Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by pissedoffsol, May 21, 2003.
check em out-- pretty funny shite
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France. "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A. So the French can show them how to surrender.
Q. Why are the French so afraid of war?
A. You would be too if you never won one in your history.
The French still need more proof that Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery.
A cursory review of French military history reveals the following:
1 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 > years of French history.
2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "French armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
3 - Italian Wars - Lost.
4 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
6 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as > chapeaux.
7 - The Dutch War - Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look.
8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
9 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost.
10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
11 - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
12 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer.
13 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. For the first, but certainly not the last time France loses to Germany.
14 - World War I - Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les francaise.
15 - World War II - A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter, then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain
16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage", or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to see how the second string will play) - Lost. French soldiers, fresh off their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien Bien Flu.
17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but it lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of warfare for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.
18 - War on Terrorism - Lost. Incensed at not being included in the
original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria.
The moral of the story is - give thanks to God on high that the French are not helping us!
And why are French streets tree lined?
So the Germans can march in the shade.
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows. It's never been tried.
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
How many gears does a French tank have?
Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).
FOR SALE: French rifles . . . never fired, only dropped once.
"The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."
That last one is more than a joke. It's shrewd commentary. It captures why the French make such poor allies. When they pulled out of NATO 40 years ago and declared Americans must close down their bases in France, Secretary of State Dean Rusk had a bitterly caustic response: "Should we dig up the graves of American soldiers in Normandy, too, and take them home?"
No French answer was recorded.
"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." -Jay Leno
"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse - they've been repackaged and sold to France." -Craig Kilborn
"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." -Dennis Miller
"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" -Jay Leno
"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." -Jay Leno
"Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures - just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done." -Jay Leno
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
So they can see the battle.
if you use google search and type in "french military victories," your reply will be "did you mean french military defeats?"
heres some iraq jokes too..
Why don't Iraqi's go to bars?
Because they can get bombed at home.
What is the Iraqi Air Force motto?
I came, I saw, Iran.
Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise
Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
They both have Kurds in their way.
What is the best Iraqi job?
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.
How do you play Iraqi bingo?
... F-16 ... B-52 ... F-18 ... A-10
What is Iraq's national bird?
What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their Air Force.
if you have faith in the u.n to do the right thing, keep this in mind- they have libya heading the committee on human rights and iraq heading the global disarmament committee. do your own math here.
saddam and bin laden will not seek united nations approval before they try to kill us
even if you are anti-war, your are still and infidel and bin laden wants you dead too.
there was a few i hadn't heard before
that's damn funny.
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