Jokes Of The Day?

B16RacerN2NR

Working Hard
VIP
No one has posted any jokes recently so I decided to and realized it would be my 1000TH Post! :toot: :toot: :thankyou2:

Different Perspective:
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.''

The groom replies, ''I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.''

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.''

The bride replies ''I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.''


Confession:
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."
The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in."


Little Girl In Barber Shop:
A little girl accompanied her father to the barbershop. While her dad received a haircut, the little girl stood next to the barber chair, enjoying a snack cake.
The barber smiled at her and said, “Sweetheart, you’re going to get hair on your Twinkie.”

“I know,” the little girl replied. “I’m gonna get tits, too.”


Mother-In-Law:
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


A Bunch Of Oxymorons:
Good Grief
Same Difference
Almost Exactly
Government Organization
Everything Except
Civil War
Sanitary Landfill
Alone Together
Legally Drunk
Silent Scream
British Fashion
Living Dead
Small Crowd
Business Ethics
Soft Rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software Documentation
New York Culture
New Classic
Sweet Sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then"
Synthetic Natural Gas
Christian Scientists
Passive Aggressive
Taped Live
Clearly Misunderstood
Peace Force
Extinct Life
Temporary Tax Increase
Computer Jock
Plastic Glasses
Terribly Pleased
Computer Security
Political Science
Tight Slacks
Definite Maybe
Pretty Ugly
Twelve-Ounce Pound Cake
Diet Ice Cream
Working Vacation
Exact Estimate
Religious Tolerance
Freezer Burn
Honest Politician
Jumbo Shrimp
Loners Club
Postal Service
Act Natural
Happily Married
Microsoft Works
Holy War
Found Missing
Resident Alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine Imitation
Airline Food
 

Battle Pope

Well-Known Member
Originally posted by B16RacerN2NR@Jun 12 2005, 12:12 AM
...
Christian Scientists
...
Political Science
...
Religious Tolerance
[post=511313]Quoted post[/post]​


Don't get me started! :lol:
 

reckedracing

TTIWWOP
VIP
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he`s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy`s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn`t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don`t resist, don`t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he`ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn`t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 

B16RacerN2NR

Working Hard
VIP
Originally posted by reckedracing@Jun 13 2005, 10:45 AM
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he`s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy`s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn`t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don`t resist, don`t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he`ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn`t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
[post=511655]Quoted post[/post]​

you told that one already didn't you? still funny as hell tho lol
 

reckedracing

TTIWWOP
VIP
wha?

 

totalburnout

Well-Known Member
VIP
Originally posted by reckedracing@Jun 13 2005, 10:45 AM
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he`s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy`s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn`t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don`t resist, don`t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he`ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn`t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
[post=511655]Quoted post[/post]​


That made Maxim like 3 times in the past two years.
 

posol

RETIRED
Staff member
[email protected] the black guy smiling... and you can't see him till you lighten the pic. lol

there was a nother one like that... i think it was a prom pic of some sort... you could see his date, but you couldn't see him. funny shit.
 

reckedracing

TTIWWOP
VIP
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn`t remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I`m really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can`t keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky. "I don`t remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" "No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I`m your son`s second grade teacher!"
 

sohcslammer

Senior Member
Originally posted by reckedracing@Jun 14 2005, 10:06 AM
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn`t remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I`m really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can`t keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky. "I don`t remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" "No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I`m your son`s second grade teacher!"

[post=512003]Quoted post[/post]​

:bo: Holy fuck that is funny!
 
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