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Celerity's JotD

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by Celerity, Nov 6, 2006.

  1. Celerity

    Celerity Well-Known Member

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    For those of you who have lived in Texas,
    you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about
    the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
    parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an
    inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from
    Springfield, IL


    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing t here at the judge's table asking for
    directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
    assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
    wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
    free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
    *****************************************************
    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You
    could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
    the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    *****************************************************
    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
    what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
    who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
    beer when they saw the look on my face.

    *****************************************************

    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
    feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
    now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
    now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk
    from all of the beer.
    **************************************************


    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

    Judge # 1 --! Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
    or other mild foods not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
    unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
    beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 LB woman
    is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
    chili an aphrodisiac?
    *****************************************************




    CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
    and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four ! people behind me
    needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
    her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
    bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
    I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
    asked me to stop screaming.
    *****************************************************


    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
    gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
    worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
    behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
    wipe my rear-end with a snow cone.
    ************************! ******* **********************


    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
    of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
    worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
    is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
    sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
    chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
    to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
    killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not
    getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
    the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    *****************************! ******* *****************


    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
    passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
    Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
    reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge # 3 - No Report
     
  2. formby

    formby learning in progress

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    funny as fuck
     
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