Two Turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After 3 days walking they arrive at a great spot, but they forget a bottle opener. The 1st turns to the other and says ' You've got to go back and get the opener or else we've got no beer '. ' No way ' says the 2nd Turtle. ' By the time i get back, you'll have eaten all the food '. ' I promise i wont, just hurry up '. 9 full days pass and still no sign of the 2nd Turtle. Finally the other digs into the sandwiches. The 2nd Turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, ' I knew it, I'm not fucking going. --- A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck . If he wants intercourse, don't resist, just do what he tells you! This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very attractive, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..." ---this ones not so funny but it's still worth a read--- A passenger plane traveling to Australia is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is. It's Jennifer Lopez. Forever grateful to him for saving her life they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Jennifer is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach staring out to sea with a look of sorrow on his face. Feeling there's something wrong, she wanders over to him and asks what is wrong. "Jennifer. The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing." Jennifer replies, "What my darling? What is it that you need. I'll do anything." "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "OK." "And my trousers?" "OK." At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK.... Can you start to walk around the island and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way." "OK dear, whatever will make you happy." So off they set. After half an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, running up to her and grabbing her by the shoulders he shouts, "Mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging!"