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my dream girl

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by boostedf22, Jul 27, 2007.

  1. boostedf22

    boostedf22 dis is why im not

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    Knowing the hundreds – perhaps even thousands – of women out there pining for my love and affection, I thought this might be a good moment to provide a helpful checklist noting the specific qualities of the person I would call "Phil’s Dream Girl." Ladies (and Gentlemen, if you so choose), compare your attributes to those on the list and see how you measure up.

    But before I reveal the list populated by those select personality traits I consider essential in the woman I’ll one day force to marry me while I’m dressed as old, fat Elvis and she as a showgirl, I’ll give every female reading this her proper hope. If, perchance, one or two of these characteristics don’t entirely describe you, there’s no need to be heartbroken. I’m perfect enough for both of us, so surely you can have a flaw or two. And if you’ve got really big jugs, I’ll let you have three flaws.

    _____ Quality 1: Must be female

    Self explanatory, I think. But it also has a qualification: you must have always been female. (Sorry Kelly Clarkson… guess that knocks you out.)

    _____ Quality 2: Nice boobs

    No preference whether they’re fake or natural, but they have to be at least C-cups. (Note: this can be waived for exceptionally hot girls with smaller boobs so long as they’re willing to get implants… at their expense, of course.)

    _____ Quality 3: Child of a broken home

    I need a girl who isn’t afraid to get freaky on Fridays, and that’s just not going to happen with a girl whose parents loved and cared for her as most parents should. Divorces are acceptable, but bonus points if your dad beat you or your mom and/or was sent to prison. (Exception: rebellious daughters of pastors also qualify.)

    _____ Quality 4: Able to throw "good judgment" out the window when drunk

    In other words, responsible drinkers need not apply. Bottom line – someone has to drive us home. And since I plan on being passed out in the passenger seat, that leaves you.

    _____ Quality 5: Drive large SUV

    There’s not enough whisky in the world to get me drunk enough to let a woman drive my car, so you’ll have to drive to the bars as well. And since I live by the mantra "women drivers, no survivors," you’d better have the kind of vehicle that can split a Miata in two without waking me.

    _____ Quality 6: Must be rich Someone has got to pay my bar tab. And that someone had better not be me. However, if you’re hot enough you can get my drinks for free, that’s also acceptable.

    _____ Quality 7: Often travel for work

    I can get sick of any girl. I don’t expect my dream girl to be any different, and quite honestly, I need a lot of "me time."

    _____ Quality 8: Must hate Paris Hilton

    I know this requirement actually only eliminates Paris Hilton herself from my potential suitors, but I think it was necessary. I’m sorry Paris, I’ve been hurt by you too many times. You had your chance and you blew it when you destroyed Britney’s wholesomeness.

    _____ Quality 9: Have hot, underage sister

    I know, I know, it’s a little creepy. But just remember, dream girls shouldn’t judge.

    _____ Quality 10: Always well-supplied with recreational "party favors"

    You don’t need a lot. Just enough to maybe fit in your pocket… you know, in case the moment calls for it.


    That list isn't too daunting, is it? Heck, I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who boast all these qualities. And let me tell you, if you're a lucky enough man to already have a girl like this, don't ever let her go. Trust me, she's a keeper...
     
  2. E_SolSi

    E_SolSi Member of the 20 nut club Moderator VIP

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    lmao

    :lmao:

    awesome list

    :thumbsup:
     
  3. Black Widow g2

    Black Widow g2 *princess*

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    does it count if another man in the bar offers me a free drink and i give it to you? hahaha... that was a funny moment.
     
  4. phyregod

    phyregod !!YTINASNI

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    Is that what's wrong with my wife? She was raised in a perfect home with 4 siblings, and she is not at all a freak.

    I'm super-freak.. but I was also raised in the perfect home with no problems.. Comes with being a male, I suppose..

    I get even freakier when drunk.. and 10x freaky when high.. But I haven't been high in years.. like 5+ years.. Other than that tylenol "extreme" synus. Holy crap that stuff was powerful..

    I'm stupid drunk right now, but I re-typed that several times, and it seems to make sense, so if it doesn't.. um... So what.

    Have a nice day. Or night. well, its technically morning.. so have a nice late night or early morning, or whatever the hell you are having at the time you are reading this.









    I just typed the word "this" about 15 times trying to get it right. As a matter of fact it took me 3 tries to get it right that time. This. This. This. hells yeah, got all three of those correct on the first try. Although I had to retype as, fact, time and try several times each. Jeez I'm drunk.
     
  5. Black Widow g2

    Black Widow g2 *princess*

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    That was the funniest post I have read in a while. And no, that's not what's wrong with your wife. I'm a product of a very sound home. But... I was adopted... so, maybe that had something to do with it?
     
  6. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

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    I love the list. I am also drunk. Got to love a job that lets me drink for free and then Sapporo at home. JDM beer FTW, haha.
     
  7. Black Widow g2

    Black Widow g2 *princess*

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    Tsingtao tastes better, but it's Chinese. I like Sapporo the best... when I'm not drinking Sake.
     
  8. BigJ

    BigJ I'm just about that action Boss. VIP

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    cough*unfilteredsakeisbetter*cough
     
  9. 801CRX

    801CRX Got Rice?

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    LMAO #3 is the friggi'n winner!!!
     
  10. humblegumbo

    humblegumbo 1595cc's of Mad Fury

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    What about feral children? (i.e. raised by wolves)

    Also, should get bonus points for having deceased parents. In-laws can ruin your life in ways you can't imagine.

    Nice.

    I'd like to add one quality: Bi-curious when intoxicated. And more bonus points if hot underage sister is involved in bi-curiosity.
     
  11. nootrac22

    nootrac22 Well-Known Member VIP

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    feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up [/chris rock]
     
  12. smarty009

    smarty009 Senior Member

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  13. Black Widow g2

    Black Widow g2 *princess*

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    yes. the cloudy kind. i have numerous bottles.
     
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