Questioning life

[JermBizzle]

Long time no see guys... I'm posting here since I'm pretty sure I don't personally know anyone.

So I'm having some trouble out of life right now, and I've been having some thoughts negative enough to make me feel like I should be talking to someone about it. Only issue is that I don't have many close friends that I trust enough to open myself up to.

I was in a relationship for a couple years with a woman, and she had 3 kids. Going into it, it was no secret that I didn't want kids, but our relationship & connection grew so strong that I decided it was worth it and met the kids, and eventually moved in with them.

That lasted around a year, was great for the most part, but in the end I decided it wasn't what I wanted. We've been apart for about 8 months now.

Time away from her made me realize that she was the one for me, but I don't know how I could have made it work with the kids. Hearing that she recently got engaged has really awoken jealousy in me, and also made me miss her even more.

I now feel completely lost in life and feel like I've had and missed the reason I was put on this Earth, to love her. I've had one "relationship" since with a girl I've known all my life, but as soon as the girl decided she wanted us to be official, a couple days later she said she was tired of looking at me wishing I was her ex.

I've had thoughts of ending it all, thinking about how I'd do it, and it really scares me. I never thought my life would go this direction, but it has and I don't know what to do. I understand that its selfish and sounds rediculous to most, but I don't feel as though I have a purpose now.

Any intelligent advice is appreciated.

 

[|Chaz|]

Shitty situation dude. Women are just women though. What is positive in your life? Focus on making yourself happy. Where you working? What do you do for fun?

 

[reikoshea]

I can't agree with Chaz more. I was in that same boat about a year and a half ago, and really the only thing you can do is move on and start doing those things that you wanted to do.

Some examples for me were:

1) Getting back into shooting guns.
2) Get a project car going.
3) Play video games
4) Go to the bar whenever the fuck I want.
5) Working on those extra projects at work that I never had time for.

When my wife left I felt like shit for over a year and had those same thoughts run through my mind and then for some reason, the solution went off like a light bulb. "She left because I was doing what I wanted to do...why not just keep doing what I want to do and be happy". I'm not gonna say I don't miss her, and I'm not gonna say I don't wish things had turned out differently, but I will say that after taking my own advice I'm maybe a smidge less happy than I was and I'm okay with that. It's nice being able to sit up and play WoW with dishes in the sink. It's nice to go out and spend $800 on a gun and not ask for permission or think about what someone else has done with my debit card. And it's really nice to just be able to go out to a bar alone, strike up a conversation with new people, and watch some baseball.

I didn't do any of those things while I was married (except play video games) and now I get to do all of them my own way and on my own schedule, not someone else's.

It sounds cliche I know, but life goes on. I'm still crazy in love with my wife (I'm wondering when/if that will stop), BUT now I have a life I truly enjoy living. I get to be selfish and no one cares, because it's what makes me happy. Now I've learned how to live for myself and not let my happiness revolve around pleasing someone else, no matter how good it felt. And if my wife called me tomorrow and she said she wants to try and work things out, I'd jump at the opportunity, but I don't think I'd be the man she wants anymore.

 

[jeffie7]

Dude be very thankful. The fact she got engaged so fast is a good sign you should be long gone.

Grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. You want her because you can't have her. Best thing to do is get out there and enjoy the other things in life. Start mountain biking, get a motorcycle, do more car things. Get on some dating sites and unload a bunch of seed.

There's billions of people out there and guess what, there's tons just as good as her or even better. Thousands of them. You just need to find them.

You clearly don't want to deal with kids and she clearly moved on super fast. Be thankful you got out now because 2-3-5-10 years could have gone by before it ended. So much wasted time.

If you are honestly thinking about ending it. Do it right. Go to Vietnam or china and let the women throw themselves at you. Once you get tired of all the women. Off yourself there.

Zero worries of oeying the cc off.

However by then you won't even remember your exs name.

 

[JermBizzle]

Thanks for the replies...I'm obviously a car guy and enjoy driving, but I've had tons of job trouble lately and was basically unemployed for a month or two. II'm working again in a warehouse that makes me feel like a zombie, its just monotonous work but pay is ok and as I speed my work up, I'll get raises.

In a shitload of debt, medical for the most part from several surgeries I had to have on one of my eyes, and I owe entirely too much on my current car, but all I can do is try to pay more than minimum. Living with the parents, so that sucks if I did get interested in another girl.

All I do other than the occasional drive is play xbox...I have a lot of casual friends, but no one that I hang out with a lot. Don't do much drinking or I'd probably be drinking right now.

You guys reading this are the only other people that know other than my ex. We talk occasionally and I basically unloaded on her the other day about how I've been feeling. It wasn't my intention to come off as the desperate, attention-seeking ex, and I don't think she took it as that. She said she knew all about depression and that if I did do anything, she'd blame herself.

Its hard not talking to someone you still love, and the fact that our relationship had no bearing on us breaking up. Real hard for me at least.

 

[BigJ]

Sorry to hear man. But Chaz is right. Focus on the positive. Dstract yourself with healthy activities, and find yourself something to cope with in the short term. Set up a structure so you can't slip into destructive thoughts and work on changing what you can change. If you need to talk to someone. Don't hesitate.

 

[invisibledemon]

there are numbers to call and professionals that are there for your exact scenario.

if your thoughts are already headed down that road and you have nobody close to talk to, then go the pro route. call them.

also, you still have your parents obviously, dont be too proud to spill to them, they know you better than anybody.

 

[AHHVTEC]

I know youve prolly heard most of this already, but man weve all been there, it will get better. for me ive been through it twice in the past the 2nd time was crazy hard, but when i finally got over it. it was very fast one day i went to sleep still hurting from it all and when i woke it was like i never had feelings for the girl at all. and looking at where im at now not to sound cheese but thank god for un answered prayers. my advice to make it go much faster dont have any contact what so ever with her, and that means any. this will help tons. and as far as ending it all, as ive gotten older i understand more and more why ppl do it, this world sucks, for more reasons than i can count. but at the end of the day there is always at least one person in my life that loves me and i would not want them to suffer the pain of my loss. so i just tough it out and go on. keep your head up it will be better.

 

[jeffie7]

Cold turkey man. Stop talking to her and try to focus on yourself. You'll get past this and think to yourself. WTF was I thinking.

As far as friends. Very few people have truely close friends. Hell half of my Facebook friends wish me happy birthday on my fake listed birthday. The other half miss the real date so... Um Yeah lol.

 

[Briansol]

First, don't even consider ending it all. If you're remotely close to doing anything stupid, I'm required by law to call authorities or I can be held liable for not doing anything about it. You need to promise me that you aren't going to do anything stupid. As above, there are free professional help/crisis lines if you think you need a pro or are even considering it. I know most of us have had these thoughts of worthlessness and nothing brings them out stronger than a failed relationship.

If it's just one of those 'down in the dumps' phase, man, welcome to life!

Never talk to your ex again.

She is the source of all your troubles. Continuing even a friendly relationship with her is a mistake. It will stop you from ever getting over it.
Lose her number. Un-friend her on facebook. delete her pictures from your phone and walls.

Then, focus on self-improvement. Don't even think about dating right now. You need to get your shit back in order first. Get the stable job going. Get some debt paid off. Move out on your own again. GOALS! set them and work at them.
It won't be easy, but nothing worth it ever is.

Once and only once your self has improved will you find your mental stability much stronger.

Reality, these are your options:
Sit in a chair and feel sorry for yourself, or man the fuck up and do something about it.

Remember, it's not what happens to us in life, it's how we react to it that makes us men.


Watch all of this guys' videos.
https://www.youtube.com/user/MetalMotivation

 

[GSRCRXsi]

Never talk to your ex again.

She is the source of all your troubles. Continuing even a friendly relationship with her is a mistake. It will stop you from ever getting over it.
Lose her number. Un-friend her on facebook. delete her pictures from your phone and walls.

This.

...Get on some dating sites and unload a bunch of seed...

Then this.

pretty much what i did when me and my ex (5yrs) split lol. tried to "stay friends", never works. she thinks she can have you as a crutch while you basically just got friendzoned by the person you love most. fuck that. unfriended, deleted pics, deleted phone number, etc.

its hardest at first, but it fades. go out and get it in with some random chics (Tinder and OKCupid are great for this, and free. Tinder is better). the more you're with someone else, the less you'll think about it. it'll pass.

then i met my current girl and couldnt be happier. my thoughts pretty much resonate with what reiko said.

 

[JermBizzle]

I've never been interested in hooking up with random girls...doesn't seem like it'd help me.

Thanks for all the advice, I understand that I'm not the first person nor the last shit will happen to.

Promise I won't do anything stupid, not sure that I have the balls either way.

 

[reckedracing]

my 2 cents. try and avoid the negative thoughts and keep yourself as busy as possible. its a permanent solution to a temporary problem and this too shall pass.
make goals for yourself and try to accomplish them. make short term goals and long term goals to give yourself perspective on the future and what really matters.
do healthy things for yourself. any healthy activity will boost the natural chemicals in your brain to help fight off depression and will help you work towards your goals instead of getting stuck in a rut.
if you are not used to doing healthy things i would recommend you start with a half hour walk after dinner everyday. it will help you get your mind right.

 

[JermBizzle]

I'm not generally a very healthy person, but I'm down nearly 20lbs from about a month ago with the new job. Working in a frozen warehouse picking orders for a grocery store chain. Faster you work, more money you make.

I've always struggled with goals. I do know that I'd like to own a NSX one day & travel the country in it. I've always struggled with money as well, so I've never had many expensive goals stay in my head for long, which shows my laziness.

I'll top out at this job at a little over $16/hr which is by far the most I've ever made.

 

[reckedracing]

so lets start with some short terms financial goals
i need you to calculate out your monthly expenses and divide them by the numbers of paychecks you receive in a month.
include your minimum debt payments
now for every monthly bill you have you should have an envelope
if your cell phone costs you $60/month and you get paid 4 times a month, then when you cash every paycheck you should put $15 in an envelope every week to cover that monthly bill
so after you have your monthly budget, you will see if you have anything left over at the end of the month, and you can apply that to reducing your debt, or setting yourself up with a little savings to get you through unexpected financial problems.
make it a short term goal to set up your monthly budget on paper, and figure out if you are in the positive or negative at the end of each month.
if you are in the positive, then you can set up your savings stash and then determine how many months it will take you to pay off your debt based on your monthly surplus.
paying off the debt will be a moderate to long term goal that you can track the results on.

another short term goal is going to be finding things that trigger the happy brain chemicals
exercise will release 3 of the 4 chemicals that make you feel happiness, that is why i recommended going for a walk every night
food also triggers happy brain chemicals, but this will be short lived and in the end will make you feel worse
same goes for drugs and alcohol.
healthy happy brain chemicals are going to really help you get yourself in a better place.

 

[reikoshea]

I will say, after I paid off nearly a $100k in debt in just under 4 years my happiness skyrocketed recked speaks massive truths.

 

[corvetteguy78]

Not going to elaborate on what everybody said already....but have you ever considered doing volunteer work? I know it's probably not supposed too but, it usualy makes you feel good about yourself when you are helping other people who have worse problems than you.

 

[awptickes]

Pay off all your debt. You'll never be happier.

If you want to talk, I've been through a similar situation. I'll PM you my cell phone number if you promise to call me if you need to talk.

 

[jamesA]

How old are you Jerm?

 

[JermBizzle]

Read all the replies & I appreciate the advice. Don't have much time to respond while at work, and I'm here all night. @2000Si I'm 28