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Chili cookoff

Discussion in 'Members' Lounge' started by erebunicrx, Oct 17, 2004.

  1. erebunicrx

    erebunicrx my name is Dale

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    If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down
    your cheeks, then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please take time to
    read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
    reaction of the third judge is even better!* For those of you who have
    lived in Texas, you know how true this
    is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes
    to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
    Astrodome.
    The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was
    visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
    to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
    Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
    judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
    besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
    accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:


    Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
    Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
    Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.
    Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
    to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
    they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
    Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

    me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
    backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
    all of the beer!

    Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
    Judge # 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

    standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to

    look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
    aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
    Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
    can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

    pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my

    lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop

    screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
    Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
    spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Superb.
    Judge # 3 I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
    slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
    anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

    Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
    Judge # 1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which

    slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
    match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
    me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
    getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
    the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)
    Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold
    but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
    fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
    he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
    really hot chilli?
     
  2. BodyDroppedNikes

    BodyDroppedNikes ...PENDEJO.... VIP

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    :bo: LMMFAO!! thats funny as hell...although i THINK i have read it before. i cant stop laughing....LMMFAO
     
  3. JDMPlaya

    JDMPlaya Senior Member

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    haha funny shit!!
     
  4. Iron 1

    Iron 1 Senior Member

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    hahahhaah that's good chit. I even had to stop drinking, so I wouldn't spit.
     
  5. dveit

    dveit Well-Known Member VIP

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    :bo:

    funny shit! had me crackin in up in the middle of class & everyone looked @ me. haha

    oh well
     
  6. h22bubbleback

    h22bubbleback Senior Member

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    hahaha thats great..im in the mood for some chili now
     
  7. lsvtec

    lsvtec GNU/Linux Evangelist

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    Funny but I have seen it before. The sad part is Texans (for the most part unless they are from El Paso) don't know any about chili. You want hot come to the El Paso/Las Cruces area.
     
  8. SlushboxTeggy

    SlushboxTeggy It's only stupid if it doesn't work VIP

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    im with him, funny as hell and now im hungry
     
  9. DarkHand

    DarkHand Senior Member VIP

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    I'm cracking up at the front reception desk and people are staring at me. :D :D :D
     
  10. erebunicrx

    erebunicrx my name is Dale

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    i thought it was really funny and just got funnier and funnier
     
  11. phunky.buddha

    phunky.buddha Admin with a big stick Admin VIP

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  12. starboy869

    starboy869 Senior Member

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    my eyes are in tears... hahahahahahahahaha
     
  13. FFCiv

    FFCiv Senior Member

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    a goodie but like 3 years old
     
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