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hope this never happens to you

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by jeffie7, Oct 25, 2003.

  1. jeffie7

    jeffie7 Wrong Whole! VIP

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    Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean, it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain.

    The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened,"The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

    "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

    "I am scared!" She pleaded, "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" ... Pause ... "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

    No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.

    So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

    Now, when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men in this predicament choose only the "flight" option.

    Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

    When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.

    At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

    If they had only known.
     
  2. h82w8

    h82w8 Senior Member

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    too drrunk need cliffs manng :beer: :driver: :tardcart: :cliffs: :puke2:
     
  3. sportlinecrx

    sportlinecrx Banned

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    :shock: holy shit! youre lucky to be alive :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r:
     
  4. jamesA

    jamesA Well known pissed off telephone guy VIP

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    LMAO.... :withstupid:

    holy fucking shit. I'll tell ya one thing man... I'm glad it was you and not me. :bo:
     
  5. BigJ

    BigJ I'm just about that action Boss. VIP

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    That's horrible mang. Glad to know the jewels are alright.
     
  6. sportlinecrx

    sportlinecrx Banned

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    here's a tip...try not to look at Trailorparkpimp's avatar :ph34r:
     
  7. jamesA

    jamesA Well known pissed off telephone guy VIP

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    :eek: hahahahahaha
    I forgot about his avatar. :lmao: :bo:
     
  8. sportlinecrx

    sportlinecrx Banned

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    :D now this is all im gonna think of ever time i see it lol
     
  9. 98integrals

    98integrals Senior Member

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    :lol: :lol:

    that sucks but its funny as hell
     
  10. khrisb

    khrisb ******

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    I don't think that really happened to Jeffie...Just one of the hundreds of funny threads he somehow seems to make.

    :thumbsup: Keep up the good work! I need to laugh to pass the time at work!
     
  11. 98integrals

    98integrals Senior Member

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    :withstupid:

     
  12. jamesA

    jamesA Well known pissed off telephone guy VIP

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    Well, see I don't know too many peoples real names on here just yet...so for all I know Jeffie's REAL name is Ed... and he likes to run around the house butt ass naked. :unsure:
     
  13. phunky.buddha

    phunky.buddha Admin with a big stick Admin VIP

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    Ouch. I'm glad you're still around typing on a keyboard for us. :)
     
  14. SolReaver

    SolReaver Senior Member

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    this obviously isn't an event that actually happened to jeffie, as he doesn't use punctuation in his posts :)
     
  15. Slo86GT

    Slo86GT Super Moderator

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    It wasn't Jeff... I've read that story at least 5 time snow over the past 10 years or so... still awesome funny stuff! :)

    :thumbsup:
     
  16. Airjockie

    Airjockie Watanabe Whore!!!

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    so....did you kill the cat?...hehe :ph34r:
     
  17. jeffie7

    jeffie7 Wrong Whole! VIP

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    Yup Yup right on lol



    after I pulled the cat from my cock and balls "adam sandlers mommy voice" I tossed the cat in the garbage disposal and tested it out to see if resetting it fixed the problem
     
  18. Frankie P.

    Frankie P. Senior Member

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    :bo: :bo: :bo:

    So, did it work?
     
  19. Tonyd0821

    Tonyd0821 Banned

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    am I the only person on here who can lay claim to....

    :repost:


    /hello and welcome to 2 years ago.



    on another note, a similar incident happened to me a few years back.
    i had found a little kitty where i worked and brought it home as my pet.
    had my girlfriend over that night and we were fucking.

    i was on top....takin my time, goin real slow.

    when all of a sudden i feel this "sandpaper" type thingy against my balls....

    the fucking kitten was liking my balls !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i instantly grabbed kittah and flung her out the bedroom door and proceeded to lie down while my girlfriend was on the floor laughing her ass off....
     
  20. 98integrals

    98integrals Senior Member

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