If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw forget you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.
-Jack Handy
