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random women bashing jokes

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by jeffie7, Feb 29, 2004.

  1. jeffie7

    jeffie7 Wrong Whole! VIP

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    Sep 28, 2002

    All women possess some intelligent DNA at some point in their lives, however 95% of them spit it out.

    Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
    She's a woman.

    Q: Why did the blonde chick do the Spanish guy??
    A: Because her teacher told her to do an essay.

    Q: Why your not suppose to eat pussy first thing in the morning.
    A: Have you ever tried to pull apart a grill cheese sandwich.

    Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
    A: Because they're ugly and they stink.

    Everything about you is perfect. Your lips, your skin, your eyes, your body. Perfect! Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

    What's the difference between a job and a wife?
    After five years, the job still sucks.

    How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Three: One to change it,
    One to support her by holding the ladder,
    One to write an indignant essay condemning the use of the word "screw".

    Q. What doesn't belong in this list? Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
    A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob

    Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
    A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

    Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
    A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

    Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
    A. One of his fingers is clean.

    Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a man?
    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
    A: Obviously, your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old collage roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

    A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral ex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

    A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

    A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious meal.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

    A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should – he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral on him and cook him a nice meal.

    Dear Mr. Abby:

    Q: My husband always has an orgasm then, rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.

    A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

    A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
    She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
    He says, "Put it between your legs."
    She says, "What about the smell?"
    He says, "Hold its nose."

    Q: What do you do if the washing machine breaks down?
    A: Slap the bitch.

    Q: What do you say to a woman with a black eye?
    A: Nothing, she's already been told once.

    Q:Five tampons are walking down the street, you wave.Which one waves back?
    A:None of them they are all stuck up cunts.

    First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
    Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
  2. xj0hnx

    xj0hnx I wanna be sedated VIP

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    Nov 10, 2002
    :lol: :lol: :lol: :ph34r:
  3. jeffie7

    jeffie7 Wrong Whole! VIP

    Likes Received:
    Sep 28, 2002
    How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

    Why do men pass gas more than women?
    Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

    What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

    I married Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

    Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
    Wedding cake.

    Marriage is a three ring circus:
    Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.

    Why do brides wear white at the wedding?
    So the dishwasher will match the fridge and stove.

    Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?""Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."

    How did the blonde die raking leaves?
    She fell out of the tree!

    A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.
    "Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.

    "No, but it's okay -- I got the license plate number!"

    10 blonde Science fair projects

    10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
    9) Is lighter fluid flammable?
    8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?
    7) Are knives sharp?
    6) Can sharks hurt a human?
    5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
    4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
    3) Can I eat broken glass and live?
    2) Can dogs talk?
    1) Are blondes really dumb?

    Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
    A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

    Q:What does a woman do after she leaves the battered women's shelter?
    A:The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

    The girl says, "Mom, do you think I'm old enough to start douching?"
    Her mother says, "Why don't you ask all the sea gulls that are following you?"

    Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

    What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

    Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

    One day a son asked his father what was the difference between "theory" and "reality". His father thought and then said "Go ask your Mother if she would sleep with the next door neighbor for a half million dollars."

    The son went to his mother and asked her. She thought about it a minute and then said, "Yes, yes I would." The son returned to his father and told him her reply. The father then told the son to go ask his sister if she would sleep with the next door neighbor's son for a half million dollars. The son went to his sister and asked her. She thought about it for a minute and then replied, "Yes, yes I would."

    The son returned to his father and told him his sister also said she would. The father said, "Well son, there you have it. In theory, we're living with a million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

    If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

    Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

    How do you blind a woman?
    Put a windshield in front of her face.

    How many men does it take to mop a floor?
    None. It's a woman's job.

    A man is incomplete until he is married.
    After that, he is finished.

    A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

    How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

    A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

    How many women does it take to paint a wall?
    It depends on how hard you throw them.

    Why did the woman cross the road?
    Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???

    What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
    Marry a new one !!

    How is a woman like a condom?
    Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

    Why is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
    By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

    What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
    A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

    WIFE: Washing, Ironing, ****ing, Etc...

    Why have women got legs?
    To move between the kitchen and the bedroom.

    How do you change a woman's mind?
    Buy her another beer.

    How can you tell if your wife is dead?
    The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

    If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
    Made her chain too long.

    Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
    Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

    A Trip to the ATM


    1. Pull up to ATM

    2. Insert card

    3. Enter PIN and account

    4. Take cash, card and receipt

    5. Drive away


    1. Pull up to ATM

    2. Back up and pull forward to get closer

    3. Shut off engine

    4. Put keys in purse

    5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine

    6. Hunt for card in purse

    7. Insert card

    8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.

    9. Enter PIN

    10. Study instructions.

    11. Hit "cancel"

    12. Re-enter correct PIN

    13. Check balance

    14. Look for envelope

    15. Look in purse for pen

    16. Make out deposit slip

    17. Endorse checks

    18. Make deposit

    19. Study instructions

    20. Make cash withdrawal

    21. Get in car

    22. Check makeup

    23. Look for keys

    24. Start car

    25. Check makeup

    26. Start pulling away

    27. Stop

    28. Back up to machine

    29. Get out of car

    30. Take card and receipt

    31. Get back in car

    32. Put card in wallet

    33. Put receipt in checkbook

    34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

    35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

    36. Check makeup

    37. Put car in reverse

    38. Put car in drive

    39. Drive away from machine

    40. Drive 3 miles

    41. Release parking brake

    A Mans perfect breakfast

    You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

    A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

    "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

    "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

    "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

    A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

    As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

    "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

    The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

    "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

    The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

    "Have a nice weekend," said the officer

    A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

    They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

    She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

    As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

    Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
    doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every
    country, son.

    A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted". The next day
    he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have

    A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.
    This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer?"
    The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I'm heading home!"

    A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
    The farmer said, "That's once."
    A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
    The farmer said, "That's twice."
    After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
    His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
    The farmer said, "That's once."

    A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
    His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
    The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

    This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
    However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
    The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
    So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
    No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
    Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

    A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.
    After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
    "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
    "Yes, of course," she replied.
    "Well, I would have been released tonight."

    The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
    The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me **** you for a dollar?"
    "Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
    A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me **** you for a million dollars?"
    After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
    A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me **** you for five dollars?"
    "Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
    "We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

    "I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
    "That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

    "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

    How do you make love to an ugly woman?
    Wank into your hand and throw it at her

    What's the differance detween a pussy and a cunt?
    A pussy is warm and wonderful,a cunt owns one

    What are the three reasons that anal sex is beter than virginal sex?
    It's tighter, it feels good,and it's more degrading to women.

    Why did God create woman?
    To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
  4. jeffie7

    jeffie7 Wrong Whole! VIP

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    Sep 28, 2002
    holy shit that took a long time =)
  5. JDMilan

    JDMilan Senior Member

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    May 11, 2003
    Boca Raton, FL
    Q: Why your not suppose to eat pussy first thing in the morning.
    A: Have you ever tried to pull apart a grill cheese sandwich.

    ^^^ thats fucking sick.........1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  6. Jeef

    Jeef NO MA'AM Moderator VIP

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    Sep 29, 2002
    THose are perfect for the woman hater like me.
  7. TurboMirage

    TurboMirage YEEAAAHHH VIP

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    May 20, 2003
    Central, MA
  8. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

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    Sep 28, 2002
    Retirement Home
    head most of those before. good shit though
  9. ThatGuy4life

    ThatGuy4life The Riced Sleeper

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    Nov 27, 2006
    Albuquerque, NM
    Was searching for one of our other threads I think white women vs spanish women, but couldn't find it, might've been on another board but I found this and felt it shold be revived cause it's still funny as hell, read from the top
  10. Seany-izzle

    Seany-izzle New Member

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    Aug 25, 2003
    In a fucking house.
    grilled cheese? howbout grilled mayonaise.
  11. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

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    Sep 28, 2002
    Retirement Home
    i eat pussy in the morning. nothing better than breakfast in bed.

  12. Black Widow g2

    Black Widow g2 *princess*

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    Oct 18, 2004
    uhm, i feel bad for you if you've experienced the 'grilled cheese' or as Sean says 'grilled mayonaise' issue... that's absolutely disgusting.
  13. Black Widow g2

    Black Widow g2 *princess*

    Likes Received:
    Oct 18, 2004
    you woke up with a cat on your face... that's not close to eating... oh wait, you have a girlfriend. god damn it, now i can't make fun of you! :ph34r::mad:
  14. totalburnout

    totalburnout Well-Known Member VIP

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    Oct 22, 2002
    Whats the difference between a washing machine and a blonde?

    A washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you dump a load in it.
  15. Black Widow g2

    Black Widow g2 *princess*

    Likes Received:
    Oct 18, 2004

    wow... any woman who'd follow someone around for a week is pathetic anyway, so dispose of her... especially if during that week she hasn't done any OTHER chores than handling that load.
  16. phyregod

    phyregod !!YTINASNI

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    Jun 11, 2005
    Central Texas
    Mr. Abby kicks ass.
  17. pissedoffsol

    pissedoffsol RETIRED

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    Sep 28, 2002
    Retirement Home
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