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A Few Jokes

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by B16RacerN2NR, Apr 19, 2005.

  1. B16RacerN2NR

    B16RacerN2NR Working Hard VIP

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    I Got these from the website that had the vid of that guy crashing is bike into the tree.

    Autopsy Class:

    An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.

    After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

    'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'

    Blonde In The Mirror:

    Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror.
    She picks it up, looks into it, and says, "WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person somewhere before..."

    The other blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh, of course you have. That's me!"

    Golf On The Sly:

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
    "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

    "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

    The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

    Skipping Chruch:

    Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

    As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

    At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

    The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

    Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

    St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

    The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


    There are a ton more...here's the link...

    http://www.big-boys.com/

    Just click on jokes on the left side.

    EDIT: I Had To Add this One...

    Costume Party:

    A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

    The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

    So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

    After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

    He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
     
  2. Dustin_m

    Dustin_m Active Member

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    That last one was good. i didnt expect that ending. :lol:
     
  3. mekanik04

    mekanik04 Member

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  4. Slammed90Lude

    Slammed90Lude Senior Member

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    lmao, that last one is hilarious
     
  5. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    Two "old guys" are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I`m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn`t paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That`s OK, what a coincidence. I`m looking for my wife, too. I can`t find her and I`m getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn`t matter --- let`s look for yours."
     
  6. StealthMode

    StealthMode Kung Foolin'

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    WOW, that was fucked up. Funny as hell! :bo:
     
  7. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    a couple pics, apparently from a radar spped trap with camera...

    [​IMG]


    notice the foot covering the plate number in this pic :thumbsup:

    [​IMG]
     
  8. Speedracer228

    Speedracer228 ......

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    ^ thats hilarious, and a good idea as well!
     
  9. StealthMode

    StealthMode Kung Foolin'

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  10. Speedracer228

    Speedracer228 ......

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    > best joke on there......

    True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

    "The moral of this story is:"

    "Always keep your condoms in your car."
     
  11. Battle Pope

    Battle Pope New Member

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  12. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

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  13. B16RacerN2NR

    B16RacerN2NR Working Hard VIP

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    Just found this one...lol

    One Big Dude:

    A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

    The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

    In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

    The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

    The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.
     
  14. Slammed90Lude

    Slammed90Lude Senior Member

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    holy shit- best story ever!!!
     
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