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Joke of the day....

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by Airjockie, Apr 26, 2006.

  1. Airjockie

    Airjockie Watanabe Whore!!!

    Likes Received:
    Jan 21, 2003
    Meriden, CT, USA

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
    while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey
    grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced
    limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs
    one of the Billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his
    mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
    did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
    in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

    The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
    monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and
    has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
    running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink,
    the monkey finds a Maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
    up his rear, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a
    peanut, and again sticks it up his rear, pulls it out, and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
    "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry
    and a peanut up his rear, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the
    bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still
    eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue
    ball, he measures everything first."
  2. Airjockie

    Airjockie Watanabe Whore!!!

    Likes Received:
    Jan 21, 2003
    Meriden, CT, USA
    A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour.

    Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

    He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

    The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

    Picture this:

    All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
    People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

    True story....Have a great day and remember...Things aren't always as they appear.

    Always remember that it takes a college degree to fly a Commercial Passenger Airplane and a high school diploma to fix one! Reassurance for all those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

    Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions
    recorded (as marked with an M) by the maintenance engineers.

    By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in the cockpit. M: Something tightened in the cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield. M: Live bugs on backorder.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear. M: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud. M: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. M: That's what friction locks are for.
    P: IF F inoperative in OFF mode. M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield. M: Suspect you're right.

    P: The number 3 engine is missing. M: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums. M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit. M: Cat installed.

    And the best one saved for last......
    P: Noise from under the instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. M: Took hammer away from midget.
  3. eg6sir

    eg6sir Supa Mod Moderator VIP

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    Aug 17, 2005
    661 BK CA
    hahahaha at the first one.. :thumbsup:
  4. Dustin_m

    Dustin_m Active Member

    Likes Received:
    May 21, 2003
    San Diego, CA
    [​IMG] [​IMG] that second post was funny
  5. TurboMirage

    TurboMirage YEEAAAHHH VIP

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    May 20, 2003
    Central, MA
    i havent heard those two in awhile.
  6. Airjockie

    Airjockie Watanabe Whore!!!

    Likes Received:
    Jan 21, 2003
    Meriden, CT, USA
    There are many types of breasts out there, but until now, many people experienced problems communicating what particular breasts were like until now...
    . . Itty bitty titties
    ()() Little breasts
    (.)(.) Nice breasts
    (o)(o) Perfect breasts
    (D)(D) Bullets
    (O)(O) Handful breasts
    (~0~)(~0~) Stretch mark breasts
    \o/.\o/ Grandma's breasts
    [o][o] Breasts during a mammogram
    * ^ * Flat chest
    (+0(+0) Fake silicone breasts
    (*)(*) High nipple breasts
    (@)(@) Big nipple breasts
    oo A cups
    {O}{O} D cups
    (^)(^) Cold breasts
    (<)(<) Perky breasts
    (o)(O) Lopsided breasts
    (Q)(O) Pierced breasts
    (p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts
    (-)(-) Flat against the shower door breasts
    lollol Android breasts
    ($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
    (ooo) Total Recall breasts (she had three!)

  7. Airjockie

    Airjockie Watanabe Whore!!!

    Likes Received:
    Jan 21, 2003
    Meriden, CT, USA
    The Perfect Dump

    Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

    The Beer Dump

    Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

    The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

    Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

    The Empty Roll Dump

    Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

    The Splash Back Dump

    This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

    The Childbirth Dump

    This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

    The Machine Gun Dump

    Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

    The Sound Effect Dump

    You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

    The Cling-On Dump

    You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

    The Whole Roll Dump

    No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

    The Encore Dump

    Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

    The Houdini Dump

    You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
  8. reckedracing

    reckedracing TTIWWOP VIP

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    Dec 5, 2002

    ( ) )===D~~ ~ (o)(o)

  9. MugenCRX

    MugenCRX Senior Member

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    Mar 21, 2003
    Thornton CO
    [​IMG] OMMFG!!! This is by far the most entertaining group of words I have read in a long time.

    I do however feel that this might have been better posted in Seany-izzle's thread about his ass problems.
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