If men truly ran the world . . . 1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. 2. Birth control would come in ale or lager. 3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. 5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. 6. Garbage would take itself out. 7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. 8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle". 9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps". 10. Tanks would be far easier to rent. 11. Two words..."Ally McNaked". 12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". 13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. 14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. 15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. 16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. 17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". 19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. 20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you". 21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. 22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. 24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. Nuts A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink. Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place. All of a sudden he hears a voice that says, "Nice suit." He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses. A little while later the same voice says, "Nice Tie." The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone. He finally asks the bartender if he just said something. "No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary." First Date My next door neighbors' son was going on his first date. My neighbor drove his son to the miniature golf complex where he was meeting his date and a group of friends. Only after 45 minutes did he get a phone call saying the date was over. After picking his son up he waited a while before asking how the date went. When he asked, his son said, "Dad, I don't think I understand girls, they talk too much, they cost a lot of money and they don't taste so good." The five toughest questions women ask - and their answers According to Sassy magazine, the five questions are: 1. "What are you thinking?" 2. "Do you love me?" 3. "Do I look fat?" 4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5. "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1. "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: 1. Baseball 2. Football 3. How fat you are. 4. How much prettier she is than you. 5. How he would spend the insurance money if you died. According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2. "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: 1. I suppose so. 2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes. 3. That depends on what you mean by "love". 4. Does it matter? 5. Who, me? 3. "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: 1. I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. 2. Compared to what? 3. A little extra weight looks good on you. 4. I've seen fatter. 5. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: 1. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. 2. I don't know how one goes about rating such things. 3. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. 4. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. 5. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5. "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife."No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes . . . I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too?" "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed." The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (These are *real*) * Do You Love As Good As You Look? * Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life * Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye * Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure * Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares * How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? * Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral * I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life * I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling * I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me * I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart * I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You * I Wanna Whip Your Cow * I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! * I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win * I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy * I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life * I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart * I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your * Welfare Line - If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You * If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low * If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You * If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me * If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will * If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? * Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) * May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose * My Every Day Silver Is Plastic * My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus * My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart * My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him * Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You * Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill * She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft; She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger * She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart * She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty * Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone * They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out * Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart * When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In * You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too * You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd * You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat * You Were Only A Splinter In My Ass As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life * You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly You might be a liberal if ... By Chris Grawburg - You might be a liberal if: * you've ever left your sociology class thinking, "That professor really knows what he/she/it is talking about." * you associate the words "model American" with "Bill Clinton" * you think Dan Rather represents media impartiality * your response to anything Rush Limbaugh says is, "Well, he's fat." * the first word in the description of your hair color is "neon" * you've ever tried to protect the ozone layer * you've stood for animal rights, but wear leather belts and sandals * you've ever given a dollar to a bum so he can buy more liquor ...ummm ... food * you ever use the words "Clarence Thomas" and "Uncle Tom" in the same sentence * you are a vegan * you have a bumper sticker that says "You Can't Hug With Nuclear Arms" on your car * you believe diversity represents the extinction of the white race * you've ever walked around carrying one of those Javahhh mugs * you pay a 185 percent markup for organically grown food * you cheered for "Obstructing Justice Simpson" last Tuesday at 1 p.m. * you don't think it's right to kill rapists and murderers, but do think it's right to kill babies * you have anything to do with the Compassionate Living Fair * you want more funding for AIDS research but less for cancer, despite the fact that cancer kills many more people per year * you have the entire menu at Cup-A-Joe memorized * you consider yourself open-minded but refuse to listen to anything Jesse Helms has to say * you abhor censorship unless it's censoring race, religion, Conservatism, Western culture or Rush Limbaugh * you found yourself unemployed after this past November's election * you're a dope smoker or a womanizer ... oh, sorry, that's "You might be a Clinton cabinet official if ..." * you're the dolt who stole the "Helms '96" bumper sticker from my car * you think the phrase, "... separation of church and state" is in the Constitution * you cry, "You can't legislate morality," but defend the Roe v. Wade decision in order to legalize your moral position on abortion * you stay informed by watching MTV News * you have an "I'm Straight But Not Narrow" button pinned to your book bag * there is a ring in any part of your head other than your ears * you think religion is bad for school kids to learn, but think condom giveaways are just what schools need * you molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national television . . . oops, my mistake again, that's "You might be Mel Reynolds if . . ." * you think Jesse Jackson is a good spokesman for the black community * you think Jesse Jackson is good at anything * you lie in bed at night worried that Pat Robertson might be out to get you * you attribute the rising illegitimacy rate, crime rate or problems in the inner city to Ronald Reagan * you've ever held up a grocery store line trying to pick between plastic, which isn't biodegradable, or paper, which cuts down innocent trees * you think the National Organization for Women is made up of average heterosexual women with no lesbian agenda * you're on the committee to construct the Gay Jewish Women's Cultural Center -- there's a slight chance you're a liberal * you blame Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but not the spend-happy "Democrooks" for the huge national debt * banning assault weapons is your solution to end crime (what do you mean punish the criminals?) * you tell me how to live by telling me I can't tell people how to live * And finally ...you think Ted Kennedy is sober and monogamous. Clever Sayings? * There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. * Why is abbreviation such a long word? * Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. * . . . every morning is the dawn of a new error. * For people who like piece and quiet . . . a phoneless cord! * I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. * Mental Floss prevents moral decay! * Madness takes aits toll. Please have exact change ready. * Be nice to your kids . . . they'll be the ones choosing your nursing home. * Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. * There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full. * I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. * Did you ever stop to think . . . and forget to start again? * A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. * I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem. * Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out. * If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! * Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" . . . 'till you can find a rock! * Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way. * If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? * If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. * Don't look back, they might be gaining on you. * It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. * Help Wanted: Telepath . . . you know where to apply. * Mechanic's slogan: If it ain't broke, we'll break it. * Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. * Dain bramaged. * Department of Redundancy Department. * Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! * What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. How to Attend a Meeting by Dave Barry To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work. There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations: 1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and, 2. Going to meetings. Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phonemessages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings. The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this). At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next. But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their "agenda". At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings. The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting. An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie, "Night of the Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living. There are two major kinds of meetings: 1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind accounts for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school, with everyone getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say. When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand." You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how they do it in Japan. 2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed by a question mark, like this: "Norm?" Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career). But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on something. This is very serious because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal,you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your tie. Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from the president of the company, or the Pope." You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking rectangles like this: (picture of doodled rectangles). If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss). If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they should file quietly out of the room. Managed Caring Planâ„¢ By Richard Liebmann-Smith (An editor of American Health Magazine.) Welcome to Managed Caringâ„¢, a whole new way of thinking about friendship. The Managed Caring Planâ„¢ combines all the advantages of a "traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving features. HOW DOES IT WORK ? Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers. All of your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Caringâ„¢ panel.WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FRIENDS ? If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where you've lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly duplication, inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental behavior. Under Managed Caringâ„¢, your friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who Caresâ„¢ about the quality of all your Friendships. HOW DO I KNOW THESE AREN'T JUST A BUNCH OF LOSERS WHO CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS ON THEIR OWN ? Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caringâ„¢ in a cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to focus on Caringâ„¢ for you rather than devoting their resources to the paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty. WHAT IF I NEED A SPECIAL FRIEND, SAY FOR POKER OR FISHING ? Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of knowing you for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to refer you to a Special Friend within the Managed Caringâ„¢ network should your needs fall outside the scope of his or her excellent training. SUPPOSE I WANT TO SEE FRIENDS OUTSIDE THE MANAGED CARINGâ„¢ NETWORK ? CAN MY BEST FRIEND EVER REFER ME TO THEM ? No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency. WHAT'S THAT ? The Managed Caringâ„¢ Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend out of town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is Caringâ„¢ for someone else. You may be on a business trip and find yourself lonely. In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all appropriate Friendship Procedures delivered in this Emergency Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us within two business days. WHAT FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES ARE COVERED UNDER THE PLAN ? Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to): Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out, checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying, moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your back. ARE ANY FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES NOT COVERED UNDER THE PLAN ? Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess of $5, going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex. HOW CAN I FIND OUT IF THE FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURE I NEED IS COVERED ? If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your Managed Caringâ„¢ I.D. card to arrange for precertification of the proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for coverage within 24 business hours. BUT WHO DECIDES WHAT'S APPROPRIATE FOR ME ? We do. Isn't that what friends are for ?