficult to construct a poem that only rhymes in certain sections and doesn't carry a uniform structure.
     
  15. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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    i did it the same way you did
     
  16. ScrapinSi

    ScrapinSi Senior Member

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    Somebody needs to put down the crack pipe.
     
  17. Celerity

    Celerity Well-Known Member

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    æ , Æ = Alt+ 145 and 146.
     
  18. invisibledemon

    invisibledemon Bored Moderator VIP

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    :bo:

    thanks, exactly what i was looking for.

    you missed the point.

    i dont do drugs. havnt since i was 14. good long time ago.


    and thats about the only drug i havnt done in my life.




    i appreciate the input, my friends like my poetry but none can tell me whats wrong with them. constructive criticism.

    thanks.
     
  19. Black Widow g2

    Black Widow g2 *princess*

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    I like it because it speaks above what the 'actual' topic looks to be. Drugs. It's not about them at all and I can see that... to a point. You related to closely, making it seem a bit proper. Sentence structure and wording (as in, use different or more enhanced words) needs a bit of work, but poetry in a raw sense is never 'incorrect.' In fact, I usually don't edit anything of mine to leave the original thoughts intact. All I think it really needs is different or more descriptive words instead of repeating some.

    I'd like to see what you have to say about one I still love. I wrote this when I was 13.

    focused on midnight glances...
    from far across the sky...
    i thought it time to take my chances...
    before my life did pass me by...
    chasing you amid the moonlight...
    through hot summers and winter's rain...
    i looked only to find you out of sight...
    a matter of time before the searing pain...
    i have nowhere to run...
    without you to guide me...
    so far from the sun...
    so dark i cannot see...
    where did you go?...
    and why so far?...
    so i could not follow...
    to be with you where you are...
    you've lost your way...
    but i will find you...
    it's alright to stray...
    but ignoring me was cruel...
    now that you're not around...
    i found my own way out...
    climbed out from underground...
    don't need you anymore, no doubt...
    i had nowhere to run...
    without you to guide me...
    i was so far from the sun...
    that i could not see...
    where did you go?...
    you went so far...
    i don't need to follow...
    don't wanna be where you are...
    i'll never forget what you did for me...
    alone in my thoughts i found my soul...
    let me out when i couldn't breathe...
    alone no more, myself, i'm whole...

    pardon the dots, please. :D
     
  20. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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    heres one i read on a bathroom wall years ago:

    Here I sit
    Broken hearted
    Tried to shit
    But only farted
    Later on
    I took a chance
    Tried to fart
    And shit my pants
     
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