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Does sex really burn calories?

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by ahedau, Apr 10, 2004.

  1. ahedau

    ahedau Senior Member

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    I get back from a 4 1/2 day business trip and my wife says she's started a new diet and is counting calories. As such, she refuses a beer. I see that Corona Lite has 105 calories and tell her if she drinks the beer we'll work off the calories having sex. To support my position, I did a google search and found this....enjoy:


    The Act of Insertion

    If the man is ready (same vice-versa).........1/4 calories
    If the woman is not (same vice-versa).........274 calories

    Satisfying Partner (organ size)
    Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a Shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

    Normal size............22 calories
    Oversize.................15 calories
    Tremendous............8 calories
    Teensy-weensy.......163 calories

    Positions
    Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)..........20 calories
    Woman on top, man on bottom.........................................25 calories
    Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities,
    this position affords a better view of the clock
    .
    From the rear (Mysterious variation)..............................40 1/2 calories
    Standing
    Both partners of equal height......................................18 calories
    Woman 1 foot taller than a man..................................90 calories
    The man will have to make several rigorous leaps into the air
    in order to achieve even minimal satisfaction
    While in traction.............................................................124 calories
    (very useful during ski season)

    Locations
    On a bar stool....................20 calories
    Rear of a Honda Civic......38 calories
    In a phone booth
    Standing.......................14 calories
    lying down...................274 calories
    On an airliner
    Aisle seat....................24 calories
    Middle seat.................42 calories
    Window seat...............30 calories
    In the lavatory.............100 calories

    Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
    Bouncing........................7 calories
    Sliding around................9 calories
    Serious Skidding............12 calories
    Full cartwheel................20 calories
    Whiplash........................27 calories
    Knee burn.......................6 calories
    Chafed elbows...............5 calories
    Chafed nose...................11 calories

    Sex Related Noises
    Short gasps (per gasp).....................................3 calories
    Wheezing.........................................................5 calories
    Squeals............................................................4 calories
    Ecstatic moaning..............................................11 calories
    Low growling..................................................8 calories
    Squishing.........................................................10 calories
    Shouting...........................................................16 calories
    Screaming........................................................18 calories
    Urgent begging.................................................22 calories
    Any short speech giving partner directions......25 calories
    "Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more"
    are common examples


    Approaching Orgasm
    Letting go..........................................................5 1/2 calories
    Controlling yourself.........................................79 calories
    Digging nails in your partners back back.........11 calories
    Trembling........................................................15 calories
    Shaking............................................................20 calories
    Shuddering......................................................25 calories
    Trying to keep eyes open................................33 calories

    Orgasm
    Real............27 calories
    Faked.........160 calories

    Orgasmic Intensity Scale
    Expression didnt change...............1/2 calorie
    Face turned purple........................15 calories
    Orchestra swelled.........................6 calories
    Magical explosions.......................10 calories
    Blazing Sheets...............................25 calories
    Earth moved..................................30 calories
    Vesuvius erupted...........................47 calories
    You began moaning in Latin..........60 calories

    Pulling Out
    After orgasm...................................1/4 calorie
    A few moments before orgasm.......500 calories

    Multiple Orgasms
    For woman
    2......14 calories
    5......30 calories
    8......47 calories
    Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship and ride a Moped.
    For Men
    2......21 calories
    3......39 calories
    4......57 calories
    For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.

    Special Orgasms
    Clitoral...............15 calories
    Vaginal...............21 calories
    Penile.................21 calories
    Scrotile..............15 calories
    Rectal................25 calories
    Oral...................30 calories
    (can also occur during an especially good meal)

    Premature Ejaculation*
    During insertion.............................2 calories
    During intercourse.........................5 calories
    approx.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion,
    which ever comes first

    During foreplay.............................3 calories
    Immature ejaculation.....................4 calories
    similar to premature ejaculation except male
    acts childish and throws a tantrum

    *Often caused by an inability to do things right.

    Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
    Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the footy on the tv.

    For Woman
    Frustration..........................................8 calories
    Anger.................................................15 calories
    Violent mood swing...........................20 calories
    Suppressing rage................................25 calories
    Not suppressing anger........................65 calories
    in extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks,
    and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.


    For Men
    Cursing..............................................10 calories
    Apologising.......................................3 calories
    Snivelling..........................................5 calories
    Pleading for mercy............................8 calories
    Begging for another chance...............15 calories

    Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 sec's of sex.

    Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
    The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

    Swooning.........................6 calories
    Palpitations......................10 calories
    Shortness of breath..........5 calories
    Perspiring........................8 calories

    Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
    A less-than-sunny desposition........1 calorie

    Recovering
    Un-entwining............................................3 calories
    Regaining motor control of pevis.............7 calories
    After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist
    to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put one foot
    in front of the other), which will seriously impair your chances of going
    to the bathroom or getting a juice.

    Standing up...............................................9 calories
    Getting some juice....................................11 calories

    Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
    After intercourse............18 calories
    Classic behavior for shiftless men who believe they've done their job
    and are now entitled to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.
    During intercourse.........32 calories
    Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.
    During foreplay.............12 calories
    Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.

    Trying Again
    If the woman is ready...........5 calories
    If the man is not....................156 calories

    Dreaming
    Regular dream.................2 calories
    Wet Dream......................16 calories
    Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
    Add 20 calories if your partner notices
    Wet Trance......................20 calories
    Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist

    Group Sex
    Introducing yourself.....................3 calories
    Overcoming shyness....................8 calories
    Swapping partners
    Willingly.................................4 calories
    Unwillingly.............................62 calories
    Jealousy......................................16 calories
    Partner having more fun than you are
    Mixed doubles............................26 calories
    Being nice to everyone...............100 calories
    Anger..........................................10 calories
    You suddenly realise that you're wanted for you body and not your mind.
    Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.

    Finding your clothes....................5 calories

    Masturbation
    For pleasure only...................................6 calories
    For exercise, too....................................10 calories
    For relief from tension...........................12 calories
    To pass the time.....................................7 calories
    To avoid overeating...............................16 calories
    To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories
    To get in touch with outter self..............10 1/4 calories
    To avoid insanity..................................24 calories
    To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories

    In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.

    Using
    Your hand(s):
    Regular way......................................11 calories
    Your finger(s)...................................9 calories
    Tweezers..............................................2 calories
    An inflatable doll.................................24 calories
    Any fruit or vegetable..........................19 calories
    except watermelon or a sprig of parsley
    A vibrator:
    Hand-operated.................................12 calories
    Windup............................................9 calories
    Electric............................................5 calories
    Anything not mentioned here.................50 calories
    In a pornographic movie theater
    Purchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 calories
    Finding isolated seat.........................78 calories
    Adjusting raincoat.............................3 calories

    Typical Sex-Related Fears
    Partner hates me for what I did............................4 calories
    Partner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 calories
    Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 calories
    Climaxing too soon.............................................5 calories
    Climaxing too late...............................................6 calories
    Not climaxing......................................................20 calories
    Partner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 calories
    Partner doesnt think of me as a sex object...........47 calories
    Partner will neglect to administer last rites
    should I not recover from orgasm......................88 calories

    Personal Fears
    Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 calories
    Stretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8 calories
    Penis envy.........................................................................72 calories
    Body odor of a disgruntled yak..........................................25 calories

    Getting Caught
    By partner's spouse.........60 calories
    By your spouse................60 1/2 calories
    Trying to explain.............165 calories
    Stuttering.........................28 calories
    Throwing-up...................40 calories

    Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed

    Almost Getting Caught
    Trying to remain calm...........................100 calories
    Fright (includes trembling)...................66 calories
    Leaping out of bed................................25 calories
    Getting dressed in one large motion.....300 calories
    Thanking partner quickly......................2 calories
    Jumping out of window........................15 calories
    add 5 calories if window wasnt open
    Landing................................................1 calorie
    Running very fast.................................50 calories
     
  2. Airjockie

    Airjockie Watanabe Whore!!!

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    Masturbation
    For pleasure only...................................6 calories
    For exercise, too....................................10 calories
    For relief from tension...........................12 calories
    To pass the time.....................................7 calories
    To avoid overeating...............................16 calories
    To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories
    To get in touch with outter self..............10 1/4 calories
    To avoid insanity..................................24 calories
    To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories


    :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r:


    Can't be true...Or I would be burning over 60 calories a day...and I am still fat...


    or do I need to do more than that?
     
  3. Celerity

    Celerity Well-Known Member

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    I've seen your porn. It takes 20 calories not to explode into laughter :)

    -> Steve
     
  4. TurboMirage

    TurboMirage YEEAAAHHH VIP

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    but what is really exploding?
    :lol: :lol:
     
  5. JDMilan

    JDMilan Senior Member

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    whether I lose some or gain some...........




    it's fucking fun
     
  6. NotUrAverage_Si

    NotUrAverage_Si Senior Member

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    wow, I lost 38 calories a year ago.

    what about dry humpin? that shits gotta count for somethin too.
     
  7. Havok

    Havok Senior Member

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    :word:

    Was all the masturbation info copied and pasted directly from Eric A.'s webiste?
     
  8. MugenCRX

    MugenCRX Senior Member

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    What about the passenger seat of a CRX? :hmm:
     
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